Wanting to Date “Slightly Autistic Women” is Predatory

Take it from an actually autistic woman

Photo by Moises Alex on Unsplash

It’s everywhere you look nowadays: content about autism. From heaps of misinformation on TikTok to funny skits by advocates and positive autistic role models on Youtube: Autism is almost… hot. Weird…

If you’re autistic, like me, you probably never thought you’d live to see the day.

The good news is visibility and a wider acceptance of autistic people has been growing and it was about time.

But on the internet, every ray of sunshine has a rotten, stinking lining. And content about autism is not getting any special treatment in that regard.

And as so often happens, it’s women who get to deal with the brunt of the consequences of this (dare I say it?) trend. Because using the term ‘trend’ provides a pretty little cloak for much darker motives and tendencies to hide under, so women don’t see it coming until it is too late.

Men looking for “slightly autistic girls”

For a while now, something peculiar is showing up in men’s dating profiles all over the apps. When citing preferences, they explicitly state that they’re looking for “slightly autistic women” or “slightly autistic girls”.

Women have been noticing more and more men using this statement, often at the top of their profiles. They’ve got a real thing for the ‘slightly autistic’, so it seems.

Just take a look at this little compilation:

[embed]

If your initial reaction to reading this isn’t one of disgust, then let me fix that for you.

Because what is underneath this seemingly cutesy statement that a guy is looking for someone slightly autistic is damaging in each and every way.

An old stereotype rebranded

This slightly autistic girl all these guys are looking for is hard to pin down. Because, what do you even mean, slightly autistic?

Well, let me try to describe her for you. She is cute, usually not tall. She is funny but without always meaning to be. She is a bit clumsy and bruises easily — eeeeewwww. She is very honest. She is the girl that doesn’t play games, that doesn’t manipulate you, that won’t cheat on you.

Loyal to a fault. I mean, you could break her little heart and she won’t just run, imagine that.

She is the girl with the original views on life that can teach you to see the world in all its wonder, the way you’ve never seen it before. She tends to walk around in colorful clothes, has a different style and usually her hair sports some funky color too. She’s into sexy nerdy things like gaming or anime and goes hard when it comes to her special interests. And if you’re really lucky, she’s kinky in the bedroom.

To put it briefly, she’s not like the other girls — double eeeewwww.

And that is why she is so charming, so special, so sweet.

She’s basically the manic pixie dream girl under a new umbrella term. She also has in common with this stereotypical character that the focus is solely on what she brings to the table, how she makes the guy feel. He can be all manly, strong and responsible. He can be the grown-up while she can indulge in her cute, childish pursuits. He can be in charge while she plays with a fidget toy.

And like the manic pixie dream girl — hey, what’s in a name? — she doesn’t exist. She was only just a dream.

Your slightly autistic girl, your infantilized woman on the spectrum, is not real. There goes your bubble. Good.

Poster child for coercive control

The problematic preferences this slightly autistic dream girl reflects, however, sure are real. And they are damaging to real women, especially real autistic women.

Yes, Chad, it is that deep. Because what you’re asking for is not a whole woman. It’s a girl child that lives in function of you. Not only is that predatory and plain creepy, it causes a power imbalance in the relationship.

Your slightly autistic girl, your infantilized woman on the spectrum, is not real. There goes your bubble. Good.

You look at that autistic woman and see a child you can dominate — sick, sick, sick. You don’t care about her needs, but only about what she can do for you. You only care about the outward quirky manifestations of her autism, not about its true complexity and nuance.

She needs to keep it cute. And you can do whatever you want. Your slightly autistic girl is the poster child for coercive control.

It’s not hard to see how real autistic women are in danger here. Autistic people are more likely to experience abuse at the hands of a partner. They are more likely to be taken advantage of.

But they want true, meaningful relationships, just like everyone else. And these men have created the perfect cover to lure them in. They pretend to be accepting of their neurodivergence — for many a true disability and a burden when dating — only to expect them to conform to some stereotype that is, above everything else, never inconvenient. Only enriching. To them, that is.

Actual autism isn’t cute

And here’s the thing. To the men who pretend to be looking for an autistic partner and who are themselves not on the spectrum: you’re not. You haven’t the slightest clue what autism is, nor do you really want to know.

Take it from an actually autistic woman—not a girl: you couldn't handle us.

Because autism isn’t cute, easy or fun. Don’t get me wrong, some of us are really funny and want to be. We can be extremely quick-witted, verbose, empathetic and kind. Some of us are amazing artists, cooks, advocates or writers. Some of us are the very best friends, daughters or sisters you could wish for.

Photo by Zachary Delorenzo on Unsplash

But all of us struggle. Because we are autistic. We are constantly trying to cope with living in a world that wasn’t built for us. And we have a wide variation of ways to handle that. Even if you’re still regarded as very ‘high-functioning’ — I hate that word too — you’re still on the spectrum. You’re still going to experience meltdowns, overstimulation and sensory issues.

You’re likely to experience trouble getting and staying employed.

You’re likely experiencing social issues that can make you feel incredibly alone.

I suffer from migraines, chronic pain and often extreme fatigue. I have to recuperate a lot. From everything. My nervous system is almost permanently overcooked. It affects every aspect of my life. I get chronic burnouts and have not yet found a way to avoid those.

My partner, who was not explicitly looking for my condition, but for a person he could love, has to deal with that. He has to deal with the fact that I get mad if you touch me while I’m eating. He has to deal with my sometimes extremely rigid life rules which I tend to also apply to him. He loves me, and truly tries to understand autism so he can help me when I need it. Because sometimes, I do need it.

My life, and the lives of those around me, would be a lot easier if I wasn’t autistic. It’s a disability, not a cute, quirky character trait.

And if you’re autistic and dating online, then please be aware of these predators. Not everyone who says they are looking for an autistic partner is telling the truth. Dating is already hard, you don’t need this. And, autistic or not, we all need to consistently swipe left on these creeps.

If you like my ramblings, feel free to support me on Ko-fi.

For more stories about how women’s vulnerability is is exploited in modern dating culture, follow Fourth Wave. Also check out our Livestreams and sign up for our Newsletter. Let’s grow the community! Have you got a story or poem that focuses on women or other targeted groups? Submit to the Wave!