PQ for Caregivers Part 2: Intercept Your Saboteurs &Overcome Negative Self-Talk

“Recognizing and intercepting your Saboteurs isn’t about silencing criticism but transforming it into a catalyst for growth and self-compassion. As caregivers, we can’t afford to let negative self-talk dictate our journey.”

Caregiver intercepting her Saboteurs — Created by DALL-E

(If you are not a member of Medium, and want to read this article for free, click this sentence. If you are a member, thank you for your support!)

Introduction to Part 2 of the 3-part series

In the first article of this series, we explored the importance of strengthening your Sage Command Muscle to build mental resilience with PQ Reps. Next, we discuss how to identify and intercept the saboteurs that undermine your efforts as a caregiver trying to work with and understand the symptoms of Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD).

In the journey of caregiving for children with FASD or other special needs, stress and self-doubt often become unwelcome companions. These feelings are frequently driven by internal negative voices, or Saboteurs, that undermine our peace and effectiveness. In this second article of our Positive Intelligence series, we will dive into the nature of these Saboteurs.

Understanding how they operate and learning to intercept their influence is crucial for maintaining a balanced, growth mindset for FASD. By identifying and managing these Saboteurs, you can begin to reclaim your mental and emotional well-being, setting the stage for a more resilient and positive caregiving approach.

Understanding Saboteurs

Saboteurs are the voices in our heads that generate negative emotions and hinder our ability to respond with a clear, positive mindset. They essentially make us react, rather than respond from our sage, or wise minds.

According to Shirzad Chamine, author of Positive Intelligence, these saboteurs are the result of our survival instincts and are self-protective mechanisms from childhood that no longer serve us well as adults. For caregivers of children with FASD, these negative voices can exacerbate stress, guilt, and burnout. Each Saboteur has a hidden gift, but the gift is taken to extremes and hijack our emotions and thinking.

Saboteur illustrations from Positive Intelligence.

1. **Judge **(not shown): The most prevalent saboteur, the Judge constantly criticizes you, other members of your child’s team, and even situations or your ‘bad luck.’ The Judge usually enlists one or two other saboteurs to gang up on you. This can be particularly difficult for caregivers who are already dealing with high-stress situations or high levels of guilt feelings. The hidden gift of the Judge is discernment to recognize challenges and improve situations.
2. Avoider: The Avoider wants to focus on the positive and pleasant but avoids difficult and unpleasant tasks or conflicts. The Avoider may lead you to shy away from addressing difficult behaviors or advocate for your child’s needs, avoiding conflict with schools, therapists, or other professionals. This can result in important issues being ignored. The hidden gift of the Avoider helps you seek and maintain peace &harmony and maintain optimism.
3. Controller: The Controller tries to take charge and dominate situations, leading to heightened stress when things don’t go as planned. This is a very common Saboteur that takes over for caregivers of special needs kids. The Controller wants to manage every aspect of your child’s life, fearing that without strict control, chaos will ensue. This can lead to burnout and strained relationships with your child and family. The hidden gift of the Controller brings leadership and decisiveness, which allows you to advocate effectively and design strong routines for your child.
4. Hyper-Vigilant: This saboteur is always on alert for potential dangers or perceived setbacks, fearing that anything could go wrong and turn into serious consequences. This leads to chronic stress and anxiety. The hidden gift of the Hyper-Vigilant ensures you are prepared for crises and can quickly adapt to your child’s unpredictable needs.
5. Pleaser: The Pleaser attempts to gain acceptance and affection by trying to please others, often at their own expense. The Pleaser may even seek approval from the child by putting your child’s needs first, often at the cost of your own well-being. You might sacrifice personal time or self-care to be a “good” caregiver. The hidden gift of the Pleaser is empathy and building strong relationships.
6. Victim: The Victim indulges in feelings of emotional pain and believes that circumstances are beyond their control, leading to a sense of helplessness. The Victim Saboteur focuses on the hardships of caregiving, feeling trapped by your child’s needs and overwhelmed by the lack of support. This mindset can lead to burnout and a sense of hopelessness. The hidden gift of the Victim’s deep compassion allows you to connect with your child and other FASD caregivers (once you know them) and create supportive communities that validate your experiences and provide encouragement together.
7. Restless: The Restless Saboteur drives you to seek constant stimulation or new approaches, leading to frustration when interventions don’t work quickly or when caregiving becomes monotonous or difficult. This Saboteur makes it a struggle to stick with routines. The hidden gift of the Restless Saboteur can bring creativity and flexibility into your caregiving, and also encourage you to explore new support groups, therapies or activities that could benefit you or your child’s development.
8. Stickler: The Stickler demands perfection and is highly critical of any form of imperfection or deviation from the norm, creating undue pressure from unrealistically high expectations, either on yourself as the caregiver or on your kid to improve their symptoms. It can cause frustration when things don’t go according to plan, making it difficult to adapt to the unpredictable nature of FASD. The hidden gift of the Stickler’s attention to detail and high standards ensure that your child’s needs are met with thoroughness, helping you establish effective routines and advocate for your child’s needs.
9. Hyper-Rational: The Hyper-Rational focuses on logic and intellect, often at the expense of your emotional connection to your child, which is often the paramount goal in caregiving those with FASD. The hidden gift of the Hyper-Rational helps you navigate complex medical, educational, and other systems with clear thinking, and to apply new information learned about FASD.
10. Hyper-Achiever: This saboteur measures your worth as a caregiver by your child’s progress, leading to pressure and frustration when your child’s FASD symptoms do not allow “normal” development or expected behaviors. The hidden gift of the Hyper-Achiever can drive you to seek out resources, therapies, and strategies that truly benefit your child, helping you stay motivated and proactive in your caregiving journey.

