Indiana: Now With 100% More Alligators And 200% More Fabulous Footwear

In what may be the most Florida headline ever to come out of Indiana, police in Jeffersonville responded to a late-night traffic hazard call and discovered something slightly more scaly than the average jaywalker: a 4.5-foot alligator. Yes, an actual alligator. On a city street. Because apparently, Jeffersonville is now auditioning to become the world’s saddest theme park.

The juvenile-sized alligator was spotted around 2 a.m. Sunday. Local residents did what any rational group of humans would do upon seeing a reptile that predates the invention of the wheel: they called 911 and watched as it sauntered over to the front windows of a law office — because even alligators need good legal representation these days.

Before wrangling the animal — which, by the way, is not in any police training manual for the Midwest — officers naturally paused for a quick picture with the alligator. Because if you’re going to risk your limbs in a city not known for its swamps, you might as well get a selfie for Instagram.

Police called a representative from a reptile sanctuary based in Scottsburg. Yes, that’s right, Indiana not only has alligators, it apparently has enough to warrant a specialized reptile sanctuary. Residents and local workers did a double-take, presumably reevaluating every puddle they’ve ever stepped over downtown.

Wildlife officials have since identified the owner, who claimed the alligator is 12 years old and likely escaped from its enclosure, presumably after years of plotting its Shawshank Redemption. Despite being 12, the reptile is only 4.5 feet long — normally, an alligator of that age would be nearly twice that size, but apparently, this one is on the keto diet. Fun legal fact: keeping alligators under 5 feet in length is absolutely legal in Indiana. That’s right, you can own a small alligator, just not a big one, because apparently, legislators drew the line at ‘manageable maulings.’

And just when you thought this story couldn’t get any weirder, enter Jordan Jones: the director of The Kentuckiana Scaletuary. She had just driven back from Cincinnati and, because apparently this is an episode of America’s Got Talent: Animal Control Edition, she arrived in high heels to wrangle an alligator now affectionately nicknamed “Gator Boy See Ya Later Boy.” Because if you’re going to risk losing a toe, you might as well be fashionable.

She arrived in high heels to wrangle an alligator. Because if you’re going to risk losing a toe, you might as well be fashionable.

Jones, who learned at Florida wildlife rehabs — the Ivy League for people who have to wrestle prehistoric predators — knew you’re supposed to pick up alligators by the base of the tail to protect the spine. Unfortunately, “Gator Boy See Ya Later Boy” didn’t get the memo and opted for interpretive dance: slashing, whipping, and generally auditioning for Riverdance: Swamp Edition. Which is how we got Jones, in high heels, straddling an alligator on a city sidewalk, while the rest of Indiana presumably questioned all of their life choices.

For the record, Jones usually spends her days helping turtles heal their shells — a job description that was already weird enough before this week. But now she’s fundraising for “Gator Boy See Ya Later Boy’s” veterinary bills, which are apparently $500. Because yes, even alligators can rack up medical debt in America. Welcome to late-stage capitalism, folks.

Following the alligator’s checkup — because, again, this all happened — officials said “Gator Boy See Ya Later Boy” could eventually be released back to his owner. So, to recap: the alligator survived its city adventure, a woman in heels, and America’s healthcare system. Frankly, that’s more than most of us can say.

Gator Boy See Ya Later Boy’s vet bill https://givebutter.com/gator-boy-see-ya-later-boy-vet-bills-eduvia?

The Kentuckiana Scaletuary https://cash.app/$thekyscaletuary