I Just Had to Block a Longtime Reader

With friends like that, who needs enemies?

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One of the whines I hear most often, particular from older white men, is that women should be nicer. If we want to talk about discrimination, violence, or systemic harm, we apparently need to do it in such a way that it doesn’t ruffle any male feathers. How we’re supposed to talk about the properties of the elephant without ever saying the word elephant is a mystery, but nonetheless, guys like this seem to want that anyhow.

It’s not enough to talk about the facts, the statistics, or the personal accounts of how being female in this culture has negatively impacted someone. Sociology doesn’t count if it hurts these men’s feelings. And catering to men is what women are supposed to do, right? I mean, what else are women even for if not to please men and make them feel good about themselves?

Little girls walking to school in jeans and T-shirts start getting harassed by adult men from the age of 10 or younger — something that 85% of American girls have been subject to beginning in childhood. But noting that we have a domination-based culture that encourages and turns a blind eye to male predation of women, starting when they are just girls, is apparently out of line.

I mean, women have legal equality, so the fact that there’s no actual safety (and it’s getting worse); that there’s no fundamental respect; and that women’s human rights are under attack in our country and around the world is complaining in such as way as to make men feel bad about themselves.

But if it’s truly #NotAllMen then why do they feel bad?

If you aren’t the one doing these harmful things and if you know that masculine gender norms are not the same as maleness then why so fragile?

If you claim to support women’s equality, why say something as clueless and defensive as “Feminism has largely achieved its original goals and many men, including me, are on board with those goals. Sadly, the current common feminist buzz tells men that feminists/women don’t like men much and find them to be flawed probably isn’t helpful.”

Feminism has largely achieved its original goals? Nobody who actually cares about women thinks that there really isn’t much left to do in order for women to experience equality. Do you even watch the news? Do you pay any attention to the stories of mine that you read?

And claiming that, while in the next moment blaming women for bringing it to men’s attention that they don’t want to be raped, killed, SAed, beaten, discriminated against, trafficked, or marginalized is the worst kind of deflection. It’s acting like none of that is too big a deal, and that we’re really just fine. Talking about how masculine culture needs to improve to have less of that stuff is an overreaction, according to him, and one that men don’t find “helpful.”

The FBI says that men perpetrate over 90% of all violence, and more than that for sexual violence. These are not bad apples. They are men acting on the mainstream masculine norms of dominance, control, and lack of vulnerability. What exactly would be helpful for improving that situation if talking about it is not?

He says he supports women. He says he understands that gender norms aren’t maleness. Nonetheless, he still has a massive emotional reaction to women continuing to advocate for themselves, complete with doubling down on defensive rhetoric.

Also, several large research studies indicate that feminists and women in general like men just fine. What they don’t like are the bad behaviors that are all too common, and the ways that masculine socialization creates problems in this culture — not just by normalizing violence and domination of others, particularly women — but by robbing men of their full humanity, and encouraging attitudes and behaviors that are physically and psychologically harmful to men.

Men’s violence against women is a pervasive social phenomenon with deep roots in existing personal, social, and institutional arrangements. In order for people to understand and ultimately work together to prevent it, it is first necessary for them to engage in a great deal of personal and collective introspection. This introspection can be especially threatening to men, because as perpetrators and bystanders, they are responsible for the bulk of the problem.

— The Macho Paradox: Why Some Men Hurt Women and How All Men Can Help (How to End Domestic Violence, Mental and Emotional Abuse, and Sexual Harassment) by Jackson Katz

But, apparently it’s ungrateful harpy behavior to not just accept what you’re given with a smile so that guys can feel good about themselves, undisturbed by the ways that the women and the culture around them is harmed.

Let’s have a little dose of reality, shall we?

On the other hand, there are reasons to think that feminists may harbor positive attitudes toward men. Many feminists disown misandry and even advocate for men and boys. hooks (2000) rejects the idea that feminism is antimale. hooks defines feminism as “a movement to end sexism, sexist exploitation, and oppression” (p. 1) and acknowledges men’s suffering under patriarchy — especially men of color and men from other marginalized groups.

Feminists have driven forward significant changes in men’s favor (Courtenay, 2000) including the repeal of sexist drinking laws (Plank, 2019) and laws that define rape in terms that exclude assaults in which men are victims (Cohen, 2014; Javaid, 2016). Feminists have also advocated for reforms that mean the burden of front-line combat duties and dangerous occupations are now open to women and therefore no longer borne alone by men (Soules, 2020). These phenomena weigh against the conclusion that in general, feminists are motivated by negative attitudes toward men. ~Sage Journals

If someone has been a long-time reader of my writing, what about any of that is news? In a story all about how gender norms aren’t maleness and how these norms actually restrict and harm men, why did this guy feel it necessary to assert that “men talking more probably isn’t going to help anything” — even though I cited three different organizations speaking to the negative impact of men suppressing emotions.

