I’ve Got This Thing, Where I Always Need to be Right

Tales from a narcissist’s daughter

photo from google

Three years ago I was able to move out. Shortly after I flew the nest that I read about Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs. What a treat! It’s a pyramid that outlines from bottom to top, what all humans need. Sounds too good to be true.

For the last several hundred years, humans have fought and killed each other over books. Different variations of the same book. Some people from Europe decided a man was given this book by a voice in the sky, and this book was the right one to determine how to live. Turns out, it was just some book written by some dude. All of them. That’s all any of them are.

Either way, the entire premise of this nameless, best-seller is telling us out to live. To not only ensure your life is good, but your afterlife will be good too. You need to be able to tolerate the purgatory-like hell you live in every day and after that as well.

It’s a product whose returns have remained immeasurable, and no one thinks that’s weird.

Anyways, turns out all the books were wrong at worst, and at best useless. We have the answer. Maslow’s been God all long. It’s in this pyramid of needs.

The first time I saw the pyramid I thought, it started with ‘Psychological’ Needs. It’s physiological, but misreading it as psychological was important for me. Though I’d misread, these are incredibly important. And not mutually exclusive. What struck me about it is that it includes: Food, Water, Warmth and Rest. These really are psychological needs.

We need to do these things for the most basic function of our bodies. The basics for our physiological needs are exactly the same as our psychological needs. Just, the basics.

I’ve been going to therapy for a very long time. It’s been almost 10 years. And, at the ten-year point, you start to wonder if you’re just irreversibly broken. If you’re just too big a smorgasbord of issues to even be worth it. If it’s this expensive to heal maybe I’ll just take out the life insurance and call it a day?

However, I’d been in and out of therapy for a long time, but nothing else in my life changed until I’d left the lion’s den.

Imagine living with a lion. A lion that is slightly more hospitable to other lions, especially in the presence of the company. Put yourself there, really do. I’m not talking about a lion in a zoo, but a lion in a place it’s meant to be. Imagine yourself in a jungle. A beautiful lush jungle. You have a house. And you’re not a lion. You’re a person. Stay in the fantasy. You’re living with this lion, who’s able to communicate, but is still a lion.

You’re not yourself. You can’t be. You’re walking on eggshells, not to wake it. Because you can’t predict when a lion is going to remember it’s a lion. Your mood can only depend on theirs. If the lion’s in a bad mood, you’re on high alert to stay away. If it’s in a good mood, you make sure you do everything in your power not to provoke it. Because their anger is going to become your death.

I couldn’t heal my fears in the presence of a lion. You’ve got it. The next thing on the pyramid is safety. These include health, money, a place to live, income, and security.

Your economic needs.

It’s weird to me how much weight we place on family. These are just some people. But staying with my mom felt like the most important thing in my life. Because we’ve kind of been told that relationship with your family is. You have to have it, or you’ll have no one to depend on.

Maslow disagrees. He said food, safety and security come first. And, that’s when I realized I couldn't have both. Before we get to the point of relationships Maslow says to secure your basics. And you can’t ever have security in a lion's den.

My therapist later explained to me what narcissistic traits look like. And, how we work in orbit with narcissism. How we make it orbit us. It’s just a thing where she’ll always need to be right. And, that’s all there is to it. Narcissism is just feeling like I’ve got this thing where I always need to be right.

Next comes belonging. Relationships. The insidious part about living with a narcissist is you’ve had no time to self-develop. You leave that lion’s den with no sense of self. You’ve never had the time to develop a personality when you’ve been in survival mode. When you’ve been managing the emotions of a lion for your entire life.

So, really, the first relationship you need to figure out is the one with yourself. Who are you, and what do you like? What do you care about? What matters to you?

I’ve not made it any farther up the pyramid. It’s a lot to unpack. I’m not sure if the top of the pyramid is achievable in this climate. How’s anyone supposed to do that? But, I think I’ll be able to at least get close. Because, if there’s one thing you learn from a narcissist is to never lose. Never be wrong. Never doubt yourself.

So, hell, maybe I’ll figure it out. Maybe, I also have this thing where I always need to be right.

If you’d like to support me, and my writing, and get some additional content, please subscribe to my substack!

[embed]Everything Sucks In Your 20s | Simmy | Substack Okay, maybe not everything. Click to read Everything Sucks In Your 20s, by Simmy, a Substack publication. Launched 3…lesimmy.substack.com

If you’d like to have access to unlimited stories, support my Reeces habit, and writers on this platform, sign up for a membership with my referral link!

[embed]Join Medium with my referral link — Lena As a Medium member, a portion of your membership fee goes to writers you read, and you get full access to every story…lenasimons.medium.com\