why is there a burden to having it all?

I’m grateful for everything that I have in life. But why do I feel this way?

Most people think that by having everything in life meant that you were rich, you had what you asked for, what you wanted, and I think that it’s not all true.

At least from my point of view.

Having everything in life feels like the life I have now.

I have clothes, I have food on the table, I have all of the electronics I could possibly need, I have a comfy bed, I am grateful.

But why does that feel so easy? Why does my life feel so easy?

I don’t want to wish for a heavier life.

But somehow, when I look at other people, they seem to have different struggles – bigger struggles – that make mine feel so small.

The way I didn’t have the energy to reply to a person I don’t want to reply to at all.

The way I couldn’t eat my favourite foods from miles away. An ocean away.

The way I feel stuck and lonely and time-spentful when I’m overseas, away from my favorite people in the whole entire world.

I used to downplay how I felt.

I thought, “oh, just teenage blues. I’ll get over it.”

But no, it was depression in disguise.

It was me and my body and my mind trying to gasp a real experience I haven’t felt in years.

And when I came home, it all felt real.

The less time I spent on my phone, the more time I talked to people around me.

The more I went outside, the more I felt leas of the need to overthink.

A vacation is a well-needed one.

And somehow, as I experiences every life in the Philippines, I constantly heard the people around me say, “My dream is to leave this country and find more opportunities in other countries.” or “You are so lucky you’re comfortable in that country.”

But why did it feel more of a burden that pride?

Why did wanting to follow my passion come with so much guilt?

Was it the fact that I could? That I could follow the dream I wanted? That instead of choosing something practical like nursing, I’m choosing to be a filmmaker instead?

The words they threw about my dream of having “less opportunities” and “unrealistic” felt more and more burdening.

It was so special, so out-of-the-world to make and edit videos just to make a living. It was so special to make a living out of something so creative.

And I hated the fact that they wanted me, a person so creative, to face the reality.

But was that reality really for me?

And their doubts really did spread to me.

I found myself trying to find a way if I didn’t succeed for my dream. If my ambitions ran out. If no creatives wanted to take me in. Did I want to work at a café? Or a Jollibee? Or as a part-time worker in some random bread shop? Or did I want to work boring office jobs just to put food on the table?

Was I really going to let my life be that way, if I followed the passion I was made for? Was I even made for that passion?

And for the truth, I felt so selfish.

So selfish to follow a dream that I started to question if it was for me without realizing that the “special” circumstance that they were talking about was the special chance I got to have.

I know that we all have different lives to live.

I just wish more people worked through the idealistic path more, towards the positive side more, than to focus on a lost that has never happened yet.

To focus on a passion not working out is expecting homemade food to be bad because someone who has cooked for you before didn’t have the proper ingredients.

And I get it.

But it feels awfully shameful and ungrateful to say that I have all that it means to follow my passion.

Just because I witnessed other people not having the chance I have now.

And the words I am spewing out feel so targeting, like I am intentionally hurting those who have less chances on their side.

But I choose to be grateful. And humble. And uplifting.

Just because a passion doesn’t look like it has many opportunities doesn’t mean it’s not real.

The fact that it exists means that it can be possible.

You can still make a homemade food taste good. If you it wanted to.

You can be possible.

Follow that passion.

For what it’s worth, God’s will is God’s bill.

if He wanted you to have that path, he will provide every means necessary for you to take on that path. Kaya mo ‘yan.

Hindi naman ibig sabihin hindi ka na maghihirap, ibig sabihin lang noon ay hindi ka niya pababayaan dahil hindi ka nag-iisa sa laban.

And the fact that I have such a given life means that I could give more.

Because He gave me more, to spread more.