Raja Betas no more

(Note: Don’t expect my regular writing style here. I wrote this for my daughter’s school, and I had to be slightly more formal than my usual tone. If the school’s editors like this, an edited version of this may appear in her school’s newsletters or other such medium).

Fatherhood isn’t what it used to be — It is a journey, a challenge, and sometimes, as you will know, a comedy of errors. Especially for those fathers in their 30s and early 40s who likely grew up pampered by the women in their household (or pejoratively, who grew up as “raja betas”).

Gone are the days when fathers were merely distant figures who brought home the paycheck and dispensed occasional wisdom (and discipline) from their throne-like armchairs, when they aren’t busy reading newspapers or watching news on TV. Today’s urban Indian fathers are navigating a complex landscape of expectations, emotions, and evolving social norms — a journey that’s equal parts challenging and exciting.

(Picture generated by ChatGPT)

From Patriarchs to Partners

Historically, the role of a father in our culture was about being the patriarch — the unquestioned head of the family whose word was (almost) law. Emotional nurturing? Well, that was firmly in the mother’s domain. Fathers were expected to be stoic, strong, and somewhat emotionally distant — arguably, a living embodiment of what we might today consider as toxic masculinity. Back in the earliest days, some anthropologists say, children were seen as unpaid workforce by their fathers as extra hands to till the land, tend to cattle, or support the family business. From there, to having children as insurance for old age, to the “we two; ours two” age of one for the wealth (aka boy) and one for the love (aka girl), to the single child norm of the day, we have come a long way. A child is no longer an economic investment, but an emotional one — requiring unprecedented emotional and financial commitment. A newer generation of urban couples have moved on from having a “pet child” to considering “pet as a child”, but that’s for another day.

In this broader societal change, the role fathers play has undergone seismic shifts. Indian fathers, in particular, regularly wrestle with cultural norms that equate masculinity with being tough and unemotional. Toxic masculinity still whispers, “Don’t cry,” or “Be the strong one.” Yet, today’s dads are redefining these notions, embracing softer, more involved approaches. Or at least attempt to, in my personal case. This isn’t just a demographic shift. It reflects deeper changes in economic realities, urban lifestyle constraints, and evolving value systems (hello, Woke-ism and DEI), and personal aspirations.

Metamorphosis of motherhood & the family ecosystem

The evolution of a father’s role is deeply connected to the changing role of mothers. From ancient times, women’s primary role was caregiving — gathering food and raising children. As societies evolved, they became homemakers, ensuring the family’s well-being while men worked outside. However, the modern urban Indian mother is typically a high-powered professional even while being a nurturing parent. This evolution has created space for fathers to step up, to be more than just occasional caregivers. It’s no longer about ‘helping’ with childcare, but about genuine co-parenting. In my own workplace, two mothers (one in Bangalore, and one in London), recently mentioned that it was their husbands who were the primary caregivers for their kids. Hearing those, I felt like an imposter (or worse, hypocrite) at home, wondering if I am big in talking these things, but actually practice a form of patriarchy myself. More on this dilemma later.

Another element of this change is the shrinking family ecosystem. Nuclear families have dramatically reshaped parenting landscapes. Where joint families once provided a cushion of grand parental support, urban families now often rely on nannies, daycare centers, or definitely technology (hello, iPad). The wisdom of grandparents — once an intrinsic part of child-rearing — has been replaced by professional caregivers and digital parenting guides. While nannies do what they do, for the rest, urban Indian fathers are stepping in. The transition isn’t an easy one, but as we see next, they are diving in fully committed.

Embracing the new fatherhood

For urban Indian fathers, this new way of parenting means breaking generational patterns of emotional unavailability. It means understanding that vulnerability isn’t weakness, that changing diapers doesn’t diminish masculinity, and that emotional connection is as crucial as financial provision. With parenting skills, I have myself struggled to contain both the nature (of how men are — probably — wired genetically) and the nurture (of having raised in an Indian family steeped in tradition).

We are no more the Indian males defined in the books of Sudhir Kakar. We now take to “penguin parenting,” a style inspired by how male penguins care for their young, often taking turns to nurture and protect them. Many urban fathers are now taking paternity leave (fortunately aided by their employers with paid leave), showing up for school events, and even learning to braid their daughters’ hair — all once considered the mother’s domain. They’re not just “Sunday dads” anymore, content with playtime and weekend outings. They’re changing diapers, cooking meals, and ensuring their children feel heard and loved.

Yet, the journey isn’t without its challenges. I have myself experienced that balancing work, parenting, and societal expectations from across the spectrum of your life’s stakeholders can be overwhelming. Fathers often lack the peer support that mothers have through “mom groups” or communities. We as a society are only beginning to recognize and celebrate the active, engaged father. The Indian father is a work in progress — part traditional, part progressive, always learning. He’s rewriting the script of fatherhood.

The biggest challenge personally (and something I didn’t expect), though, was with changing the conditioning about parenting in both our minds — my wife and me, and that our parenting style was going to be different from how we grew up. And what our friends, family, and domestic help think and judge, was immaterial. Like the saying that it is women who often indulge in “male gaze”, it is again women who typically indulge in defining the parenting roles of fathers and mothers, and comment when it isn’t conforming to their views. This causes awkwardness to the fathers, and guilt in mothers. Depending on which group of people are around us (and their unstated philosophies of life), one of us feel uneasy, wondering if she will be seen as shirking her parenting responsibilities and passing them to me; or me seen as imposing patriarchy even in this day and age.

I read a long time ago a mental model that stuck with me. I am paraphrasing it here, but the message was: Forcing women to stay at home was patriarchy. Requiring women to go out and be gainfully employed was also patriarchy. Women choosing to do what they prefer is the true emancipation for them. Applying this to parenting, I try to not slip into the second part, where I forcefully take up parenting responsibilities that my wife genuinely prefers doing. The line between “being helpful” and “being seen as helpful” is rather thin.

At the end of the day, this isn’t just about parenting — it’s about humanity evolving, one family at a time. Here’s to the dads who show up, step up, and redefine the rules of parenting — one bedtime story, one school pickup, one heart-to-heart conversation at a time.

Thanks to my wife and the “Parents Connects” members of Inventure Academy for reading drafts of this, and offering valuable feedback. And to Claude & ChatGPT for being great aides.