The Real Housewives of Solomon — A Mockumentary

The Real Housewives of Solomon — A Mockumentary

From the Narrator’s Block

Some think Solomon’s troubles started when he started going after everything in a skirt with no chill.

The young lad only picked up where his father stopped.

We said what we said.

Oh, and did you know Solomon’s father was the first ever peeping tom in the Bible?

How bad could his son have turned out?

Although King Solomon believes otherwise.

King Solomon (Confessional): It was a mistake. And my parents paid for it.

We don’t disagree though. But you and I both know: no story is complete if you only hear it from the king. Who else would he have defended?

Well…

We are going to tell you what we know, what we heard, what we suspect, what people think and share part of the real time conversations with you.

Except you’re a relative of Solomon, please do not question the credibility of our story.

King Solomon: (Raises his voice) The Bible exists for a reason!

Director: Please turn off his mic.

King Solomon: The Bible (voice drowns out).

PRODUCTION CREDITS

A not-so-silent production by:

Beyond the Verses

In association with:

Whispers from the Palace Halls™

Based on loosely verified truths, exaggerated gists, and unspoken confessions

And with that, we welcome you to the first episode of our humble (slightly chaotic) production: THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF SOLOMON — THE SAGA

We hope this production goes as far as it can, but in the meantime, if and when you find this, share with someone who has Solomon tendencies.

Just tell them ‘I want to show you something.’ Our story will do the rest of the talking.

Episode 1: First Came the Peeping Tom

Director: Are you ready?

Narrator nods.

In 3, 2, 1…Action.

Narrator: They said it happened in Spring…

It wasn’t even the cold season when most people needed warmth and couples spent time making more babies, unintentionally.

It was around this time that Kings went to war. A time when soldiers channeled their body warmth into meaningful. responsibilities like protecting their city.

But not King David.

He believed this was the perfect time to request for a work leave, or should we call it a Royal Leave? (chuckles).

Santorini wasn’t really a thing back then. If it was, we’re sure David would be there with a glass of zobo in hand.

But instead, he had something just as badddd: a balcony with the best view in Jerusalem.

So, that afternoon, the King got off his bed, slipped on his best robe and wore his sleek Hermes sandals.

Director: Not Hermes. (Rolls his eyes).

Narrator: Not Hermes. Noted. So, the King decided to make the most of his Royal Leave by sightseeing from his balcony. What a flex!

It would make sense to say the King was minding his business, but he wasn’t — his business was that battleground he took a leave from. And whatever he was currently minding, it brought him trouble.

A famous philosopher once said ‘an idle hand is the devil’s workshop’. In David’s case, an idle eye was the devil’s binoculars.

And through those binoculars, he spotted a beautiful, naked woman bathing in the afternoon sun.

Now, King David was drawn by his desires. He shut off his inner voice of reason. He let his third leg do the thinking for him. And before he could say Jack, the bathing woman was in his bed, legs wrapped around his.

It wasn’t until the ‘bed acrobatics’ ended that he realized what terrible mistake he had made.

But he didn’t dwell too much on his mistake, after all, no one’s gonna know.

Laughs in evidence.

He sent her away, but days later, a letter arrived:

To King David.

The king popped a grape in his mouth, opened it, curious…

Nothing prepared him for what he saw next.

I missed my period. I am pregnant.

Immediately, the king choked on the grape in his mouth.

Before the letter, he had in fact forgotten his rendezvous with the bathing woman. But as he read those words over and over, the scene played in his head and fear gripped him.

There was no other way around this. He shook his head and thought:

There’s no way I am taking responsibility for this.

David grabbed his cellphone or whatever communication means he had and reached his commander requesting that Bathsheba’s husband be deployed home.

For what? As how? What’s going on here? His commander must have wondered, sensing the urgency in King David’s voice.

What was the King thinking?

Narrator: Well… (Turns to director) Wait, would that be a spoiler if I say it now?

Director (off-screen): Hold it.

Narrator: Right. So, back to Uriah and the King’s plan.

To David, it made sense. It was a perfect plan. The only thing left was the deployment, and it happened. Except that it flopped.

See, the thing about plans? They work great in your head until other people refuse to play their role in your drama.

You might ask: why didn’t the man go home to his wife like David had planned?

Oh, just a little thing called loyalty. Uriah… yes, Bathsheba’s husband’s name…was too loyal to enjoy comfort while his fellow soldiers were still at war.

So, David did what no HR handbook has ever recommended: he doubled down. He invited Uriah to dinner, poured him enough wine to float an ark, thinking maybe… maybe he’d stumble his way home to his wife. And he would unknowingly knock her up.

Cameraman: Chokes on spit.

Director: Spoiler? (Raises a brow)

Narrator: Oops- Sarry. Well, Uriah didn’t. So it was another night, another palace-gate sleepover.

Narrator turns to Director: Should we tell them what happens next?

Director: Not yet. That’s for episode two.

Narrator: But…

Director: Shhh. (He raises a hand, as the Cameraman whispers in his ear.) Okay. King David will appear in the next episode.

Narrator: Huh?

King Solomon (storms in): Wait…what? This is supposed to be my show! Why is my father getting screen time?! You said-

Director: Who let him in? (Looks around) Security?

King Solomon: You promised! You said his part would be…(voice fades out as chaos erupts offscreen)

Narrator (leans into camera): So, yeah. I guess I’ll see you next week. (Whispers) That’s if King Solomon hasn’t sued us yet or canceled this show.