Intercepting Your Saboteurs

Now that we’ve identified the key Saboteurs, let’s explore how you can intercept them and regain control over your mindset. Intercepting these saboteurs involves a three-step process: Recognize, Label, and Neutralize.

1. Recognize: The first step is to become aware of when a saboteur is taking over your thoughts. (A) Pay attention to your feelings and reactions throughout the day. Are you feeling unusually critical, anxious, or restless? Are you feeling a negative emotion, regardless of what it is? That is a sign you are likely getting tricked or hijacked by a Saboteur. The awareness is crucial in identifying the Saboteurs at work. You cannot intercept them until you can recognize them. (B) Remember: sometimes we cannot recognize them until after we’ve already been hijacked; if that is your case, then do this process on the memory itself.
2. Label: Once you recognize a saboteur, label it. For example, if you catch yourself in a self-critical spiral, acknowledge it by saying, “There’s my Judge.” Labeling helps in distancing yourself from the negative thought, reducing its power over you. You are not your Saboteurs — you are your Sage, even when Saboteurs hijack you.
3. Neutralize: To neutralize the Saboteur, shift your focus to a physical sensation or a neutral or positive thought. PQ (Positivity Quotient) Reps can be particularly effective. For instance, focus on the sensation of your feet on the ground or the feel of your breath entering and leaving your body. This practice helps in grounding you and shifting your brain’s activity from the limbic system (where saboteurs thrive) to the prefrontal cortex (your Sage brain).

Practical Application for FASD Caregivers

As an FASD caregiver, you might find some saboteurs more dominant than others. Here’s how you can apply these steps in real-life scenarios:

Scenario 1: Managing Arguments

• Recognize: Notice if your Controller saboteur is flaring up during an argument with your child.
• Label: Say to yourself, “My Controller is trying to take over” or “My Controller thinks I can make my kid comply with threats and consequences.”
• Neutralize: Focus on a PQ Rep physical sensation, like the texture of a nearby object or your breath, to intercept the Saboteur calm your mind to bring your Sage mind forward.

Scenario 2: Feeling Overwhelmed by Perfectionism

• Recognize: If you’re feeling overwhelmed by needing everything to be perfect, identify the Stickler saboteur.
• Label: Acknowledge it by saying, “That’s the Stickler talking.”
• Neutralize: Do your PQ Reps for 1–2 minutes. Try shifting your focus to something positive, like a small success you had that day, to reduce the saboteur’s hold.

Key Takeaway

Saboteurs can severely impact your mental well-being and effectiveness as a caregiver. By learning to intercept and neutralize them, you can maintain a clearer, more positive mindset, enabling you to handle the challenges of caregiving with greater resilience and grace.

Unlock a deeper understanding of how your Saboteurs may be holding you back. Take the PQ Saboteur Assessment today via a link on my Linktr.ee profile at www.Linktr.ee/FASDElephant and join my email list to stay in touch.

(Until Sept 9, 2024, take the PQ Saboteur Assessment, email me the official results, and I’ll give you a free 15-minute explanation on how your Saboteurs may be sabotaging your parenting goals.)

Next

In the third article, we will explore how to harness the Five Sage Powers to unlock your inner strength and continue building on your Positive Intelligence journey.