mactha 🌿.

“Ada yang hilang dariku belakangan, dan tak mudah untuk bertemu rasa senang. Sedang kucari yang jadi pencetusnya, mungkin hilangnya atau siklus hidupku? Mungkin aku sedang tak bisa jatuh cinta?” — Teh Hijau (by Tulus).

You can listen to this song while reading what I thought in this article.

She used to have so much energy. She had dreams that made her excited about life. She loved her favorite songs, movies, series, places, and the artists who inspired her. But now, even those things no longer bring her joy.

She used to find her happiness in the little things. One Direction (especially her #1, Niall), reading books, listening to music, walking to the bookstore or cute things, and enjoying her favorite food and drinks. Now, she just sits and feels empty.

She rarely talks about how she feels or her thoughts. She’s afraid people won’t understand and might call her too sensitive. So, she stays quiet, even when she’s hurting.

She misses the person she used to be, and she wants to find herself again somewhere in the things she once loved.

She tries to enjoy them again, but it feels like she’s only pretending, as if she’s simply moving through life without any real joy. She misses who she used to be.

She loses her spark and doesn’t know how to get it back. But one thought keeps reminding her, “Let’s die, and we’ll be fine”.

The hardest part about losing her spark isn’t losing it — it’s no longer having the strength to find it again.

Maybe this is why I chose “Matcha” as the title and Teh Hijau by Tulus as a song that you can listen to.

Not everyone likes matcha the first time they taste it. It’s earthy, a little bitter, and quiet. It doesn’t try to impress anyone with sweetness. It simply asks for patience.

Maybe healing is like that too.

She spent so much time waiting to feel like herself again, hoping that one morning she would wake up and everything would finally make sense. But maybe healing was never meant to happen all at once.

Maybe she wasn’t meant to become the person she used to be, and she was slowly becoming someone new.

Is it wrong or right? We never know, because the story will grow inside anyone. The story was never about finding the old version of herself; it was about staying long enough to meet the better one.

Bloom slowly, like cherry blossoms: not because you have to, but because it’s your season.

Cherry blossoms don’t rush to bloom. They don’t compare themselves to other flowers; they simply bloom when their season arrives.

Maybe she — no, maybe we could do the same.

We still don’t know when the emptiness will fade. Maybe today, tomorrow, next month, or maybe much later. But as long as we still choose to write, to listen to the songs we once loved, or to make another cup of matcha (or your favorite drinks), maybe there is still a quiet part of us that hasn’t given up.

Healing doesn’t always look like happiness; sometimes, healing is simply to stay until life begins to taste a little softer — just like matcha.

— x G.