DOGS | GUIDE DOG LIFE | FUN

How to Score Free Stuff, by Guide Dog Cooper

The dog’s step-by-step guide to getting things with little or no effort

Photo by Elena Mozhvilo on Unsplash

Dear fellow canines, have you been scratching your ears trying to come up with ways to get your way?

My name is Cooper, and I’ve been a guide dog since 2018, which means I’ve had time to practice my communicating-with-humans skills.

So, set your tendencies for clowning around aside for a few minutes and pay attention. I’m about to give you free advice on getting your favourite things at random times with very little effort.

First, how to get extra playtime

Dogs started practicing their cuteness skills when they were puppies; you’ve probably noticed that puppies have an easy time getting things.

You can still be cute when you’re an old dog; the secret is eye contact.

Here’s what I do. To score extra playtime, I place my chin on Patricia’s knee. If I wait until she’s involved in a book or TV, I could miss my chance, so I get her when she’s just sat down.

If she doesn’t respond, I press down with my chin.

Humans ask the dumbest questions, like, What do you want, Cooper? as though they expect me to say something.

I gaze into her eyes until she asks if I want to play. Do you want to play? she asks. That’s it! I wag my tail and lick her face, then run and get a toy, and we play.

Remember, maintaining eye contact is key, and press down if necessary.

My backup plan

I have a Plan B —it’s the heavy sigh.

Start practicing this as a pup by exhaling slowly while flopping down to the floor. The larger you get, the better the heavy sigh will sound — it gets her almost every time.

Getting an extra walk

Pat and I have our daily walk around the lake in the morning, but if I want another walk in the evening, I carry the leash to her. That way, there’s no guesswork on her part, and chances are, I’ll get a second walk.

Image by author — Cooper pressing his chin on my knee

How to be an opportunist

Another skill to learn at an early age is how to be an opportunist; it can be helpful in a pinch. Let me explain.

I have two cats for housemates, Buddy and Zoey, and when they’re hungry, Zoey is noisy about it.

I picked up this skill from Buddy, who lets Zoey do the heavy lifting while he waits near his dish. When Zoey has complained for a minute or two, Pat will put food into her dish to shut her up. She never forgets Buddy.

I wait till she’s placed the food container back in the cupboard, and then — there I am, sitting right there looking handsome.

Without fail, she’ll say, I didn’t forget you, Cooper, and give me some miniature dog biscuits. I love those things!

The key is being right there, ready to make her feel guilty about giving food to the cats, and because you’re not noisy about it, you’ll get extra.

How do I know I actually got extra? Because she says, Here’s a couple extra for not being noisy about it.

How to cleverly score an additional meal

This skill comes in handy at the mall, and I know where the food courts are in every mall.

How could I possibly know, you might ask?

We dogs pride ourselves on our keen sense of smell.

When we’re at the mall, my default, if Pat doesn’t say go left or go right, is toward the food court.

If she shows no sign of walking in that direction, I’ll walk slowly past the popcorn kiosk or the chocolate shops. It’s not that I want popcorn or chocolate, but once she gets the smell of delicious things in her nose, it doesn’t take long, and she’ll say, Cooper, let’s get some lunch. Success!

How to obtain tummy rubs and scratches

This one’s easy.

Just lie upside down in the middle of the floor or the grass, and act like a puppy. Apparently, the bigger you are, the funnier it is, and you’ll always get the tummy rubs and ear scratches that give us joyous chills.

Masterfully snagging free treats

When we’re out, on our way somewhere, Pat always has treats in her pocket.

She uses them to take my attention off distractions, like other dogs or a cat crossing our path.

The thing about it is this: I may not even be interested in the other dog or cat, but if I look in their direction longingly, she’s ready with a treat.

So all I do is look, and voila! There it is, practically zero effort.

How to sleep on your human’s bed

This one is important if you’re in Canada; our winters get to minus-ridiculous temps, I kid you not.

You’ve got to look like a foot warmer. To do this, I make sure the throw blanket Pat keeps on the end of the bed is nowhere to be found. So, I pull it down and drag it to another room.

When she says, Where’s that throw blanket? That’s my cue to jump onto the bed, landing squarely on her feet. It works every time.

That’s all I’ve got for now, but I’ll get back to you!

Yours truly,

Cooper

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