The “Let Them” Theory Sidesteps Common Sense

It’s the avocado toast of self-help

Photo created via Canva.

Can anyone explain to me why the so-called “Let Them” theory is so popular?

I literally shake my head as I listened to the most basic things being monetized into cultural aha moments.

The “Let Them” theory offers you advice like: If they don’t invite you, let them. If they don’t call, let them. If they show you who they are, let them. Lol.

The advice is older than your grandmother’s grandmother, but now it’s being sold to you via books, podcasts and Oprah. And if you get that coveted Oprah seal of approval beware because it’s guaranteed to be problematic.

I’m not writing to tell you the idea is worthless. It just isn’t new. And unless you are brand new, it should not have you reassessing your life. It’s a remix of long-standing wisdom grounded in the most basic of basic concepts. Do you know the Serenity Prayer? The first half is the most popular part which says: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Wouldn’t you say that’s let them in a nutshell?

Or maybe you would prefer what Maya Angelou famously said: When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

The media nonsense surrounding most trends in self-help try to brand old wisdom as refreshing and new, but stuff like this frames the message as revolutionary when it was taught as common sense long before social media made it viral.

There’s no groundbreaking philosophy here. It’s more like the avocado toast of self-help. Maybe that’s why it gained such traction. The algorithm sells it to you as a solution, but it’s really a reminder to stop arguing with reality.

Yes, it’s true. You do not control other people; you only control your response to them.

When a friend’s pattern is to flake out on plans regularly, stop rearranging your schedule to accommodate them. Accept that they may be a fair weather friend not a forever one. Let people do what they do — and then act on the information you’ve collected. Refer back to the Maya Angelou quote if needed.

Y’all, boundaries aren’t vibes. I cannot say this enough.

Loving and respecting yourself often means setting healthy boundaries in relationships. If you’re doing it to be punitive, don’t be dishonest by labeling it as something else.

Realize there’s also a privilege angle the let them trend rarely considers. “Let Them” is easier to apply when you have options. It’s one thing to let a unreliable friendship end; it’s another to let a boss underpay you when your rent is due in five days. Not every situation can be weighed by this theory. You can’t let a co-parent ignore pickup schedules that affect your child’s safety. Would you really ignore the fact that a significant other is abusing drugs in front of your children? I’m being extreme, but I want to be clear.

Detaching is not always the only move. Sometimes there are additional efforts required. You can let them when stakes are low and your well-being or the safety of others isn’t on the line. It becomes a huge risk when power is imbalanced or the threat of harm is ongoing.

If we’re not careful, this kind of self-help advice will have you toeing a thin line between detachment and complicity in things you never intended.

What people actually need isn’t permission to disengage — it’s courage to follow through.

If you bought that book and find the advice refreshing, let it be a nudge to start building self-trust.

Also, the self-help theory doesn’t replace needed conversation. Say directly “Here’s what I need” and “This is what happens if the pattern doesn’t change.” Allow them to make their choice which will inevitably guide yours. You earn the right to detach after clarity. Otherwise, you’re probably stuck fueling resentment — an unhealthy pattern you will have to break.

We live in different times now, but it should go without saying: Let people dress how they want, enjoy music you don’t like, eat food you hate, say cuss words you wouldn’t repeat, etc. We shouldn’t need a theory for minding our own business, but here we are, apparently requiring content to say, “Stop micromanaging people who didn’t ask for your input.”

Want to simplify your life even more? Stop groveling at the feet of people who consistently show they are inconsistent. Conserve your energy for people and projects that nourish you.

By all means, don’t allow your detachment to become a mechanism for ghosting, a refusal to apologize, or a way to dodge conversations that would either deepen a bond or gently end it. If your version of “let them” always makes you right and them wrong, you’re probably lost in a sense of superiority.

That’s not growth.

It’s your gigantic ego.

Your support helps me to continue writing and earning extra income through this platform. Please take a few minutes to engage with my articles. Follow and subscribe to get more of my content.