Jane Doe: Garden Criminal

TDW# 94 | Open Mic Poetry Week | Limerick

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It started innocently enough.

One afternoon Jane Doe appeared in my backyard and looked sweet, graceful, and entirely harmless; I even gave her a name. That was my first mistake.

Soon Jane worked out that my backyard was less private property than a complimentary buffet. She brought her children and told her friends. At least, I suppose she did. Otherwise, how could the news about the woman who was serving unlimited hostas have spread so rapidly?

I eventually realized I wasn’t dealing with wildlife.

I was handling organized crime.

Exhibit A: The Denial

There once was a deer named Jane Doe, Who devoured my garden just so. When caught red-hoofed there, With my hostas to spare, She cried, “Wrong Jane! Now please let me go!”

The authorities soon realized this was not Jane’s first time committing such an act; her record showed she had been involved in stealing hostas, possessing petunias illegally, trafficking tomatoes, and, in one instance, taking a rosebush in a most bold manner.

Exhibit B: The Rap Sheet

Her rap sheet was terribly long, Petunias and roses were gone. For tomato trafficking, And backyard hijacking, She swore that they’d gotten it wrong.

Finally, Jane was hauled before a judge. Surely justice would prevail.

We underestimated Jane.

Exhibit C: Contempt of Court

The judge said, “Now, Jane, you’re a pest!” But Jane was completely unimpressed. She ate his citation, Skipped probation, Then stopped at my neighbor’s for zest.

Jane Doe is still missing.

People are told to keep all their tomatoes safe, to strengthen their flower beds, and must never try to catch the suspect while having a salad.

As for myself, I’ve taken my lesson to heart.

One should never put faith in a pretty face.

In particular, when it has four legs, disregards property lines, and has a strong desire for landscaping.

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