[embed]And we wouldn’t have had to put the word “gate” in front of any of them.

Top Scandals We Could Have Had

The Happiness of Harris vs The Madness of Trump

She could have been the Dancing Queen…er….President. ABC13

As I look back on all the scandals of the Biden Administration, I’m realizing there really weren’t any scandals. No, really, think about it. There was the discovery that President Biden still had secret government papers that didn’t belong to him and he returned them. His son was prosecuted on weapons and tax charges, but that was his son and he always played the loving dad, being supportive, but not letting him off the hook. It was simply a time of quiet, competent leadership by a quiet, competent leader.

Which is to say….BORING!

Let’s take a minute to think about that. Governing was boring because it functioned like it was supposed to. The only real shit show in those days was on the Republicon side where they kicked up as much dirt as they could to keep Biden from accomplishing his goals to surprisingly little effect. Because Dark Brandon.

Compare that to now, five months in, when there’s a scandal almost every day. Troop movements being relayed over unsecured channels, people who were in charge of the nuclear arsenal getting fired, planes falling from the sky, dogs and cats living together….in sin.

It didn’t have to be that way, though. If only we’d elected Kamala Harris, things would have been different. I’m not saying there wouldn't have been scandals, they just would have been more fun. Here’s just a sampling of the things that would have set tongues wagging in a Harris Walz administration…

The Happy Clappy Scandal

Fox would have hated that the president looked like she was having a good time and wasn’t a grim-faced white guy. Billboard.

Fox News and the ‘Cons get very angry when they see how much Harris and Waltz laugh while governing the country, despite all the challenges facing them and their uphill battle to deliver on their campaign promises. The folks at Fox insist it’s because the administration doesn’t realize how bad things really are.

The Weirdo Backlash.

Tim Waltz campaign focusing on how weird Republicons are prompts ‘cons to turn the tables and launch a campaign showing how strange Dems are. The smear fizzles when Dems embrace their oddity, then point and laugh at a party that was weird enough to support Trump and Project 2025. They still hate that.

Wardrobe Malfunction.

If you thought MAGA went apoplectic when Obama wore a cream colored suit, you can only imagine how nuts they went when Harris showed up in this outfit. The Statesman.

Cons laugh at Harris colorful wardrobe, calling it unpresidential until a Trump tell-all reveals that he not only never changed his look, he never changed his suit.

Dementia Detailed.

Jake Tapper writes book claiming press failed to cover the declining mental health of the former president. Pundits complain Tapper waited to profit off his insider knowledge when the rapidly advancing dementia was already apparent during the presidential debate he hosted. While Biden appeared ill, Trump’s rantings about things that hadn’t happened made it clear he was slipping. Trump supporters say the debate proved Biden had already lost it. Even if Biden was off, Dems compare the successes of his presidency to Trump’s failures to prove that Joe hired “only the best people” and had the good sense to get out of the race. Trump responded by ranting about trophy wives, DEI and his big wonderful bill…no, wait that’s the speech he said he would have given at West Point, if he’d been president.

It’s Raining Planes.

There wouldn’t have been an airplane helicopter crash over DC, of course, because no secretary of defense in his right mind would have scheduled maneuvers over DC at night, but given the stress the system in Newark is under, a crash was bound to happen at some point. Harris would have responded by taking the unusual approach of spending more money and hiring more air traffic controllers instead of Trump’s approach of firing even more FAA employees.

Too Much Hope.

Republicons become incensed when home buyer subsidies and cancellation of student loan interest debt not only gives people more free time, it encourages many of them to run against entrenched Republicon lawmakers and win. Worse, it actually makes many people happy. And cranky ‘cons (slogan: No You Can’t) hate that.

Back On The Chain Gang.

You can tell the people on this chain gang used to be Republicons in the House, Senate and on K Street by their shiny shoes. Dems wear sneakers. Salon.com

Investigations into January 6th insurrection continue eventually tracing their way back to many ‘Con Congresspersons and Senators and Dementia J. “No Collusion” Trump. Arrests follow. Although Trump’s resounding landslide loss brings on the onset of full on dementia, a brief brouhaha breaks out when Harris refuses to intervene on a humanitarian basis when Trump is found guilty of insurrection and other charges and imprisoned for life. Fox and the few remaining Republicons howl. Trump also howls, but it later turns out the addled former president was merely barking at the moon.

Indicting A Ham Sandwich.

Photos of First Husband Doug Emhoff appearing to eat a ham sandwich during Yom Kippur inflame Jews across the globe until further investigation proves that the photo was doctored. Not only doesn’t he have an MS-13 tattoo on his knuckles, but he wasn’t eating ham, he was eating Tofurkey.

This is what we could have had, America.

Oh well, better luck next time.

If there is a next time.

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