No Longer Being a ‘Push-Over’

Beyond Frames: Cultivating Independence and Confidence

Life can often be seen as an endless battle of framing. Here, a ‘frame’ refers to a ‘way of thinking.’ It’s a struggle to see whether you can trap others within your frame or how free you can remain from others’ frames.

Frames exist in every aspect of life. From self-image to our environment, values, abilities, existence, perspectives on work, relationships, life, morals, ethics, religion, philosophy, science, and more — everything involves a particular viewpoint.

In theory, winning the framing war is simple: don’t get caught in others’ framing tactics. Just don’t get trapped by them. It sounds easy, but in reality, we get entangled with people and situations as if under a spell.

Why does this happen? It’s because we overlook a crucial fact:

Frames are not ‘absolute truths.’ They are merely ‘ways of thinking.’

The frames presented by others and society are simply ‘their frames.’ Of course, depending on the situation, some frames might be closer to the truth, more practical, or more meaningful. It’s also not necessary to reject all external frames. If a frame is objectively or practically more accurate and advantageous than mine, accepting and utilizing it can be beneficial to me.

The problem arises when it’s not. There are many instances when external frames are neither helpful nor accurate, yet we unconsciously get caught up in them. Actually, the expression ‘get caught’ is not appropriate. In reality, it’s more like ‘we voluntarily enter into that frame.’

A subtle process is at work here, originating from human conversational habits. We almost automatically treat what the other person says as a fact and engage in conversation. It’s true that such a practice facilitates smooth and efficient communication. However, strictly speaking, this is a ‘setting’ we created ourselves. We chose to do so for the sake of convenient communication. But at some point, we forget that this was our choice and start to consider ‘what the other person says as inherently important, absolute, and factual.’ This is an unconscious automatic response.

The issue is that we do this even when there’s no need to.

We continue to consider the frame presented by the other person as important and absolute, and engage in thinking or conversation within that frame even when it’s unnecessary. This habit has become so ingrained that it feels natural. However, if we mechanically follow this pattern, we end up getting trapped by the other person’s frame even when it’s unnecessary. We get caught not because the other person’s frame is strong or special, but because ‘we chose to do so ourselves.’ Realizing this is crucial.

This is also a sort of ‘evolutionary shortcut.’ There’s a psychological tendency to conveniently use the other person’s decent frame without going through the trouble of creating our own. It’s a matter of efficiency. But there will always be frames that are unnecessary or harmful to us. If we accept such frames blindly for the sake of convenience, eventually, side effects will occur.

• Judging the Usefulness of the Other Person’s Frame

Deciding what to do with the presented frame is essentially a matter of pure choice. This mechanism typically operates unconsciously. Therefore, we need to make it conscious. By doing so, we can actively determine which choice is wiser and more useful. This is the effect of ‘making the unconscious conscious.’

When encountering an external frame, always consider the following two principles:

1. If it is necessary for me, respond based on the other person’s frame. Think, react, and act accordingly.
2. If it is unnecessary for me, do not respond within the other person’s frame. Either remain indifferent or present another frame.

By keeping these two principles in mind, you can significantly reduce the chance of becoming a ‘push-over’ who gets swept up by the other person’s words or intentions.

Engaging in a conversation centered on the other person’s frame, as in principle one, is not inherently wrong. It’s a product of human communication evolution, and it’s a very useful and wise method. So, doing so is commendable. In today’s age, where empathy is important, developing this ability is even more crucial. This way, you can better understand and respond effectively to the other person and your surroundings.

However, this alone is insufficient. If, in the past, you only followed the first principle, from now on, try to remain indifferent to unnecessary frames or even present another frame, as in principle two. This is not about engaging in ego battles or power struggles but making the situation more efficient and practical for both you and the other person.

Not all frames presented to us are accurate or appropriate. Naturally, we must meticulously examine their accuracy, validity, reasonableness, and appropriateness. Even if evolution has attuned us to consider others’ words important, we must apply this differently depending on the situation.

By paying a little attention, you can simultaneously check these two aspects and respond appropriately. It may not be easy, especially if past patterns are strong. You might find yourself repeatedly falling into the other person’s frame, despite knowing better. However, do not get disappointed or frustrated. Keep trying. Pay attention to both using and rejecting frames. Consciously choose which of the two you will employ. As this becomes engraved in your consciousness, you will start applying it in real conversations. Eventually, you will clearly distinguish between the two in real time. You will see whether the other person’s frame is worth accepting without getting swept up. As you become aware, you can make active choices.

Observing yourself calmly examining the usefulness of an external frame and deciding whether to use it will be an indescribably gratifying experience.

• The Dog Chases the Thrown Stone, but the Lion Attacks the Thrower

Another way to avoid becoming a ‘push-over’ is to focus on the person who threw the frame rather than the content of the frame itself. The famous analogy goes like this: ‘The dog chases the thrown stone, but the lion attacks the thrower.’

