I Will Choose To Wait

Today while driving home from therapy I waited behind the bus when it stopped. Why don’t I do this more often? Why are all of these others cars in such a rush? Is there really not enough time to just wait for the bus to drop off passengers? For the first time in weeks I feel myself breath. Forever holding my breath waiting for the next heartbreak. Time continues to pass me by when I haven’t healed yet. Why is this fair? But in this moment I realize I’m alive. Despite dying last night I am alive. Despite dying last week I am alive. Despite dying when I was 14 I am alive. And I am happy to be alive waiting behind this bus. (3/25/26)

And now I remember why I hold my breath. Because I am destined for misfortune and pain. Heartbreak always comes when you let your guard down. One step forward 5 steps back. Why couldn’t I have laughed? I felt part of me die instead. Am I truly alive if patches of me are dead? One day I’ll let all of me die. But I still want to wait behind that bus Maybe I’ll die waiting (3/26/26)

Or maybe I’ll survive. A kiss A crash Love Misery In these moments, these elements feel certain. Unchanging, never passing. But time will continue to weave and sew together my story. I will choose to continue living even though death is easier. Take these moments to remember how fast things change. Cherish what you have and fondly remember what you have lost. Because that bus will be here again next week. And I will choose to wait (6/8/26)

Hi I’m back from the dead. This was written over the course of a few months. I generally let writings marinate in my notes app for a while, but I kept coming to this one. And I am once again back to post it as my mindset is more aligned with the second time stamp. Depressive episodes are a bitch! I see that bus after every therapy session still. Anyway more writing soon hopefully.