All the Big Fights, with Ateneo.

Ateneo de Manila University was neither my first nor most logical choice, and to this day, I wonder if I made the right decision. But like with all the the other commitments I am bound to in life, I am tasked with the light yet nearly-impossible mission of learning how to love it — even when it is initially difficult.

Freshman year pushed me a quarter closer to that goal.

The best, of the best, of the best.

Other people are burdened by the predicament between “wrong university” or “wrong program,” and despite having all the resources to choose what I want, I find myself resenting how “wrong” I was for both variables when I settled with what could be considered the best of the best.

The BS Management (Honors) program in Ateneo de Manila University is a noble pursuit when stationed beside a list of socially-determined parameters to measure what careers can make you “successful” in life. Only the top 15% of ACET qualifiers can be entertained into the program, further polishing the already-rigorous admissions process. While it is already difficult to enter, it would be exponentially harder to stay; we couldn’t have a QPI lower than 2.8 and all major subjects would necessitate a B or above for retention. No withdrawals. No failures. For other programs, C’s do get degrees, but in this one, C’s are a mortal sin.

Arguably, I would be in the same room with the best, of the best, of the best. I would not be merely accepted, but chosen to be part of THE Ateneo. What more could I ask for?

Besides, the ACET was the only entrance exam I took — further illustrating the privilege I had when it came to deciding my fate for college. I was already a Senior High School student in De La Salle University, which granted me the opportunity to enter my program of choice without having to sit through the admissions test. There, I was slated to be a student in BS Applied Corporate Management (another exclusive path), with credited subjects, familiar campus culture, and friends who all chose to stay homegrown and green.

This was the first dilemma: I was torn between two equally prestigious paths, both the best of the best of the best in their own ways.

Everything would’ve easily worked in my favor if I stayed in La Salle. But as a haphazard last-minute decision, I dove headfirst and believed that the Ateneo had better things in store.

Then, came the quiet.

Most days, I felt like a fraud. Not because I felt unaccomplished, but because I saw that I was not accomplishing anything.

I can blame the new environment all I want — the heat of poorly-ventilated classrooms, the depressing city life, the lonely walks, the dreadful schedules, the hunger games for grades, the dreadful enlistment season, and everything in-between — but I know the truth. I chalk it down to me.

In the first year of college, I did not make many friends. I only associated myself around peers in the program: a total of 16 students, if all of us can even make it to the end. I also swore off student organizations due to burnout from the past two years. In DLSU, I was simultaneously part of the executive board for the School Newspaper, the Student Council, and the League of Student Clubs and Organizations. My mind was always wrestling between competitions, events, deadlines, and social commitments. I had enough of it. Especially since my last day in school was less than a week away from my first day in college.

Perhaps I was not ready? Perhaps I did not build enough excitement for myself? If I looked forward to choosing Ateneo, if I prepared myself mentally beyond a week, would I have liked it here better? Those were other considerations I made when I depressingly pondered on my steep decline.

I do not go to parties. I rarely went out. I spent my weekends in my home province, sleeping and snacking. I’m just not the type of person to be tempted by the smoke, the booze, or the loud noises — but sometimes I wished that I was. Maybe it would’ve been the antidote to my loneliness.

Then, came the quiet.

As it turns out, peace of mind is not granted by an empty to-do list. When you void yourself from responsibilities and replace the noise with silence, the first thing your brain does is compensate with all the worries you repressed when you were busy. I had it all, then I gave it up. And who am I without it all?

The Magic of Magis.

In Ateneo, I formally focused on my studies. With nothing else to consider and every resource at my disposal, I dove into reaching the B or above requirement. This is when I learned how to fall in love with the art of studying… and learning.

This is the edge that Ateneo can provide, and I can guarantee it myself: professors who teach. Learning can be transformative when you are equipped with the right mentors, and I’m relieved that I am guided by industry experts who don’t think it’s beyond themselves to stoop to my level and meet me where I am, intellectually.

All professors are strange and quirky, and that is part of their charm.

Ateneo professors are sharp, they don’t grade as kindly, they don’t move assessments without proper reason, and they do test you in a way that challenges your devotion to magis. Of course, when you are the best of the best of the best, the best is also expected from you. There is a reason behind everything you do. You cannot brush past a class in one semester without it biting you back in the next units you take. Everything is foundational. Everything is done with a level of precision I was not exposed to in previous schools.

It was harder for me to integrate myself in a test-based environment, because I was used to DLSU’s research-based education. Though outputs could meaningfully contribute to my learning, ADMU’s penchant for quizzes directly challenged my learned skill of yapping and BS-ing my requirements. This time, I actually had to learn it by heart, front, back, and center.

Being in the honors program surrounded me with highly-motivated characters. People who are committed to staying, and therefore committed to learning the ropes. It was fascinating to see that a class full of A-level people were not warring, but instead, lifting up one another. They do say that one of the things you’d have to deal with in college is the abundance of freeloaders, but I’m lucky enough to have circumnavigated that. Nobody is a freeloader if everyone has to prove themselves.

One thing I’ve had to come to terms with is failure. I’ve always been scared of being kicked out my program if I don’t meet the criteria, but I think I’ve experienced enough scares to numb me from that threat. The “worst” thing that could happen is that I shift to regular Management and still graduate on time, just without the H. It’s a good thing. It’s just as noble. I’m still in a good university. I’m still learning. There’s still more to explore beyond staying in a room that I am no longer welcome in.

There’s a certain magic to magis — it invites you to do better, but you don’t always have to be the best.

The question of whether or not Ateneo is the right school for me simply does not exist. There is no “right” path, only the “chosen” path. I guess, for the next three years, my tolerance can grow further into love.

I am in a great position of privilege to worry about this. To worry about an opportunity I know others would love to have. To be troubled by my competence and not my survival.

Freshman year was one and done. Onto the next.