Your Moral Alignment, Based On Your Favorite Star Wars Movie

Yes, your favorite Star Wars movie says something about you. No, you’re not going to like it.

Photo by Christian Panta on Unsplash. Speech bubbles added by the Maury Povich-loving author.

Forget the cliché “getting to know you” questions: What’s your sign? Where are you from? Are you in the Epstein Files? There’s only one question you need answered to understand a person.

What is their favorite Star Wars movie?

So let’s do what Star Wars fans do best — judge the ever-loving shit out of each other for no reason.

Lawful Good — A New Hope

You’re a purist, through and through. You LOVE tradition — even if those traditions started decades before your birth. You think CGI is an abomination. The only artist you respect suffers for their craft. If they want your $2.98 at the box office ($11 adjusted for inflation from 1977), they’re going to earn it. That, or you’ve never seen a single “Star War,” and figured this was the safest answer. Though calling it “the first one” is a dead giveaway — all great sagas begin on Episode IV, you stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder.

Neutral Good — The Empire Strikes Back

You have hope that sequels actually improve things. Nothing brings you more joy than hearing Maury Povich shout, “You ARE the father!” You don’t know how to act when someone tells you they love you. There’s a 33% chance this isn’t actually your favorite Star Wars, but you say it is because you care way too much about having the “correct” opinion.

Chaotic Good — Revenge of the Sith

When you argue, you climb the tallest nearby object to ensure you “have the high ground.” This isn’t just Star Wars to you — it’s Shakespeare. When you’re asked which Shakespeare play it reminds you of, you wring your hands nervously and mumble, “The Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise.”

Lawful Neutral — Return of the Jedi

You like seeing characters tested, but not in a cruel, unforgiving way — that’s why you skipped Game of Thrones. You twerk uncontrollably anytime you hear YubNub, which is understandable since it’s an absolute banger. You act like you never made out with your sister on an ice planet in the name of narrative consistency (and maybe a dash of Catholic guilt).

True Neutral — The Last Jedi

Using the term “subverted expectations” in daily conversation is your kink. You enjoyed watching fans lose their minds in the comments section more than you enjoyed the movie. You thought that scene of Luke milking an alien, then drinking it, was tastefully done.

Chaotic Neutral — The Phantom Menace

Liking Jar Jar is a shockingly large part of your personality. You think he’s just misunderstood (translation: you enjoy watching other people suffer). You think everyone should find intergalactic economics as compelling as you do. If you could buy Trade Federation stock on Robinhood, you absolutely would. The first time you had sex, you shouted, “Now THIS is podracing!” as you finished. You went without for a while after that.

Lawful Evil — The Force Awakens

You cheered so loudly for the opening crawl that you failed to notice the typo in it. You also immediately started justifying a typo I just made up, rather than confirming if it was real or not. You showed up on opening night with your red “Make Star Wars Great Again” hat, and you felt like J.J. Abrams DELIVERED. You refuse to accept the criticism that this movie is a carbon copy of A New Hope. Your arguments include poignant defenses like, “Tatooine isn’t the only planet with sand,” “There’s a reason A New Hope is used to teach the Hero’s Journey,” and “But this one’s about a girl.”

Neutral Evil — Attack of the Clones

You hate sand, but love Natalie Portman’s shoulders (so soft…and smooth). You’re haunted by dialogue that should never have been written. You love that Yoda moonlights as an Olympic gymnast. You once got a concussion while trying to replicate his moves. You (rightfully) think purple is the coolest mutha’ f***in’ lightsaber color — blue and green are for basic bitches.

Chaotic Evil — The Rise of Skywalker

THE DEAD SPEAK — and you stood up and cheered? You live in the now without troubling yourself with nagging questions like “how?” or “why?” You also love hearing Maury Povich shout “YOU ARE THE FATHER,” but only if the father turns out to be Maury himself. This movie is so bad, I’m jumping franchises to describe you. When Michael Kaine says, “Some men just want to watch the world burn,” in The Dark Knight, he’s talking about YOU. You Skywalker.