How I Live the Life of a Married Single Woman with My Flatmate

There’s a Hidden Cost in 50/50 Relationships You Should Know About

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Someone once said, “Motherhood is a full-time job, while fatherhood is a hobby.” The older I get, the more that rings painfully true.

Married single woman. It’s a term I’ve come to understand deeply as an adult in this generation. It is a term that describes the lives of many women, including our mothers and many of us today.

Just last week, a man made a post on X (Twitter). According to him, his wife yelled too much when getting the children ready for school. He got lots of advice, mostly from women, telling him to help out rather than being a spectator. His response? “I’ll consider it.” That right there says it all.

The modern “50/50” marriage, where both partners split expenses, often exacerbates this imbalance, as the financial contribution from the man is not matched by an equal effort in household chores and parenting.

This leaves the woman at a deficit, shouldering approximately 80% of the total effort compared to the man’s 20%.

Now, I am a single woman who’s never been married, but I have a flatmate. And in comparing our living arrangements, I have realized that our relationship, with the exception of intimacy, is much like that of a married couple.

How It Started

I met my flatmate, let’s call her Sarah (not her real name), back in 2020, just after the COVID lockdowns. I needed a place closer to work; rent was outrageous, so I knew I had to share. I posted in a few WhatsApp groups, describing myself and what kind of roommate I wanted: a single, working-class female, introverted, with few friends.

Sarah replied within minutes. We met briefly; she seemed okay, soft-spoken, and, bonus point, my tribe. Very much like online dating, right? We found an already-furnished one-room apartment: neat, managed by a caretaker, and within budget. So we paid and moved in.

Fast forward five years: we now live in a two-bedroom flat. But through both houses, one thing has remained consistent: Sarah has never voluntarily picked up a broom or mop to clean the house.

Here’s how our living arrangement mirrors a typical “50/50” marriage:

The Imbalance

Don’t get me wrong, Sarah is a good flatmate in many ways. Introverted like me, timely with bills, never crowds the space with guests and indulges me when I need an audience for my crazy gimmicks. It’s like having a cat for a companion. She has also been my unofficial microfinance bank on broke days. But house chores? Forget it.

Household Management & Planning

Initiating Moves I was the one who initiated both of our moves. When we moved into our first apartment in 2020, I moved in first and cleaned the place before Sarah joined me. After four years, I was also the one who pointed out that we needed to move because the one-room apartment was too small for our belongings.

This is similar to how women often do the planning in a marriage and pressure their husbands to move.

The Mental Load Sarah contributed financially to the house hunt, but I was the one who mapped out the specifications for the new place. While she only cared about being close to a main road, I was responsible for finding the best brands, models, and vendors for furniture and appliances.

This parallels how a woman is often the one to push for necessary home appliances and figure out the interior layout. Men are often bad at home layout planning and leave it to the woman.

Cleaning She orders takeout, hires someone to wash her clothes, but cleaning? It’s like she expects the house to magically clean itself. The few times we’ve ever quarrelled were about cleaning.

Once, after being away for a month, I returned to find the house looking like those TikTok ‘deep clean’ horrors. I had come home to overflowing bins, rotting food containers, a soiled toilet, flies and cockroaches. The smell alone could raise the dead. I exploded, of course, but her response was a calm apology and excuse: “Oh, I was so busy, I didn’t notice.”

Sound familiar? In many marriages, men act blind to the mess until their wives scream. Even then, they stay calm, making the wife look like she’s overreacting about “nothing serious.” Yet, these same men will complain about a single toy left on the floor.

Looking at it from the 50/50 lens: Even though we both contribute financially, I am the one who expends a lot of energy keeping the house clean. I buy the cleaning supplies and feel the need to maintain a tidy space for my own sanity and visitors.

Cooking Sarah hates cooking and has never made a solid meal. In five years, she’s cooked noodles, like maybe nine times, and always bland. Then she proceeds to leave the dirty pot for me. She orders takeout and expects me to clean up after her, even if she’s just picking at food I’ve made. I enjoy cooking for myself, and sometimes I offer her food.

