SURVIVING THE CAPITAL

Capital Confessions — Episode 11

The Capital’s Most Expensive Game

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Welcome to Capital Confessions — my ongoing attempt to understand, survive, and make sense of what Abuja has refused to explain.

When moving to the Capital, you’d hear tales and hearsays about how expensive it is, but honestly, nothing prepares you for how expensive.

Previous chapters of the Capital Confessions series have given you a brief insight into how expensive the transport system is, but boy oh boy, that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Listen, when I tell you that the Capital can be ridiculously expensive, I mean freakishly expensive. The worst part is when a vendor or shop owner boldly calls an incredibly high amount and then proceeds to say, “Nah, because you be my customer na why I no call price for you.” Translation: they are supposedly doing you a huge favour because of your “relationship.”

Now, many of these expenses still leave room for a little vendor-customer haggling. But when it comes to landlords, tenants, and agents... omo, it’s safer to just forget your bargaining skills at home because those people do not even blink.

Welcome to The Gospel According to Abuja Agents!!!

The house rent is already set at a ridiculously high price of 800k for a self-con (and this isn’t even in town sef). Then an agent is charging you 15k to 20k for inspection, the legal fee is around 25% to 40% of the actual rent, and then there’s a caution fee of 50k to 100k.

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By the time they calculate the total package for you, you’d be hearing 1.3 or 1.5 million and wondering if paying for shelter now requires a bank loan and emotional support.

Now, you’ve already factored in the proximity of the place to your office, and yes, searching elsewhere might be cheaper... but transport would definitely cost more.

The agents know this too.

So, no matter how much you try to haggle, they rarely budge. Instead, they start subtly hinting that another client is interested in the same apartment and is “ready to pay immediately.”

And 75% of the time, while you’re still contemplating how ridiculous the price is, or how broke you’d become afterward, the other client actually pays for the house, and you’re left to start the hustle all over again.

And let me tell you, the hustle is brutal.

From searching for a reliable agent, to downloading countless videos, to transporting yourself to inspect houses, to paying inspection fee upon inspection fee... only to finally find one you like.

Then you point out a few things you’d want fixed, start having last-minute doubts (which is understandable), and before you know it, someone else sweeps the house right off the market chat after making payment for the apartment you had already mentally arranged furniture inside.

Then it’s back to square one.

The process is a gruelling, vicious, and seemingly unending cycle that nobody ever truly wins... unless you eventually decide to take the bull by the horns and submit to the ridiculously expensive prices.

And even then, someone somewhere might still pay higher, causing the landlord or agent to refund your money like it’s petty cash compared to the bigger offer they just received.

There’s really no cheat code to house hunting in Abuja. Maybe just a very powerful prayer point... and the kind of doggedness almost every Nigerian seems to possess.

Next episode, I’ll bring you even closer to this experience. But until then, this is Capital Confessions — still learning and still telling.