Hello 29: A Letter to Nineteen-year-Old Me

Dear 19-year-old me,

I just finished reading the long note you wrote on your nineteenth birthday. Like I suspected, it was sitting pretty in your drive. I smiled…and even laughed a little. That was one hilarious, hopeful message, you know? But oh, what a life you’ve lived since then.

You were excited about your last year as a teenager. There was relief in your words, a sense that maybe things were finally starting to turn around. You looked forward to your 20s, eager for what was to come. Surely, these worries wouldn’t linger. Surely, there’s light at the end of the tunnel. That childlike wonder and hope? Cute. ‘Cos you were right…but also, not quite.

You lived a full life in your twenties. You took a break from school, but you went back. You failed your board exams but eventually passed. You couldn’t pay your rent, yet somehow, people housed you. You went days without food, but eventually ate. You convinced yourself love might never find you, but it did. You thought you might never become a doctor, but you now hold a practicing license. You hit rock bottom but came back up. You were suicidal, but you’re still here. Your faith wavered, but your feet never gave way.

Look at you now, a 29-year-old woman who understands that life isn’t a bed of roses, and that it will keep unfolding.

I’ve spent the past few days in deep thought and even concluded I wasn’t going to write this note today or celebrate this birthday. But then, I remembered a tweet I saw a couple of weeks ago that said, “But why are you scared? Is He not the God that brought you this far?”.

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I’ve gotten so lost in my current hurdles that I forget I’m now living in answered prayers — the ones you stayed up all night praying for. You were so hopeful, Tee. You believed we could do this. You imagined this life and prayed it forth. You’d be so proud of the woman I’ve become.

Although you might question where my audacity went, wondering what happened to that fearless young woman who once believed she could conquer the world just because she dared to try. You’d ask why I started hiding you.

Yet, I know you’d still embrace me, because you understand it’s been quite the journey. You’d see that I’ve failed more times in my twenties than I ever did in my first nineteen years. Back then, you could dream freely because there wasn’t much to lose. At 29, it’s not just my knees and back that have grown weaker; my heart and willpower have too.

I recently told a mentor that I somehow always end up doing hard things, and I always have. I quickly added that the alternative would be to stay in my comfort zone, which might be easier and stress-free, but far less fulfilling.

Here’s the truth:

You don’t grow in your comfort zone. You must learn to move, with a bold, almost audacious determination, the kind of doggedness most people only dream of. You have to picture the future you want and believe, with unwavering confidence, that it’s within your reach.

You taught me this. Every time I’m weak in the knees and think I can’t achieve, I ask what 19-year-old me would do. The answer is always to move like I’ve got nothing to lose. To be honest, I wish it were that easy. I panic. I get anxious. I worry it may never happen, but I try anyway.

Again, what a life you’ve lived!

Anywayyyyyyy, it hasn’t been all gloomy.

I’m happier now. My smile is wider and I laugh a lot. I now talk a whole lot. In fact, call it yappings! I’m still quite reserved, but I talk, and I love that, considering where I’m coming from. I’m not scared to speak my truth. Oh, I love adulthood and the teeny-weeny nonchalantness of it all.

I recently started my master’s in Epidemiology and Biomedical Data Science. You won’t believe I went back to school. Lol. Crazy stuff. Things are a little different now; I talk in class, share ideas, ask questions, and laugh with my classmates. It’s cool!

Learning to take life one at a time. I’m more mature now and fully accepting how much of a rollercoaster life can be. So, I’m embracing it all. Laughing with my entire heart when it calls for it, loving people deliberately, and doing whatever I want to do. ‘Cos we’re grown, baby!

Here’s my word for the new year:

And the Lord, He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed. ~ Deuteronomy 31:8

The God of my journey has helped me thus far. He’s the God of my past, present, and future, constantly holding it all together.

As I journey through my 29th year and gear up for year 30, I’m deeply grateful for the life I’ve lived over the past decade. There’s a story for each year, and I will always reflect. My heart is glad, and I so dearly look forward to my thirties.

So, happy birthday to me.

From 29 with love, TeeFaith