so bad that i miss her

I care enough to feel so much ache.

I learned that when my heart broke for you. I learned that when my eyes weeped. I learned that when I mourned your disappearance in my life.

I learned that when instead of getting rid of the trigger, I felt it being pulled when I got rid of you.

No one took care of me like the way you did. No one before you and after you, there’s just you.

Losing you was a big turning point. A part of me felt relieved that I no longer need to put up with disrespect, but a big portion of my soul felt cold and sad that I’ll be alone.

You saw versions of me before I became who I am today. You were with me before I found myself. Yet finding myself felt like losing my way in life because you weren’t there.

And I was never myself again.

During my toughest days, I have forgotten that we were once friends in this lifetime. I thought it meant I’ve finally healed because I no longer see your relevance.

I thought it’s the way things should be. You hurt me, and I let you go, so there’s no point in dwelling on our dead friendship.

But life is so difficult now. So bad that I miss you.

Strangely, I find myself associating my sadness with my loss of what we had before. It pains me to remember you now. And it’s so odd because for so long I thought I’m fine.

I hate that I’m starting to wonder what you would’ve done for me if you knew how the world treated me. I wonder how you would’ve protected me if you stayed in my life and watched me fall apart.

You cared a lot for me that you forgot to respect me by meddling way too much. I hated you for that.

But what I hate more is that I know you would’ve shielded me from everyone that threw daggers at me.

I wish you understood more how much I loved you before you decided to ruin the connection we shared that I could never have with anyone. I hope you felt that I loved you that much to feel so hurt.

I cared enough to feel so much ache.

And I miss you, but I’ll never act on it. I miss you, but I’ll only say it.

I do miss you. My heart says so, but my ego says no.