Whose Eyes Are We Seeing Through?

To truly love ourselves, we may first need to realize whose eyes we are seeing through.

Photo by Bethany Zwag on Unsplash

The Thin Line Between Self-Esteem and the Need for Approval

How we appear in the eyes of others, often shapes how we see ourselves.

Before making a decision, a quiet question echoes inside us:

“Will they approve?”

Over time, this question stops being our own inner voice and becomes a sum of external expectations.

This piece is an invitation to reflect on recognition, these define ourselves through others’ approval because when self-esteem relies on external validation, it remains under constant threat.

And perhaps, to truly understand who we are, we must first realize whose eyes we’re seeing ourselves through.

How We Internalize the Need for Approval

From childhood, we are taught:

“You are valuable if you are liked.”

Praise means goodness. Obedience ensures acceptance.

In short, belonging often comes at the cost of conformity.

Psychologist Alfred Adler pointed out that one of the deepest human needs is a sense of social belonging. As children, being accepted by caregivers was a matter of survival. But this need often carries into adulthood, transforming into a dependence on approval.

Adler’s perspective reveals an important truth:

Connecting with others is natural, but when it suppresses our ability to create personal meaning, we start living according to borrowed values rather than our own.

What Is Self-Esteem, Really?

Carl Rogers defined self-esteem as the ability to accept oneself unconditionally. If our sense of worth is tied to how others perceive us, it becomes fragile and vulnerable.

Nathaniel Branden expanded this idea, describing self-esteem not just as a feeling but as an active process:

“Self-esteem is the reputation we acquire with ourselves.”

In other words, it’s not about fleeting self-confidence, but about living in a way that aligns with our own values and taking responsibility for our lives.

It may not be as visible as external applause, but it is far more sustainable.

Society’s Silent Standards: To Be Seen, To Conform, To Be Accepted

Today, the pursuit of approval has become even more visible.

Likes, followers, public recognition these are the new currencies of acceptance.

Philosopher Erich Fromm argued that modern individuals often define themselves by what they possess rather than who they are:

“I am loved because I am successful. I am valued because I have things.”

In such a system, inner worth becomes irrelevant.

Identity is outsourced.

Simone de Beauvoir also warned against this mechanism.

According to her, individuals — and particularly women — are often turned into objects in the eyes of others. Living to fulfill external expectations alienates us from our true selves.

Caught Between Selfhood and Society: A Philosophical Perspective

Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard highlighted the loneliness of true individuality.

To become fully oneself, he said, one must risk standing apart from social expectations a courage few truly possess.

Meanwhile, Nietzsche pushed the idea even further:

“The herd morality suffocates you. Create your own values!”

Living according to society’s applause may feel safe, but it costs us our originality — perhaps the most precious thing we have.

Still, these thinkers don’t advocate cutting off all ties to society.

They simply warn against uncritically absorbing external standards without building a value system of our own.

So, What Can We Do?

The answer is not simple.

Complete disconnection from others is neither possible nor desirable.

The need for approval is human.

But the real danger begins when approval becomes a substitute for selfhood.

True self-esteem is about balance. It’s about recognizing our own worth while learning to filter external feedback. It’s about staying connected to others without losing the inner compass.

And perhaps mastering this balance is one of the most delicate arts of living.

🌿 A Quiet Question:

Which decisions would you make today, purely because they feel right to you — even if no one else applauded?

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