Negativity: You Think, Therefore You Are

“Let’s not be narrow, nasty, and negative.” — T. S. Eliot

“There are always flowers for those who want to see them.” — Henri Matisse

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All of us have, at some point, been slighted in some way. Or perhaps, we feel we’ve been mistreated. Such feelings fester and spread, and once they gather sufficient momentum, may easily spin out of control. And our whole outlook darkens as a result. The entire world is conspiring against us then. Everything someone says is an insult, anything anyone does is an injury. I hate the world because the world hates me.

Out to Get Me

There is actually an appealing side to this way of thinking. Seeing myself as the victim, I am rightfully demanding justice. Pointing my finger at some culprit makes me feel better about myself, I should hope. But do I really? Sadly, no. That’s because if my entire life is premised on me being victimized, there’s hardly any light at the end of the tunnel, is there? I mean, really, life sucks and then you die. Not exactly a cause for celebration of any kind.

I am not trying to downplay the major role that previous traumatic experiences may play in shaping how we see and interpret the world. We know, for instance, for people who had abusive parents tend to end up adopting the victimization narrative. I am in no way suggesting that one can very easily navigate those negative currents. Professional help is appropriate when this is the case.

But for a great many others, negativity starts not with major traumas, but rather, often innocuous and mundane happenstances in everyday life. Someone made a remark about my shoe. Someone said goodbye to everyone but me. I received a crappy gift from Secret Santa. My kid said he was too busy to talk right now. And so on. Why do they do that? Are they all ganging up on me? Disrespecting me? Limelighting conspiracies against us seems like the path of least resistance. And that’s how one gets hooked. Before long, each banal event becomes a major affront.

Downward Spiral

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A downward spiral initially begins with a solitary moment of darkness. But this glimpse into the abyss tempts us to follow after it, to dive headfirst into negativity. It’s not so much a straight descent into hell, as a gradual degradation of our perspectives. As they say in Field of Dreams, build it and they will come.

Everyone, I suppose, has had unpleasantness they wished had never been inflicted upon them. The degree of unpleasantness is a matter of perception. But regardless how objectively bad the situation is, the more important issue is how the person thinks of it. The way we make sense of something, sensemaking as Karl Weick reckons, is what matters most. Of course life tends to surprise us with obstacles and disappointments. As I said earlier, sometimes these could be downright traumatic and devastating. For most people, though, most of the time, the thing that seems so horrible now becomes a non-event at some future date. Like that time you got your first F on a report card. Or that time when I told a Senior VP to go fuck himself and get the hell out of my office. And you live to tell the tale, often embellishing it with some heroic behaviour on your part. And looking back, it’s not really that big a deal after all.

Focus on the Good

I succumb to negative feelings, too. Like many others, I do wonder sometimes if so and so is saying something just to get at me. What’s the motive behind their behaviour? Are they treating me with disrespect? What I find, though, is that if I quickly switch my attention to something else, and focus on some other tasks, before long I won’t even remember what it was that got me so upset to begin with. Besides, logic suggests that I have no way to ascertain exactly what’s driving the other person. How can we ever know why someone does or says something? Even they themselves don’t usually know. All I have is conjecture, based on no more than my imagination.

It’s true, isn’t it? If I say I know the other person’s motives, I don’t really know, do I? It’s just a guess. A friend of mine likes to think that because her thinking makes sense to her, she must be right. I know, saying it like that makes it so obviously a self-fulfilling prophecy. But we all suffer from such delusions. If we allow ourselves. If we tell ourselves the same story enough time, soon we’ll think the story is true. Proof be damned. The reality is that if all we have is our own fictional account, it’s not proof. So why waste my time with it?

If an encounter leaves me unhappy, I have a choice to perhaps avoid subsequent encounters. Or, I can react with positivity and see what happens. So here’s my one-two punch, if you will. First, I try not to dwell on things, and shift my focus on other matters. Second, if for whatever reason it continues to bother me, I try to take on a sunny disposition in a subsequent encounter to see if it affects how I feel about the interaction. In my experience, my positive outlook is often reciprocated. And everyone goes home happy.

Yes, there is nastiness about, and there’s no denying it. But I believe that even when an encounter is negative, it doesn’t mean there’s conspiracy afoot. Maybe it’s just wrong chemistry. Perhaps the other person is a real piece of work. Or they were having a mighty bad day! Perchance I had done or said something as well. Who knows? But I am no masochist. If the experience remains negative, it’s up to me to just call it quits. Strategic withdrawal is not a bad thing. Besides, there’s no reason to let the negativity fester.

Conclusion

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I may have unwittingly given you an impression that I’m one of those eternal optimists. Hell, no. I have good days and bad days. I have days when nothing seems to go right. And I have days when I keep coming across people who seem to hold something against me, for whatever reason. The thing is, and that’s the main point I’m making here, that I choose not to dwell on it. I use the word “choose” consciously. I can choose to stay negative, and start seeing daggers everywhere. And I can choose to let go and think happy thoughts. It’s my choice. It’s everyone’s choice. How we make that choice affects us not just in the moment, but in the long haul as well. From my experience, I think we are better off choosing to free ourselves from the talons of victimization.

“We are our choices.” — Jean-Paul Sartre