Building Unshakeable Self-Reliance: Why Your Happiness Can’t Depend on Others

Whenever we bind our happiness, self-esteem, or even the feeling of security to the behaviour, mood, or presence of other people, we are, in effect, relinquishing our control over our own emotional state to external forces. This leaves us in a permanent state of vulnerability, where the bad mood of our friend can ruin our day, the disapproval of our partner can devastate our self-esteem, or the praise of a colleague can define our self-worth in the profession. The outcome is an emotionally draining rollercoaster in which we are always responding to other people instead of making our own stability.

This addiction not only harms us, but it tends to destroy our relationships as well. In the case when we require others in order to prove ourselves, to be happy, or to solve our problems, we impose a burden on them and form an animosity. Human beings are sensitive when they feel that they are being used as emotional crutches, and it drives them away. It is ironic that the more we have to rely on others to maintain our well-being, the higher the chances that we will lose the same relationships as we are trying to maintain.

A simple graphic with the quote “Don’t place your happiness in someone else’s hands, because once they’re gone so is your happiness”

Five Pillars of True Self-Reliance

Emotional Independence refers to learn to control your own feelings and achieve inner peace irrespective of what is going on around you. It does not imply turning cold and unfeeling, but it can only be applied, on the other hand, by creating emotional strength, such that the actions of others educate your reaction, but do not dictate it. You get trained not to take disappointment, rejection, and criticism personally to make them reflect on your self-worth.

Financial Independence brings in security and choice, which alleviates anxiety and builds confidence. Mental Independence entails thinking independently, not taking up the opinion of others and presenting it as your personal opinion. Social Independence implies that one feels comfortable without necessarily being around someone and, therefore, does not have to rely on the presence of others to feel worthy. Purpose Independence is about seeking meaning and direction internally, as opposed to seeking others to provide us with purpose and meaning in our lives, or to give us advice on what we need to be doing.

Building Emotional and Mental Strength

Begin by looking at the places where you tend to need validation or approval of others, be it by posting to social media to get likes, always asking people around you to consult on things you could have decided on or even asking your partner whether you look good or whether you are good at something. Train to make little choices on your own and have the uncomfortable experience of not knowing whether other people like your choices.

Learn how to validate yourself internally by congratulating yourself, rewarding your progress and rewarding your own efforts, whether you are being acknowledged externally or not. Train yourself to work out feelings by journaling, meditating, or self-reflection instead of going directly to others and seeking comfort. This does not imply that he or she should not seek help, but learn to soothe and solve problems independently before resorting to the help of others to come to their rescue emotionally.

Creating Financial and Social Independence

Economic independence decreases stress and broadens choices in all spheres of life. The first thing to do is to establish an emergency fund, learn marketable skills, and establish multiple income streams where feasible. Even the tiniest moves that bring one closer to financial freedom, such as debt repayment or budgeting, bring psychological benefits that go well beyond money.

Social independence implies the ability to develop a quality relationship with oneself and derive pleasure in individual activities. Find things you can enjoy doing on your own, learn to enjoy spending time in silence, and train to go to the movies, restaurants or any other event alone. This does not imply turning into an anti-social person, but only makes sure that you do not require the presence of others to make you complete. By being at home with yourself, you are not in need but want to have relationships, which makes relationships healthier.

Healthy Interdependence vs. Toxic Dependency

Self-reliance does not require the self to be isolated or reject any assistance; it only requires the inner strength to pursue relationships on a footing of wholeness and not neediness. Healthy interdependence is a mutual assistance, mutual development, and voluntary exposure to others whom you trust. You are generous to others and are generous to be helped, but your basic health does not require these transactions.

The most important one is the one of choice and compulsion. Independent individuals decide to share their lives with other people since they bring happiness and fulfilment, not because they are incapable of operating in isolation. They can request assistance and not be devastated in case they do not find it, and they are able to assist without anticipating it will be returned. This will result in more real and genuine relationships since the two individuals are making the decision to be there and not just because of the fear of being emotionally dependent or being afraid to be lonely.