Why are we fighting about Bathrooms?

When Puritanism collides with transphobia

KC Airport-Photo by the author

It is the late 70’s, long before I had any clue about being transgender. I am at a rock concert and now it’s over. I and several thousand others have had several beers or sodas or some combination of liquids. A large percentage of us head to the restrooms. The line for the Men’s room is probably ten feet out the door. But it moves quickly. There are plenty of stalls. The line for the women’s restroom stretches forty or fifty feet. If you came with a girl you’re going to be waiting a while.

That is, unless you cheat. I am standing at a urinal, taking care of business when I hear some fellow say, “HEY, get her out of here!” Epithets follow. Others join in. I turn my head just enough to glimpse a young man guiding his I am assuming girlfriend to one of the stalls along the back. She is shielding her eyes, no doubt somewhere between embarrassed and mortified. I smile. I think it’s sort of amusing. The reaction of the men amuses me more than the woman being led into no woman’s land.

Flash forward about ten years. My wife and I have been to the movies. It is the late feature. It probably didn’t start until 9:30. I need to pee before we head home. Unfortunately it was a rather slow paced movie. I am having hard time just staying awake. Almost no one is left in the theatre. I slip into an empty restroom. As I stand there, mid stream, I take a look around. “Hmm,” I think to myself. “They’ve remodeled the bathroom.” Finally I wake up enough to come to my senses. They had not remodeled the bathrooms.

But I’m not gonna stop. I just hope nobody comes in. Luckily no one does. I slip out quickly and quietly, tell my wife of my faux pas. I’m not particularly upset about it. My reaction is much like the one ten or so years before. I was just doing something everybody does.

Maybe that comes from being raised just one generation from the country. I spent a great deal of my time at my grandparent’s farm in the summer. When you were out in the pasture and felt the urge, you stopped and took care of the problem right then and there. The fact that cows and birds and maybe your grandsons were around was of no concern.

Let’s move forward another decade or so. I am a sales rep. I spend nearly all day, every day on the road, at the mercy of other people for a restroom. I tried not to impose on my customers too much so I tended to use ones at gas stations and restaurants. In my vernacular there were “one holers” a “two holers.” Invariably the single stall places would have two identical restrooms. But one would have a symbol with a dress and hair in outline, the other a stick man. I never really understood why people did this. You can come up with some reasons if you like, but none of them really carry muster if you ask me. I don’t ever remember seeing a porta potty with gender markings on it.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that from my perspective Americans, at least since I’ve been alive, have made the marking and using of restrooms unnecessarily complicated. I’m not intersted in what you look like or what you’re doing. I just need a pot to piss in.

Some time around the turn of the millennium who was using what restroom suddenly began to fall under increased scrutiny. Much like the testosterone liquored up men in the restrooms after the concert, certain people seemed incensed by the idea that someone of the opposite sex was in the wrong restroom. Except this time it was “men” in the women’s room. The fact that for all intents and purposes these people by and large looked like women didn’t seem to matter. They were up to no good, these bathroom vigilantes assured the public. Were there documented cases of this? Yes, they insisted. One time this guy said he was a woman and walked into the women’s restroom. When this happened, where this happened didn’t seem to need documentation.

What happened next was an extensive campaign to eradicate a problem that didn’t exist. When it was elevated to the level of legislation it suddenly created a series of problems instead of fixing one. Now trans men were supposed to go to the women’s restroom, even though they look like men. And a post-op transgender woman is supposed to go to the men’s restroom. I will not even delve into the ridiculous scenarios that could ensue regarding enforcement of such a law.

The rationale given for these laws is “safety.” Obviously the safety of a trans person is irrelevant to this conversation. The consequences of me going into the women’s restroom dressed female at worst case scenario would be someone screaming and making a scene and demanding that I leave. The worst case scenario in the other restroom is I might get beaten up, or perhaps even raped. Keeping trans people out of the restroom aligning with their gender orientation will not make women’s restrooms a bit safer. It might even make them more dangerous. Now a cis male up to no good need simply state he is a transman and waltz right into the women’s restroom with impunity. Women have and will continue to be assaulted by men in and out of bathrooms. Saying these laws are for the safety of women in naive at best, disingenuous and politically motived more often than not.

Courtesy and common sense needs to be present in this. Many like me discover their transgender nature later in life. Even if we are planning to transition it’s common sense that early in the process if we are dressed masculine we need to be using the men’s restroom. This is just common sense. Same if you are a trans man. Yes, you realize that you are in the wrong body but unless you are planning to slap a sign on your chest announcing otherwise you will be identified as the sex you were born.

My sense is that in more cases than not, this law will be enforced like the speed limit, or like jaywalking. Yes, technically everybody knows you shouldn’t drive 40 in a 35. But nobody, the police included, is going to pay attention to that. Now if you’re going 100? Perhaps over time we will place people in power again who have some common sense and a sense of deceny as well. These laws, like spitting on the sidewalk or leaving your horse untied outside the saloon can be repealed. In the meantime, as far as I’m concerned you can pee wherever you like. There aren’t any gender specific bathrooms in my house.