My Commencement Address and Response to Serena Williams

The right and wrong way to respond to Harrison Butker.

Photo by Jasmine Coro on Unsplash

Serena and Venus Williams, along with Quinta Brunson, had something to say about Harrison Butker’s controversial commencement address at Thursday night’s Espy Awards.

“So, go ahead and enjoy women’s sports like you would any other sports, because they are sports.” — Venus Williams

“Except you, Harrison Butker. We don’t need you.” — Serena Williams

“At all. Like, ever.” — Quinta Brunson

-Posted on X.com by Awful Announcing.

https://x.com/awfulannouncing/status/1811585393973956933

I understand their sentiment, but that was not the best approach. This kind of response was a lost opportunity. If they wanted to address Butker’s comments, they should have invited him to watch. Let him see women who excel at their chosen profession. And remind him that many of these women are themselves wives and mothers. They are examples how women can have both families and careers. If some women choose homemaker as their career, that’s fine. But they don’t have to choose one or the other. They can do both.

I’m bringing it up because ever since that speech, I’ve thought about what I would want to say if I gave a commencement speech at Benedictine College. I thought the female Benedictine graduates deserved something more respectful of both their accomplishments and their aspirations. So here’s my effort in that cause.

Post-Butker

For the women graduates of Benedictine College, since you did not get the best advice from your commencement speaker, I’d like to try to rectify it, if only a little. Whether you want to get married or not, whether you want to have children or not, whether you want a career or not, that is between you, your conscience, and your spouse if one is involved. This country was founded on certain ideals, and among them is that everyone has the right to their own pursuit of happiness. Whatever that looks like for you is your business.

Since this is a Catholic school, I also figure it is important for you to live a life that is pleasing to God. Jesus said what is necessary to live a life pleasing to God is to love your neighbor as yourself. You can do that whether you are a wife with kids, a wife with no kids, or single. You can do that whether you choose to have a family, a career, or both. Because in case you forgot, you can do both. Men do both all the time, and no one ever questions it. Why do they think women can’t do both? Like one of my friends at church said, “Why would God give me the same mind as a man and then tell me not to use it?”

But the woman stays home, so the man can work. If both of them work, who will take care of the kids?

They both will. Like my mother and father did. Like most of your parents did. And like Harrison Butker’s mom did, by the way. Am I the only one who sees the irony of that? His mother had a demanding career as a medical physicist — still does — because apparently she believed the diabolical lie that she could have a family AND a career, and somehow she managed to raise both Harrison and his sister into happy, healthy, and productive adults. Maybe we should all follow the diabolical lies he told us not to believe.

But there is a vocal minority in this country that wants women to believe they have to choose either family or career. So what I want you to hear from me is this. If anyone says, “Because you are a woman, this is what God ordained you to do,” you don’t have to accept it. Whatever your family looks like, whatever your pursuit of happiness looks like, don’t ever let anyone make you feel guilty for it, especially some rich white man who knows nothing about you or your life.

My Journey

Now, I must say congratulations on arriving at this point. You set out to earn a degree, and you succeeded. I imagine whatever field of study you took on, you chose it for a reason. And you expect to put this degree to use at a professional level. Don’t ever let anyone tell you there is anything wrong with that.

Some of you might feel a strong calling to do something specific. Some of you might still be wondering what God wants you to do with your life. The former group may not need any advice in that regard, but for the latter, I wish I could give you a magic formula to know what that is. Maybe that’s why the tradwife movement has gained traction. It is easier to let someone else define your God-given purpose (wife, mother, homemaker) than to have to figure it out for yourself. But I will offer you a few tidbits of wisdom I have picked up in my nearly half a century of trying earnestly to follow Jesus.

I will start with something my wife said to a young lady who asked her what she should do. “Whatever it is your heart believes you are called to do, do it.”

That is how I became a writer. I think I was a senior in college, or maybe recently graduated. I was praying pretty intensely for God to show me what God wanted me to do with my life. Then something stirred in me. I grabbed a pen and notebook, and this story just poured out of me. I didn’t have to think at all. Something just guided my hand to write. It was a story based on the woman who anointed Jesus’ feet, Luke 7:36–50 if you want to look it up. I was an avid student of the Bible, and I still am. It was inevitable that it come out somehow, and writing turned out to be the best vehicle for me. When I was finished, I looked at it, and it was the most perfect thing I had ever created. In my heart at that moment, I knew I had to be a writer. Even though I never found a publisher for it, I kept writing as ideas came to me.

