i’m a tidal wave of question marks and you’re just surfing.

“It isn’t working I’m a tidal wave of question marks And you’re just surfing Leaning into me like it’s an art.” — Dive, Olivia Dean

I woke up at around 7ish in the morning for a 5k run I impulsively signed up for the night before, checking my phone for notifications while I’m brushing my teeth to clear the little red numbers on the right side of messaging apps.

There’s one from you, but I was still a bit dazed and in a hurry to get out the door to really process it. It wasn’t anything big, just a simple “hey” sent only 5 minutes ago. As casual as if we’ve never lost contact for almost 2 months now, as simple to you as if I didn’t just spend said time crashing out and crying over your absence.

I went ahead with my morning run had the liberty to really chew on what it all means for me and what my next move should be in the 33 minutes it took me to finish the course. For one, I’m surprised you even chose to reach out. For another, I’m annoyed that you think this would work on me, but mainly annoyed at myself that my heart still wavered and had even a sliver of moment where I even considered trying to be friends again now that sufficient time has elapsed.

Jfc, I don’t know what spell this man has on me and why I’m so insistent on seeing him in any capacity even if it’s something as ludicrous as being friends after trying once and failing miserably at it. I hate that a well thought-out message from a guy trying to talk to me recently stirred up nothing whatsoever, yet a one-letter word from you with no substantial meaning behind it gets me ruminating on it for most of today.

I know what this is about for you, and I know I’m not up for it anymore hence didn’t and don’t plan to respond to you no matter how terrible I feel about ghosting people. I think this decision is going to eat me alive for a few days, but I knew if I engaged it would eat me back into that sinkhole I’ve only just crawled out of, fingernails scraped and clinging desperately onto any semblance of solid land.

I know I’ll probably hate myself more than I ever did if I betrayed the version of me that hurt so badly after you left. I know it’ll be the biggest form of betrayal to my friends that helped pull me up and build me back up bit by bit with their compassion and unconditional love.

Listening to Olivia Dean’s “Dive” made me realise that this dynamic has always been that way and it’s honestly so exhausting at times. I’m always that anxious overthinker psychoanalysing and ascribing meaning behind your words and actions while you’re just… there.

“Why would he message me out of the blue? Is it one of those moments when avoidants come back after having enough space to realise that they missed out on something special?”

“I wonder if this means he’s also suffering this whole time and misses my company too?”

“Would this be a good timing to ask him if he cancelled my monthly donations to RSPCA on my behalf?”

“Is he mulling over the fact that a whole day went by without me texting him back? Or is it just flying over his head right now as he’s getting ready for another typical night out with his mates, vying for another girl to replace me?”

I’m pretty sure he isn’t aware of the full extent of his effect on my scattering brain, and I’m pretty sure I think about him more than he thinks in general. I saw a post that said something along the lines of finding out what quality/traits you admire about them or are attracted to, then work on attaining it yourself.

I think the trait that initially attracted me to him was his nonchalant, type- B swagger that my personality could never embody. I always have to dig deeper into things and people, and even if they inherently have no deeper meaning beyond the surface, I enjoy ascribing something special to them regardless. As naive as it sounds, I see the best in people and hence would ponder for a long time whenever I’m done wrong by someone.

Long after it’s even relevant anymore, long after it has already dissipated from the other person’s mind. You’re probably just chilling and getting on with your life after sending that text, but that one casual second for you will linger in my mind with swirls of question marks floating around it for god knows how long as I try to decipher if I made the right decision, if people could change and if falling for the potential of something is ever worth it.

I guess that’s the difference between you and I, and I guess that’s why I won’t pick up the phone any longer.