Photo by Yara Kinds on Unsplash

What if I like pain?

I know, it’s a weird question. I have been told by myself the one that knows me ,that’s always with me, observing me and judging me. But this question haunted me when I carried myself from the hard surface, and I missed lying there. I missed how much I felt at that moment. I longed for my heart to beat the way it did, for the tears to flow like a waterfall, for my hair to be messy. It was like a drug that lifted me into the air while I was still on the ground, that made me feel special, like I’m something to feel this much, maybe much more. I realized at that moment that I, too, am a human after all.

I guess that’s why I like pain it made me feel human.

I think I should change my sentence because, in truth, I don’t like pain. I hate it, but I love it all the same. It’s strange, I know. I have known. But, as a matter of fact, I hate the reason behind the pain, but I like the way it makes me feel like rain , heavy and overflowing.

The other version of me stepped forward and asked: “If you like to feel too much, you love it. Doesn’t happiness make you feel like this too? Like too much, too heavy, overwhelming? Then you must like being happy too because of the same reason.”

I was silent for five seconds that felt like ten seconds.

“No.”

I had my answer. I was surprised by it too because happiness, whatever you say happiness always felt abrupt, flying away too easily. Besides, you never look back at the times you were happy when you are finally happy in the present.”

Or maybe it just does not have the same pull, the same infatuation, the same attraction that pain has.

If someone asked me, “If you like pain this much, would you like to have it for the rest of your life?”

“No,” I would say without wasting any time, because I love it, but I don’t want to have it.

It’s like the toxic person in your life whom you love but have to separate yourself from because they are not good for you. You have to save yourself, even when you know you would feel like the sun with them.