Broken Beginnings

LITTLE SWEET NOBODY

A reflection

Image by Mr.Nobody

How I got my name, Mr. Nobody 😌

I love you, my son.

Forgive me, my beautiful boy, a debt I can never repay, no matter what the cost. Such an unfair beginning that can never be healed or undone for all involved. May we take what is dealt with by the judgment of our Father, for any price is never enough.

I was around sixteen years old. My girlfriend was not quite 14 years old. After this experience, our hearts were ruined forevermore. She got pregnant. Together, we went to a place that helped young people in this situation to get set up to raise their child.

I had my own apartment and worked hard as an equipment operator. Being on my own was natural. Not having an education was nothing to me. Things seemed possible as we pretended our future together. We left things going too long. She was looking pregnant after our prolonged denial

We told her mom she was close to five and a half months along through the pregnancy; in the worst world, I already knew the outcome. We were to be punished for being human, a curse I should have never allowed her to be part of me, for I was cursed at birth, a wretched bloodline that has taken all its power and diminished itself into nothingness, destroying everything I ever thought I could be. The hand of God’s greatness protected so much somehow, holding me comforting, teaching all around my tears, my painted scars are, but a map on my face, and ones I now love with us as family here and beyond know🙏 See in the mid 1970’s they still did abortion till five and a half months in the states was 6 months. Oh my God, forgive us in this world 🌎. Her mother wasted no time in killing our baby. I felt powerless, like that, our souls were handed to us, young kids with hands covered in blood. I would look at my hands and cry for hours for our baby. When I arrived at the hospital, her mom was nowhere in sight. I had brought her a bouquet of roses, a coward’s way to find some kind of forgiveness, where I left my beliefs, I could fix the beginning before the ending.

My girlfriend was in a hospital bed. They had put a needle into our baby’s head with poison. For seventeen hours, the baby struggled, squirming. I could only keep my hand on her belly as we cried till we had no more tears, then we bled to death together with our hearts. Dead baby walking, cradled in Jesus’s arms. I had to leave when she gave birth 😪 when I entered the room. The darkness intercepted my spirit and showed me I am nothing. I am from nowhere. I often feel that I can only bring pain, no matter who I am or where I am. At times, it seems like I’ve carried a debt since birth that I can’t repay. She was torn to pieces. There was no way back; we were lost before life began. Life must still be hard for that poor girl.

She said he was a cute, beautiful boy, all pink, probably from burning within from the poison.

All the cracks in every glass I could ever jump through could not cut me as deeply.

Sometimes, in life, we ask forgiveness, but we don’t deserve it. Forevers Stain.

Within a few years, I began having dreams and being woken by children laughing, bolting me awake. The young boy was always around the same age as my son would have been. I loved my little nobody coming over the years, growing from a place I should be with him.

After a couple of decades with my boy growing up in my dreams, and when he could touch God and me aloud, me to feel him on my skin.

I had a dream one night. Everything was black and blue, like an eclipse I experienced once through time, when the wind slipped into everything around everywhere, a darkness and a blue tinge I could not even explain.

I stood in front of two great big Rotweilers ready to rip me to pieces. I felt they were about to, no dream 💔 😪 the dark, the color blue in woods with no leaves, to my right an abandoned school, a big field surrounded by woods, I remember this as if it was in front of me as I write now.

Then, more fear than I ever felt on my hands and knees as a child, begging no more.

To my left, I see a young man with a long ponytail sitting in a tree, I turn to him and cry more than I could ever cry awake and say I am so sorry my son please forgive me, I was so ashamed, I was so proud of my son he said it’s not so bad here Dad and jumped out of the tree like a super hero, I can actually feel his breeze as he past by running into the field with the mad dogs chasing him like he was playing with them, and ran into the woods with the dogs chasing him.

He never ever showed up again. I miss him so much. He is my SWEET LITTLE NOBODY, and I am his Dad, MR.NOBODY

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New Literary Society