On my busiest days, I miss him a little louder.

this scene is literally usss fudgeeeeee

I miss those days when I rushed home after an exhausting day just to talk to someone. I miss knowing there was someone waiting patiently for me, just to spend whatever little time was left at the end of the day.

Just us talking about our lives, sharing random things and little pieces of knowledge we picked up throughout the day.

I miss letting him talk about economics stuff I barely understood, just so I could watch how passionate he was while explaining it. And I miss how he would wait for me to talk in return, because honestly, I genuinely just wanted to spend time with him, not to talk. Because somehow, every little thing that bothering me would disappear whenever I saw him passionately talking about his day.

Two birds with busy lives — both nerdy enough, passionate enough, and committed enough to chase our academic dreams — still making time to wait for each other to finish our days.

No ignorance. No getting angry or demanding attention from each other. No one sided priorities. Just a healthy balance of making time for one another.

Yeah, I miss those days when I knew someone truly cared about me.

Well… maybe I’m still not used to this new routine. Maybe I’m still trying to erase habits and routines I carried for the past 4 years.

And maybe he still thinks I hate him.

I don’t. I never did.

I just hated how my self-respect slowly changed the way I saw him. It made me want more, expect more, like wanting him to become the kind of man I know I deserve.

Sometimes I blame myself for shutting our relationship down while u were still promising to change, still trying to find a path and direction for us to grow together.

And honestly, it’s hard forcing yourself to walk away from someone u genuinely wanted to keep in your life.

But deep down, I also know that I deserve more. I deserve growth too.

But people always say that first love and first experiences were never really meant to last, so…

Maybe that’s true.

Still, I know he carries these feelings too, because we were each other’s first experience in love.

And maybe that’s why it hurts this much.

Because firsts are unforgettable, even when they aren’t meant to become last.