In 2015, I began a blog. It started as random thoughts. But I noticed that themes of connection between religion and mental health kept coming up. In 2019, I collected some of those blog posts into a book that I self-published called Dark Nights of the Soul: Reflections on Faith and the Depressed Brain. You see, I was diagnosed with clinical depression in 2000. It shocked me because in my mind that wasn’t supposed to happen. You can’t be depressed if you’re a Christian. You might get down, but you don’t stay down. Or my personal “favorite,” “You can tell someone is a Christian by the smile on their face.” That’s a diabolical lie that we need to leave in the dustbin of history.

In the book, I retraced my path of recovery from both depression and bad religion. Because let me tell you something I learned the hard way. Some kinds of religion are good for mental health, and some are bad. One of my main purposes for the book was to help people who are depressed and wonder what it means about their faith to not only deconstruct the bad but reconstruct some good.

I entered that book into Writer’s Digest’s Annual Self-published E-book contest. On New Year’s Eve of that year, I got the best news of my life next to when my wife agreed to marry me. There was an email from Writer’s Digest. I opened it, and it said I won first place in the Nonfiction category. I read it two or three times because it was so surreal I had to be sure I read it correctly. My wife saw me kind of freaking out and thought something was wrong. I couldn’t tell her, so I just turned my laptop and let her read it. That was the best New Year’s Eve of my life.

Unfortunately, it was also the day the Coronavirus was discovered. We all know what happened after that. Writing did not flow for me in the same way it had before. I think I lost any momentum that win could have given my career. And that is why I say extra congratulations are in order for you, because you lived through the Covid crisis while pursuing your degree, and you made it to the finish line.

I think I am recovering now. Last year, I was accepted into the Marquis Who’s Who in America. And this year I am releasing my debut novel called A Gladiator’s Oath. It’s about an unlikely friendship between a Roman prison guard and a gladiator who refuses to fight because he has converted to Christianity. It is set against the backdrop of intense persecution of early Christians. And let me tell you something. You think you are persecuted here in America? Ha! You don’t know what persecution is. Read this book, and you will find out.

And yes, I deliberately worked in that bit of self-promotion because when you self-publish, you need to be your own best advocate. But in all seriousness, I really want to tell you, seeing you here in your caps and gowns is encouraging me to pursue my writing goals with renewed energy.

And now, ladies, and gentlemen, I want you to hear this. Writing was the right path for me not because I am a man. Gender has nothing to do with it. It was right because that is what my heart called me to do. I’m not going to stand up here and tell you what your pursuit of happiness should look like — as if I would know. But writing would have been the right path for me if I were a woman, and yes, even if I were a mother.

I don’t know what your heart is calling you to do. If you do, that is the best place to start. Some of you might not know it yet but don’t give up. Most writers know they want to write by the time they are teenagers. I didn’t know it until I was in my early twenties. If I had known it when I went to college, maybe I would have taken a few more English composition or literature classes. Maybe I would have written for the school newspaper. I may be a late bloomer, but I can at least see myself moving in the right direction.

Preparation meets opportunity

Now I wish I could tell you something like, “Do what you love, and the money will follow.” But life doesn’t always work that way. Getting back to the young lady who my wife spoke to, she said, “I want to sing.” My wife said, “Then do it.” My thought is, yes, do it. But this is a field where financial success is far from guaranteed. I am in a field where, I won’t lie, financial success has been elusive. When I get discouraged, I remember these words from Tom Morello. He acknowledged for upcoming musicians, the success he had with Rage Against the Machine and Audioslave may or may not come, so “Judge your success by how much you love the music you’re making.” I can honestly say that I have loved every bit of writing I have put out into the world, even if not many people have read it.

If you are able to make a living from what your heart believes you are called to do, count yourself blessed. For some of you, that path is clear. But even if you need a day job to support your calling, keep doing it. Maybe one day the right opportunity will come. Keep doing it so you will be prepared for it.

Some years ago, I met Terry Brooks, one of the world’s most famous fantasy authors, at a writers' conference. I negotiated that meeting into an interview. And I learned that before his first novel, Sword of Shanarra, was published, he was a lawyer. He would work that day job, then when he had a few hours in the evening or before going to bed, he would work on his novel. At the time, it did not look like it could become a career for him. The fantasy genre wasn’t what it is today. At the time, the publishing industry thought fantasy began and ended with Tolkien. Beyond that, it was considered a niche market.

Then along came Lester and Judy-Lynn Del Rey. In 1977, they formed their own sci-fi and fantasy publishing company named Del Rey. They believed that the publishing industry was wrong, that new Tolkien-esque fantasies could sell if they were marketed properly. By that time, Brooks had a completed manuscript and submitted it to them. It was exactly what Del Rey publishing wanted.

