i was loved just because it’s easy

Photo by Gaelle Marcel on Unsplash

i don’t think my heartbreak comes from being unloved. if anything, i’ve been loved before. now, i think, my heartbreak comes from how easily people give up on me.

a few years ago, i was left by someone i thought i would spend forever with.

one night, we were talking and joking around as couples usually do. in the middle of the conversation, he said something that made me ask, “are we going to be together forever?” at that time, he froze. but, i didn’t think much of it. until one day, the way he looked at me was not the same anymore. he didn’t text me ‘sayang’ word again. he stopped saying ‘aku sayang kamu’ before going to sleep. he changed, and my feelings became confused. and then, he gave up on me, even though i had explained my real feelings about ours.

i explained that i didn’t mean to questioning our relationship as the way he thought. i was just asking, not doubting us. but, he took it as me not being sure about us.

and somehow, that became the reason he went back to his ex when she reached out to him again. he said she felt like something certain to him, someone he didn’t have to question anymore. and i was left behind, questioning everything.

he was the one who chased me in the beginning. but, the moment he found a small crack that didn’t match his expectation of me, he left without much hesitation.

maybe from the very beginning, i was never more than a “good” girl to him. once he said;

“you’re kind, patient, and always understanding me. but somehow, it’s hard for me to truly love you. the feeling has gone.”

just because i told him my heart.

as the time passes by, i tried to love again.

i met new people, until i met another him. we talked quite intensely. i knew about his families, as he knew mine. little routines that made it feel like something forming. but even in the middle of all that, i could feel it clearly. i was the one holding the thread.

replies that came one to three hours apart, conversations that stayed on the surface, no stories about his day. he didn’t really let me into his world. and i was asking for that. i started to wonder if there was even a place for me in it?

i was asking…. asking again, as if i existed strongly enough in his mind to be chosen? so i became the one who adjusted again.

i was the one who tried to understand. this is just his way.

until one day, i asked him something more real. and that was when it ended so easily. he said something breaks my heart, after delayed the reply for about a day;

“if you feel i’m not good like this, then just find someone else. maybe you’ll meet someone better later.”

it didn’t even feel like a fight. because i thanked to him, thanks for coming to my life. i am happy to know you. and he didn’t reply my message anymore.

this patterns hit me again.

as if my presence is valuable only as long as it’s convenient.

as if asking for emotional effort is already too much.

am i loved only when i am easy to keep?

and if love only stays when it doesn’t require too much effort, what exactly was it that i was being loved for?

or worse… what part of me keeps believing that love is something i have to stay quiet in, small in, careful in, just so it doesn’t leave? and if love has only ever survived when i made myself easier…

have i been experiencing love, or just practicing how to not be abandoned?

i am the one who always questioning the questions,

tanne