I Used to Mail Tampons to My Friend’s Dad for Fun

A confession about the stupid things that still make me laugh

Image created with AI

Modern life feels like surveillance.

How much better would adult life be if we could still call the White House and ask for Beelzebub?

What happened to the days when you could call an acquaintance or, better yet, an enemy, and ask them if their refrigerator is running?

Or call your frenemy and announce yourself as Lisa from the bubble factory, where they make bubbles, and bubbles, and bubbles.

I may be a grown woman, but in my heart, I’m still a kid.

Life is hard, and lately, it seems like most people are struggling. When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I long for the days when things were simpler.

As a kid in the 80s and early 90s, my parents couldn’t track me with a phone, and they rarely knew what I was up to. I miss the days when I could be a stupid kid, and no one could document my antics or mistakes.

1991

“Sasha. What do you want to do now?”

“I don’t know. Want to prank call people?”

The TV flickers. Music videos provide the soundtrack for our preteen debauchery.

I shove a Dorito into my mouth and wash it down with Pepsi.

I lick the Dorito dust off my fingers. “Ooohh. Who should we call first?”

“I think we should call Lila first; she’s so weird.”

Lila had been my friend since first grade, but lately I’d noticed how “goody-goody” she really was.

Boring.

“I have a better idea…”

I was eleven years old, still months away from starting my own period, when I discovered the Tampax hotline.

I rolled off the couch and picked up the phone receiver. I dialed the Tampax advice hotline. I’d memorized the 800 number after seeing an ad in my TEEN magazine.

The fine print at the bottom of the ad:

Request a free sample of Tampax.

Sasha whispers in my ear as the line rings. “Sherene. Who are you calling?”

“Shhhhh. I’m ordering tampons.”

“What? For who?”

You’ll see, I mouthed silently.

Operator: Hello. This is the Tampax hotline. How can I help you?

Me: Yes. Hello. I’d like to order a free sample of tampons.

Operator: Name and address, please?

Me: My name is Billie Eileen Shroeder…

As I hang up the receiver, Sasha and I erupt in screams of laughter.

“Sherene. Did you seriously order tampons for Lila’s dad, Bill?”

Nodding like a maniac, I nearly peed myself with laughter.

“Lila’s dad has a stick up his butt. I wish I could see his face when he checks the mail in two to four weeks.”

Eventually, the jig was up. Lila figured out I’d had something to do with her father receiving a tampon sample every few weeks.

Damn.

Playing pranks and irritating each other was a rite of passage in childhood. Our personalities were formed through weirdness and self-expression. If you don’t have a chance to embarrass yourself or your peers, how will you ever grow out of it?

As I got older, my phone games grew more feral.

You’d think the invention of *69 and caller ID would’ve stopped me, but I saw it as a challenge.

The phone would ring, and I’d answer immediately:

“OBGYN.”

“Pizza Hut, may I take your order?”

The apologies from people who called the wrong number and the hang-ups just fueled me.

It’s a shame that today’s kids will never know the pleasure of confusing adults on a landline. Frankly, there are still days I’d love to let off some steam and call a few companies that deserve some mayhem.

“Hello, my name is Anita Handy. I’m looking for someone to come out and service my property.”

Sadly, most people screen their calls and rarely check their voicemails. My efforts would be wasted.

I don’t think a prank text would have the same effect.

Damn, I miss pay phones.

What I miss the most isn’t acting stupid or playing pranks; it’s the freedom to be stupid and silly without fear of someone using the evidence against me.

If this made you laugh, you might enjoy more of my essays about childhood chaos, questionable decisions, and surviving adulthood with a sense of humor.

You can follow *Shaped Souls* for more, support my work on Buy Me a Coffee, or check out my memoir series.

[embed]Sherene Jensen is Personal stories that cut deep. Hi, I'm Sherene. I write memoir and personal essays about grief, power, identity, and the quiet, complicated truths we…buymeacoffee.com

[embed]Shaped: The Complete Memoir: Four Volumes of Survival, Silence, Betrayal, and Becoming Shaped: The Complete Memoir: Four Volumes of Survival, Silence, Betrayal, and Becoming - Kindle edition by Parkwood…www.amazon.com