Lester found a way to give it even more publicity by publishing it in trade paperback format. If you don’t know, fiction was typically published in hardback at first. When those sales waned, they would release it in what is called mass market paperback, about 5 ½ by 8 inches. There was also the option of trade paperback, which has a bigger cover, maybe 6 by 9 or 7 by 10. But that format was typically used only for nonfiction. Because of Lester’s decision, Brooks made history by becoming the first author to have a work of fiction on the Trade Paperback bestseller list.

There’s a saying that luck is when preparation meets opportunity. Brooks’s story is a textbook example of that. He prepared by writing down his story, learning the craft of writing and storytelling to keep making that story better and improve his skills, and networking with editors, agents, and other writers. Then one day, all the hours of preparation he put in met the right opportunity.

So if you want to make a living doing something you love, you need both preparation and opportunity. Some of you may have met recruiters who have given you the opportunity you were looking for, or at least what you need right now to get your foot in the door. Some of you are not far from that. Opportunities come most often from networking, so be sure to include that in your pursuit of happiness. But ultimately, opportunity is in God’s hands. So I encourage you to pray and bring God into your networking efforts. Whatever gifts, talents, and calling you have, God gave them to you for a reason. So don’t let anyone tell you you are betraying God by following the calling of your heart.

But the part of the equation you have total control over is preparation. And even if you are going straight from this stage to the career of your dreams, I want you to never forget this: Your preparation never ends. So keep studying, keep making honest assessments of your skills and where you can improve, keep up with trends and developments in your profession, look for mentors who are willing to pass on what they learned through hard-earned experience, keep pursuing excellence, and keep praying for the Holy Spirit to guide you, to connect you with the right people, and to fulfill the purpose you were created for.

Keep Passion from Turning into Selfishness

Now, some of you might be worried that I’m telling you too much to focus on what makes you happy and not enough on God. There are two Bible verses that I think are a good counterbalance to prevent passion from turning into selfishness. First, Micah 6:8.

“[God] has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” (NRSVUE)

If you act with justice, mercy, and humility, no matter what path you choose for your family and your career, you will live a life pleasing to God. But you know what my favorite part of that verse is? “God has shown you.” How many times did I pray for God to show me what God wanted me to do, when this verse said all along, “God has shown you…”. What has God shown you? What is good and what the LORD requires of you. What is that? Act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God.

That’s it? I don’t have to fast for forty days to know what God’s calling is for my life? I don’t have to obey all the 613 laws of Moses? I don’t have to sacrifice what is most dear to me? I just have to treat others with justice, mercy, and humility? Yes. Justice, mercy and humility are better than sacrifice, better than the sacraments, and better than believing all the right doctrines. And if there is some way that justice, mercy and humility will lead to a life of selfish ambition that runs over anyone and doesn’t care who it hurts, I haven’t found it.

The other verse is Matthew 7:12.

“In everything, do to others as you would have them do to you, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” (NRSVUE)

Hopefully, you have heard this before. Traditionally, Christians of all denominations call this the Golden Rule. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Even if you are not a Christian, every major world religion has this in some form. But where do I need to treat others the way I want to be treated? In family? In business? At home? In the workplace? In politics? In religion? When I interact with someone who is different from me? Again, I found the answer by reading the beginning and stopping. “In everything.”

In everything, treat others the way you want to be treated. You can do this in whatever path in life you choose. And here is the best part. He said this is the Law and the Prophets. In the Gospel of Matthew, that means all of scripture. All of scripture is simply treat others the way you want to be treated. So if you do that, you will get credit not only for obeying that commandment. You will get credit for obeying all the commandments. The goal of all of scripture is to get us to love our neighbor as ourselves, another way of saying treat others the way you want to be treated. And even if you don’t believe in God, you know that’s a good way to live, right? Just think what a different state the church would be in if we all said, “First, we want you to obey the Golden Rule. And when we read scripture, our goal will be to understand how this helps us love our neighbor as ourselves. Let’s get that right first. Then we will teach you the creeds and the sacraments.”

Enthusiasm

Finally, brethren — and sistren — I want you to remember this word. Enthusiasm. When I was in seminary, a friend and I talked about the song “My Way,” by Frank Sinatra, and how it has probably had more sermons preached against it than any other song in history. “Not your way! God’s way!” But if you really listen to that song, you’ll realize this is not about shaking your fist at God and saying, “I don’t care what you say!” It’s about living your life in a way that when you come to the end and look back, you’ll have no regrets. Well, maybe a few, but then again, too few to mention. The way to do that is to remember the line from Shakespeare, “This above all, to thine own self be true.” If I could add one line to the Bible, that would be it.

