An Open Letter to the Dude I Just Subscribed To

He called me “pal,” and I knew it meant something

Photo by Francisco De Legarreta C. on Unsplash

Dear Marcus,

I hope you don’t mind me calling you Marcus.

You called me Peter in your email, so I assumed we had moved beyond formalities.

I subscribed to your newsletter yesterday after reading your article about discipline, masculinity, and waking up before your enemies.

My enemies are in a different timezone, so I am technically always ahead. I told you that in the DM I sent you. You must be busy.

Although your welcome email was prompt and highly appreciated.

Hey there, and welcome to Rapid Man Gainz. Congratulations. You’re in the mix, pal!

In the mix indeed, Marcus.

You mentioned that the community would not exist without people like me.

I’m flattered.

Maybe I can work for you?

Money is tight.

I’ve watched all your videos on Rumble and bought your mushroom head medicine for extra focus.

The panic attacks are becoming more brutal, but so is my ambition, Marcus.

Marcus.

You also mentioned in the email you sent that you had been mulling over what to send me — ME — first.

That must have been difficult. We had never met, and yet you somehow sensed that I needed your free PDF entitled The Seven Habits Keeping You Weak.

I read it immediately.

Number four is true.

I am too empathetic.

You also asked me to reply and tell you a little about myself.

Finally.

Someone interested.

I wrote back with a brief overview of my childhood, several failed relationships, my years living abroad and a photograph of a rash I have been monitoring.

I have not yet received your response.

I assume you are taking time to process it.

That is wise.

The next morning, you wrote me again.

You said:

I wanted to personally check in.

Marcus, you needn’t worry.

I am still here.

My wife claims these emails are automated.

She says everyone receives them.

I laughed.

Women often struggle to understand male friendship, particularly when it involves paid tiers.

Remember when you said that in your third newsletter seven years ago?

You were right.

She’s suspicious of us.

Last night, she subscribed using her own email address.

Within seconds, you wrote to her too.

The exact same message.

She pushed her phone towards my face.

“See?” she said. “It’s automated.”

I was disappointed.

Not in you.

In her.

“You’re mistaking friendship for a sales funnel again, Peter,” she whimpered.

Although you did tell her that Rapid Man Gainz would not exist without people like her.

I understand.

Business is business.

Maybe one of your underlings sent it.

I will continue to write you, dear Marcus.

Your Friend,

Peter.

P.S. The promo code doesn’t work.

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