For example, if someone throws a negative frame about your appearance or body, calling you ugly or fat, or saying you are incompetent, most people will start chasing the ‘thrown stone.’ Our feelings, thoughts, and reactions immediately get caught up in the frame, i.e., the content of their words.

This results in two reactions. The first is becoming self-conscious about our perceived ugliness or incompetence, taking the negative impact to heart. The second is getting angry and resisting or rebutting those words. Whether expressed outwardly or suppressed inwardly, both reactions are like a dog chasing the stone. We are voluntarily entering the prison of that frame. The thrower might even be smiling triumphantly.

The main reason for chasing the ‘thrown stone’ is our excessive attachment to ourselves regarding that frame. It’s because we focus our attention and interest solely on ourselves. The solution is not to disregard or devalue ourselves but to manage this attachment when it’s unnecessary. Pay attention to yourself when needed, but remain indifferent at other times. This way, you can remain unaffected by whatever frame the other person throws at you. If there’s no ‘me’ to get caught in the frame, you can ignore it. Although difficult, this method is the most powerful if done correctly.

So, what does it mean to ‘attack the thrower’ like a lion?

Instead of paying attention to the frame or the content of the words, shift your focus to the person who said them. This usually takes the form of questions or doubts.

“Why is this person saying this to me?” “Is there something else going on?” “Are they saying this because they have unresolved issues?” “Could they have a complex about their own appearance?”

Being curious about why the other person is saying this is not about finding fault or blaming them but shifting your focus to the person themselves. Even if you’re not genuinely curious, focus on the person who created the frame, not the frame itself. Like a lion roaring, ‘Roar~!’ The other person will be taken aback. They expected you to chase the stone, but suddenly, you’re confronting them!

You can also question them directly. If someone makes a negative remark about you, don’t get trapped by the content. Instead, seriously ask them:

“Why are you saying that? Has someone told you that you’re ugly (or incompetent)?” “I didn’t expect you to make such a comment. I’m disappointed. Was my judgment of you wrong?” “Are you perhaps a superficial person?” “How would you feel if someone said that to you?”

There are many questions you can ask.

Focusing on the person rather than the frame has several advantages. One, it prevents your thoughts from getting caught up in an unnecessary frame. You avoid engaging in an unnecessary game. Two, it serves as a kind of warning to the person who created the unnecessary frame. This can be seen as placing a counter-frame on them, preventing their frame from functioning. Mentioning or questioning the other person is one of the most effective ways to avoid getting trapped in their frame.

• Giving It Back

A third way to stay free from others’ framing attempts is ‘giving it back.’

When someone tries to frame you, don’t feel obligated to respond within that frame. Just because you were asked a question or a frame was placed on you doesn’t mean you have to think and respond within it. Instead, make the other person realize their mistake by giving the frame back to them. This can sometimes be the most appropriate response and treatment. Here are some examples:

To someone unnecessarily criticizing your appearance, say, “Your appearance isn’t that great either.” To someone demeaning your abilities, say, “I doubt you could do better.” To someone criticizing your thoughts, say, “Your thoughts aren’t impressive either.” To someone who makes unfair judgments, say, “Making such careless judgments doesn’t get you good evaluations from me.” To someone showing unreasonable discrimination, say, “You seem to like this kind of discrimination. How would you feel if you were discriminated against like this?”

As some might have noticed, all these techniques are about ‘healthy defense.’ There’s no need to unnecessarily trap others in your frame or attack them unless it’s absolutely necessary. In fact, many people don’t intentionally attack others or impose their views on them.

The problem is that some people do. When that happens, use the perspectives and techniques mentioned in this text to respond appropriately. Don’t attack first, but don’t sit passively and take it either. Don’t unnecessarily become an easy target. This is the purpose of this text.

• If Necessary, Escape from Your Own Frame

At this point, there’s something important to keep in mind. Your own frame is just one of many perspectives. You need to realize this. Whether it’s yours or someone else’s, no frame is an absolute truth or the only truth. It’s beneficial to use it if it’s appropriate, useful, and necessary, but it’s equally beneficial to let it go if it’s not. Simply put, whether it’s your frame or someone else’s, it’s just a ‘way of thinking,’ not an absolute fact, an ultimate truth, or something that can’t be changed.

If you only reject others’ frames while holding your own as absolute, you are still stuck in the belief that ‘a frame is absolute truth.’ Even though it’s your frame and you value it, it’s still just a frame. You can’t erase the paint on your right hand with the paint on your left hand. You need to remove the paint from both hands. Frames are like that paint.

The frame is neither ‘me’ nor ‘not me.’ It’s about effectively using the identification between the frame and yourself. By recognizing what this phenomenon is, you can use it when needed and not use it when it’s not needed.

First, become free yourself, and then help others become free. Whether it’s you or others, don’t get trapped in the frames you’ve created. Actively use any frame as its master. This is a worthy goal. Using counter-questions and counter-framing should be for achieving this goal. Always remember that the goal is not to trap yourself or others in another frame but to enjoy ‘freedom from unnecessary frames’ together.