Now getting back to the word, enthusiasm. For a long time, I was under the impression that if I had enthusiasm for something, that was dangerous. I worried about making that into an idol, worshipping my literary creations and career rather than the author of my life. But the truth is I needn’t have worried because of that one word, enthusiasm. If you check the origins of “enthusiasm,” you’ll find it literally means, “breathing in God.” I think sometimes in the church, we do a disservice to our young people when we teach them that their enthusiasm is an idol when the word itself says it’s a gift from God. God does not give the same gifts and the same enthusiasm to everyone. Not everyone has enthusiasm for writing like I do. Some of you may, and I encourage you to pursue that. But if you’ve found an activity where you feel yourself breathing in God as you do it, lean into it.

And in case it’s not clear, that includes you, ladies. If you have enthusiasm for something that takes you out of the home, do it. Your husband and older children can help with the homemaking. That’s how most families work today. If both of you are passionate about something, both of you can work together to help each other pursue your enthusiasm. Or you may decide together someone needs to stay home. But that is your decision. No one should make you feel like you have to do it their way.

Many people will tell you you have to work hard in order to succeed in your profession. But I’ll tell you a secret. If you follow your enthusiasm, hard work will take care of itself. Frank Sinatra certainly had enthusiasm for singing. But were all those hours of practice he put in hard work or enthusiasm? Michael Jordan used to be the first one to practice and the last one to leave. Was that hard work or enthusiasm? I heard one baseball player say how he was invited to a church where the preacher was a fan. The preacher went on and on about how God had given him a gift to play baseball. At first, he rebelled. It wasn’t God who practiced every night at the batting cage until my hands were blistered, he said to himself. I succeeded because I put in the hard work.

But then he caught himself. Actually, it wasn’t hard work. I put in all those hours of practice because that was where I wanted to be more than anywhere else. Something energized him as he was practicing. Then he learned what I told you about the word enthusiasm. When he was practicing baseball, he was breathing in God. When you’re breathing in God, hard work won’t feel like hard work.

This above all

“But God is supposed to be the most important thing in your life. You must be willing to sacrifice anything for God, even what you love the most.”

That’s what I used to think until I met a guy who told me he traveled around the country talking to young people, and his message was always, “Believe in yourself. Believe in the Almighty.”

I said, “Shouldn’t it be believe in the Almighty first, then believe in yourself?”

He said no. “If you don’t believe in yourself, nothing else you believe in will have any power for you.”

I sat with it for a while, and I realized he was right. I’ve been through times in my life when I did not have much faith in myself, and let me tell you, during those times, it was hard for me to believe in God, Jesus, my favorite Bible verses, or anything. Now, there may be times in your life when you question what you once believed in with assurance. You may question yourself during those times. You may question whether you are on the right path. Nothing will humble you more than being absolutely 100% sure you are right, and then finding out you were wrong. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Remember when I talked about humility? Those are your opportunities to learn it.

That’s what happened to Paul. He was absolutely 100% sure he was right and doing the work of God, until Jesus appeared to him on the Road to Damascus and said, “Why are you persecuting me?” He was absolutely 100% sure he was right because he was standing for the truth, God, and the scriptures! And the truth was he was absolutely 100% wrong. You think that didn’t cause him to question himself and everything he believed? You bet it did. Jesus said, “The truth shall set you free.” However, I think he should have added, “But first, it will hurt. A lot.”

But Paul managed to reconstruct a faith that changed the world. He learned about Jesus from the very same disciples he once persecuted. He had to relearn each and every commandment and scripture he thought he knew, and reinterpret it in the light of Jesus’ teaching, death, and resurrection. He had to learn about leading by serving. He had to learn again what it meant to do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with his God.

I feel like I should qualify this by saying when you read Paul’s letters, he does not sound humble most of the time. But there was a period of thirteen years or so after his Damascus Road experience before he was recruited to travel with Barnabas on a missionary journey. During that time, he had to learn a lot, and learning requires humility. You have to be humble enough to listen when you want to talk, to be taught rather than teach, to engage with your teacher respectfully, even if you disagree, and consider that you might be wrong. For thirteen years, he prepared without knowing what he was preparing for. Then on his first missionary trip as Barnabas’s assistant, Barnabas quickly recognized Paul was much more gifted at teaching the scriptures than he was. He showed humility by stepping aside and letting Paul take the lead. And the rest, as they say, is history.

So I’ve told you two verses I recommend to guide you in whatever you do: Micah 6:8; Matthew 7:12. And I’m going to add a third, Colossians 3:17.

And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. (NRSVUE)

So follow the calling of your heart. Believe in yourself and believe in the Almighty. Remember these words: Justice, mercy, humility, preparation, and enthusiasm. Remember to always treat others the way you want to be treated. Remember to do whatever you do with your whole heart and with gratitude. It may or may not lead to financial success. But you will live a life that is not only pleasing to God. It will be fulfilling and rewarding for you.