i thought i knew.

one thing i learned as i reached the ripe age of 26 is that it is alright to have negative feelings. it is alright to sit with them for as long as i can until i can ride them out.

grief, anger, hatred, insecurity, anxiety.... among these negative feelings-- i think i sit with hatred more often than i want to. hatred for the skewed, corrupt, and unfair system; hatred for the people who have wronged me and my loved ones-- hatred for my boyfriend's exes that keep on reaching out; hatred for my thesis partner who left me scrambling just to graduate and finish the paper.

hatred is such an intense feeling that i already thought i was familiar with.

i thought hatred was familiar... i thought wrong. i had to come face to face with one disease that would completely shatter my heart, as well as my family's. this disease continues to eat away at my auntie's body despite her strong will, faith, and hope. my aunt, who despite her diagnosis, continued to fight until remission but was knocked out once again with a metastatic recurrence. one that would render her unable to eat, talk, and breathe.

i thought i knew hatred until someone i deeply loved and cared about had their cancer return and wrecked havoc that made me feel like the ground was shaking and that my world was facing apocalyptic doom.

i didn't. I did not know I would come face to face with hatred so intense and so deep at something so intangible because of what it took away from us, and what it continues to take.