I feel empty…

Numb

I feel numb, blank, flat, empty. I don’t know why. I have everything that I need and want, I have loving and kind fun friends. I am physically healthy (I think). I am financially healthy. I have an amazing job when Spirit just shuttered down without any warning to their employees. I have a home and I pay my rent on time and on my own. I have a reliable car that I own and I am paying off. I am paying off credit cards and I have a savings account. I don’t know why I feel empty and tired of trying.

When I dream of something or have a goal and actively work towards that goal, I feel a sense of empowerment and purpose. I wanted to go to school and get my pta. I wanted to help people. I wanted to empower others. I wanted to write a book of poems and devotions. I wanted to buy a house here in Baltimore.

I don’t want to pursue my pta anymore. I don’t want to buy a house anymore. I don’t necessarily want to help people anymore bc I feel hopeless and how can I possibly help anyone when I need help. I don’t feel empowered or motivated. I don’t feel strong. I feel so empty!!!!

I want to feel something and my mind has been going back to old methods that are really self sabotaging but that’s how much I want to feel. To cry, to lose it, to love, to laugh (authentically). I just feel like I’m just here. I miss crying. I miss feeling my emotions so deeply and understanding what I was feeling.

I feel like what’s the point. I don’t have a goal or anything to look forward to. I wish I could feel something. I wish I could cry. I wish it didn’t take so much work to feel.

I feel tired of trying to figure out what’s wrong or why I feel empty. I’m tired of trying to follow a wellness plan, I’m tired of journaling my feelings, I’m tired of working out and eating healthy. I’m tired of trying bc every time I try I fail.

I should be grateful for everyone and everything in my life. And I use to but idk why I lost that zeal and faith. Idk what happened to my faith. God I still believe in you but I also feel so fucking lost!!!!!!!!