I’m Experimenting With The Bearded Lady Look

It would make life so much easier

Just experimenting with an idea (photos by author)

Ever wondered why so many men grow beards after retirement? Celebrities like David Letterman and Jon Stewart, men I see around the village. Even the one who lives in the garret with me.

Clean-shaven when I met him six years ago, he now sports a full beard.

Then and Now

So why, I asked him, do so many men of a certain age prefer hirsute chins?

His response: “Shaving every day was a drag. One more thing I don’t have to do now.”

Exactly. But here’s another question. Why do older women develop chin whiskers and moustaches?

My response: Because life isn’t fair.

This morning, my partner gazed at me with what I thought was rapt and loving admiration. I was wrong.

“You need to do something about your chin hair,” he said.

“I just plucked the damn stuff three days ago,” I said.

“You probably need to do it every day,” he said.

This from a guy who gave up daily shaves because they were a drag. You’d think he’d have a little sympathy. I should have said, “But I have more important things to do like vacuuming and attacking cobwebs.” He’d have laughed hysterically.

But deforesting my chin is not only a drag, it’s an assault on my vanity. Standing at a sunlit window and gazing into a magnifying mirror as fine lines become deep trenches and wrinkles veritable canyons. Magnifying mirrors are cruel.

So here’s an idea. Let’s encourage some female trendsetters — elderly celebrity types like Judy Dench or Jane Fonda — to quit getting facelifts and grow beards instead.

A long luxurious beard would even cover the wrinkled necks that seem to defy the most extreme sort of plastic surgery. Beards could be dyed to match or contrast hair colour, decorated with sequins or tiny bows. The possibilities are endless.

C’mon, who’s ready to start the trend? Let’s call it, Beards for Broads (who have better things to do than pluck chinhairs).