What Happens When You Give a Bear a Shit Ton of Cocaine?

Keri Russell (Left) and Cocaine Bear

Murder. It’s exactly what you would think would happen (if you’re thinking under the context that this is a movie and not real life because in reality, the bear actually died).

I was absolutely flabbergasted

This movie was so intriguing I just had to watch it, especially since it had a higher-than-expected Rotten Tomatoes rating of 70% (opening weekend was in the 80s or 90s?). Surprisingly, this is actually based on a true story, I thought the movie was just saying that for shits and giggles in the beginning, but there actually was a drug smuggler, Anthony Thornton, who dropped a shit ton of cocaine from a plane and died falling out of it. The cocaine was actually eaten by a bear, but instead of going on a rampage and committing mass murder, it overdosed and is now stuffed and kept at a mall in Kentucky under the fun little name of Pablo Escobear, so if you’re ever in Kentucky (why?) you can see the actual cocaine bear. What was also interesting was that Elizabeth Banks (Effie Trinket from The Hunger Games and usually in rom-coms, comedies, etc.) was directing this movie, so this made me go “What the fuck?” ’cause why the fuck would she choose to direct something like this? However, after watching the film, I think I understand.

There isn’t much to say about this movie since not much happens besides a bear killing a bunch of people in a very gory way and a couple of side plots that include children eating a mouthful of cocaine and a drug smuggler adamant about getting the cocaine that’s been scattered around the forest. The point of this movie, aside from what might possibly be the real point of this movie, is to entertain the audience with as much gore and silliness as you could imagine with a coked-up bear. The ambulance scene was definitely my favorite as you get the paramedics who give the park ranger some hope of being saved but end up just as dead as her, and they existed purely just to add some more gore and fun to the movie. The amount of blood, guts, and horror is kind of fun (?), and I almost wish there was more. Even when, in one scene, a guy gets stuck up a tree and devoured by the bear, and we just see the bottom half of his body hanging from a branch with a ridiculous amount of blood pouring down all over him, this was fun to watch but only one of few scenes that really showed the absolute butchery this bear commits while still being quite comical. Honestly, I didn’t care much for the stories about family and reunion that was going on, as heartwarming as it was (._.), and I wish the movie had a bit more horror and blood, like, quadruple the amount you’d see in any of the Evil Dead movies (which is a lot).

Now, for the comedy, it was so… stupid. Stupid and so straightforward that it was actually kind of funny. Seeing how some of the kills played out was funnier than hearing the jokes thrown in, which shows that this movie thrives more in its physical comedy rather than relying on dialogue. However, some of the jokes were kind of funny, I chuckled a little bit.

It’s not that deep

While I want to say that this movie could have a deeper meaning pertaining to man’s relationship with nature, and how we shouldn’t mess with the natural world because doing so would interfere with the purity and serenity that is nature, it’s probably not that deep lol. I did have a fun time watching this, though, and I think there should be more movies like this every now and then: kind of terrible movies with a runtime of 90 min that only exist to entertain and become a meme. Would I recommend watching this? Kind of? But you could definitely live without it and save some of your brain cells.