The “Wife’s” Burden: In many marriages, men are unappreciative of the meals their wives make, often grumbling about the food. They expect to be served and for their wives to clean up after them.

Even in a “50/50” arrangement where a man contributes money for food, the woman is the one who buys the ingredients, upgrades the kitchen, and uses her time, skills, and energy to prepare the meal, serve him, and clean up afterwards.

Relating To Others

Neighbourhood Affairs I am the one who familiarizes with neighbours. Because of this, neighbours always tell me first about anything that requires our attention in the compound.

This dynamic is similar to African marriages where women, who were often housewives or had small businesses, were more involved in neighbourhood affairs and passed messages along to their husbands.

The Emotional And Invisible Load I am the more observant one who notices when things break, fixes lightbulbs, sources furniture, etc. Sarah’s contribution? She brings her half of the money, which is fair, but the mental, emotional and physical work? All mine.

Sarah and I don’t have children, but if we did, I know I’d be the one to keep up with birthdays, remind about family obligations, plan gifts, and maintain connections. Just as many wives do for both sides of the family.

In the old African model, men carried the full financial responsibility, while women handled the physical, mental, and emotional loads. Still an unequal trade, but at least it was clear. In the 50/50 model, women still handle the invisible load and add financial support. So what exactly does the man offer, other than his half of the bills? And when children come, it’s the woman who sacrifices her body, health, and career.

The Uncomfortable Truth

In our shared flat, I’m the wife and Sarah is the husband. I do the cleaning, fixing, planning, and emotional labour on top of my half of the rent and utilities. Sarah shows up with half of the money, but almost nothing else.

Some men say, “Well, at least I pay the bills.” But so does the woman. Yet she still does the cooking, cleaning, childrearing, and planning, things that don’t show on paper, but weigh heavily every single day.

And yes, it’s exhausting.

So, What’s The Lesson?

The modern “50/50” relationship, if lived fairly, can work but only if both partners truly split everything: money, chores, emotional labour, mental load, and parenting. But in reality, what usually happens is:

• Bills: 50/50
• Emotional, mental, physical load: 80/20

And the silent casualty? The woman’s wellbeing.

In the end, the so-called equal partnership becomes a silent single marriage. One partner living as though single, the other partner living as though married to two people: themselves and their spouse.

I admit I have been ranting about my flatmate, but writing this has offered a way to let out my pent-up frustration. I promised myself I wouldn’t quarrel with her anymore; I’ll just keep cleaning, planning, and maintaining the house for my sanity.

Care to know what my consolation is? The fact that we won’t live together forever. One of us may relocate or get married and leave eventually.

But then I ask myself, if this temporary living situation already eats at me so much, what about marriage, which is supposed to be permanent? What if I unknowingly end up with a man who is equally nonchalant about maintaining the home?

Yes, he may shout that he loves me. He may even be the sole financial provider. But I’ve come to see that effort and presence are just as important. Support is an underrated yet crucial part of marital relationships.

Some divorced men say, “The divorce came out of nowhere.” However, the handwriting was always on the wall. You either opted to ignore it or appeared unconcerned. The days when she craved your presence, asked for your support, begged for you to put in effort… And instead, you undermined her emotions, downplayed her efforts, and tagged her “hysterical” or “nagging.”

Then one day, like me, she heals and dissociates. She eventually stops begging or calling your attention. She goes silent.

And when she decides she’s ready, she leaves and serves you the papers. And you say it came out of nowhere. Smiles.

If your partner is still being dramatic, you still have time to flip things around and start acting right. If they’ve gone silent and nonchalant… good luck to you.

My post doesn’t only go to married people, even though I centred it around them. Roommates, lodgers, flatmates, children — you too, learn. And yes, this can also be about wives being the lackadaisical ones, not just husbands.

If You’re in A 50/50 Relationship:

Take note, not just of money, but of cleaning, planning, remembering, fixing, cooking, calling, and caring. If it’s truly equal, great. If it’s not? Then it’s time for an honest conversation.

Because, as I have learned from my flatmate: Paying half the rent is not the same as carrying half the home.

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Edited by Barbara Jennejohn & Wandering Mind

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