The Share-House PTSD Club

Room Available

Only misogynists, antisocial plate hoarders and secret alcoholics need apply

Photo by Denny Müller on Unsplash

ABOUT THE ROOM:

Gorgeous, light-filled room available in retro share-house. Perfect for a gigantic let-down to move in and spoil our vibe.

ABOUT US:

Two trauma-bonded, 21 y.o. females stuck in flight-or-fright mode for the last six months from a successive barrage of incredibly crappy housemates. We love low-wattage lights, earthenware and naming our house-plants.

We check in with each other most mornings over the Woolworth’s catalogue in the kitchen to make sure neither of us was buried in a shallow grave on the side of the Tonkin Highway the night before. Our nervous systems are a little on the fried side from living with a sense that one of us will probably end up as a DNA sample under our housemate’s fingernails.

Apart from that, we’re just your regular 21 y.o. students with PTSD and clinical levels of dissociation. Oh, and we’d love to make a veggie-patch in the backyard this summer and get into yoga.

A BIT ABOUT YOU:

We’d love open-minded students, vegetarians, artists, lefties, musicians, community-oriented people who like being in the garden and cooking a meal together. But for some reason this is a weirdly impossible fantasy. Every time we look for a new housemate we get so excited only to turn around and find a middle-age man who hates our guts moving his crappy divorce couch into our house. We can’t take the rollercoaster anymore so we’re reaching straight out to those people we know we’ll get:

• Anti-social plate-hoarders
• People who refuse to clean their beard hair from the sink
• Definitely any predatory bathroom-prowlers
• People who don’t knock first
• Secret alcoholics who go out in the night to empty their bottles in neighbours’ bins
• If you never buy toilet paper that’s the cherry on top
• We definitely don’t want anyone who puts the bathroom fan on after a shower. We’re hoping to lose all our bond on mould removal
• People who do only their dishes and not a fork more
• Passive-aggressives will be put straight to the front of the queue

Just generally, we’re looking for people who’ll make us feel like we’re living in a cheap hostel. If we’re not putting our ear against the inside of our bedroom door to hear if you’re out in the house before we consider stepping foot out of our room WE DON’T WANT YOU.

If there’s even a hint there’s any cross-over in our interests PLEASE DON’T APPLY.

And, lastly, please don’t feel obliged to offer dinner to anyone. It would literally be insane of you to replace any crockery you smash — especially the expensive stuff. Actually, don’t even bother sweeping it up.

PAST HOUSEMATE:

We’re saying farewell to Ryan who’s leaving some pretty big shoes for you to fill.

The first thing Ryan did when he moved in was ask for a key to his bedroom door. The door’s about two hundred years old so we told him that nobody had seen a key for it since about 1800. Ryan took the lock out of the door, went to a locksmith and got a key for it. Now he locks the door whenever he leaves the room. Even to brush his teeth.

We’ve never seen inside his room. He literally scrapes his skeletal body through the tiny opening before locking it again. There’s probably dead bodies in there. We think he may have sex with them. We’re not sure how many or exactly what he does with them. We always meant to bring it up in a house-meeting.

Rent:

$250 per week and bills are usually $100 a month. It’s non-negotiable, but obviously if you don’t pay or pay in drips and drabs we’ll cover it while you continue to walk all over us.

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