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I just realized something today…

something heavy, something I’ve been avoiding for so long because I knew it would hurt.

Maybe I’m not worth being loved.

It sounds dramatic, but that’s genuinely how it feels in my chest right now.

Because look at me

I’m ugly, with a body that feels like a mistake,

a face that never looks good enough,

and a mind that constantly tells me I’m stupid.

I carry all of that quietly, like a secret I hope no one notices,

but somehow it always finds a way to scream inside me.

Sometimes I ask myself,

“Do I even deserve to be loved by anyone?”

And today… I didn’t know how to answer.

I feel guilty for belonging to someone.

Especially to my Paitul.

He’s kind, patient, and genuinely good

and what does he get in return?

Me.

A girl with an ugly body,

an ugly face,

an ugly personality,

and an ugly brain.

Everything ugly wrapped into one person.

And I just think…

What the hell?

Poor man.

He ended up with the worst combination possible.

Someone who doesn’t shine,

someone who isn’t worth showing off,

someone who can’t even love herself enough to believe anyone else can.

And that guilt sits so deep it almost hurts physically.

I keep thinking he deserves someone better,

someone lighter, smarter, prettier,

someone who doesn’t feel like she has to apologize just for existing.

I don’t know why today it hit harder.

Maybe my heart was tired.

Maybe I finally stopped pretending.

But tonight, I feel like love is something made for everyone else

and not for me.

Maybe one day I’ll see myself differently.

But not today