Why did he pretend that legal equality is the same as actual functional equality? And why are women the problem for wanting to be safe and treated fairly?

As a white person, I have what I feel is a moral obligation to investigate and work with the ways that I have inadvertently participated in a domination-based society. I read several Black writers regularly, as well as LGBTQ+ writers and I learn about my blindspots, as well as the ways that I can follow the lead of these communities in helping them achieve greater equality. I think it’s important that I keep educating myself and challenging my privilege.

White people benefit from a supremacist culture even if they don’t subscribe to those beliefs and don’t wish to benefit from them. Same goes for men. A society where, 50 years ago women were second class citizens by law, offers all sorts of unasked for advantages to men. There’s even a name for the dynamic: the patriarchal dividend.

The term “patriarchal dividend” was coined by Australian sociologist Professor Raewyn Connell to describe the benefits that accrue to men from women’s inequality. These include higher income and status, respect, access to institutional power and control over their own lives. *~News.uct*

I fully understand that not all white people challenge their privilege and the dividends that inequality offers them, but amongst progressives, it’s pretty common to hold this as a value, even if there is room for improvement in the execution. Why aren’t more progressive men doing this work in regards to what women face in this culture?

Some are to be sure, but this guy who claimed to support feminism’s goals was mostly focused on how women should essentially be grateful for how far they’ve come with the help of guys like him, and stop any further talk of how masculine culture needs to continue to improve — because it hurts some men’s feelings to hear they aren’t ideal.

Also, older white men, in particular, really don’t like hearing criticism from a class of people they were taught were supposed to be below them on the dominance hierarchy, and who are coded as nurturers, helpers, and a soft place to land. Failing in that traditional role is either consciously or unconsciously seen as a betrayal. You know what? Too damned bad!

There is a difference between guilt and responsibility, and while all men are not guilty of terrible acts of inequality against women, all men are responsible for taking stock of how the culture has indoctrinated them into potentially harmful norms — just like all white people are responsible for taking stock of how they’ve taken part in the white supremacist culture all around us.

You’re either a part of the problem or you are a part of the solution. There is no neutral ground, and asserting that you care and that you’re “one of the good guys” at the same time that you’re tone policing women for talking about their experiences and concerns doesn’t fly. Grow up and do better or get yourself blocked.

Pro tip: When a person from a marginalized community tells you that your rhetoric feels like a slap in the face, the correct response is not to double down on those words. The respectful response of an actual ally is to listen, and maybe even ask questions, so that you can understand how you have been hurtful, perhaps inadvertently. The right thing to do is to apologize for your mistake and to affirm that you weren’t trying to cause harm. Then learn and do better next time.

Sometimes people can get a bit touchy over sensitive subjects, but jumping to the conclusion that this is all they are doing without any sort of investigation or reflection is self-serving. A large part of empathy is believing what someone with a different set of life experiences has to say about them. If you call yourself a supporter or an ally, then act like one — just not in some kind of paternalistic way that undermines the other person’s feelings or perceptions.

The only thing worse than being harmed in some way is to have that hurt trivialized and discounted. It’s even worse when that is coming from someone who claims to be sympathetic. Hearing from someone, ostensibly on your side, that you’re just making it worse by calmly talking about the changes you’d like to see, is its own form of violence.

Medium has rules against it for that reason: “We do not allow posts or accounts that glorify, celebrate, downplay, or trivialize violence, suffering, abuse, or deaths of individuals or groups.”

My long-time reader who saw fit to trivialize women’s struggles for equality probably didn’t do it offensively enough to be seen as breaking Medium rules, but he did pass my threshold for who I no longer want to interact with online.

I am always very careful to talk about societal dynamics rather than individual failure. I’m careful to note that not all men internalize these gender norms in the same way, and to point the finger at the culture — not at maleness. If that’s not enough for you; if your unprocessed emotions are flaring my way; and if you are insisting that I make myself smaller and quieter for your comfort, then I don’t want you in my neck of the woods.

It’s hard enough living as a woman in this culture without having to walk on eggshells because someone else is too fragile to deal with reality and is insisting instead on their comfort over justice. He and I had had a lot of civil discussions over the years, but pretending like women are really just fine, and that they need to stop being so offensive to men, really doesn’t work for me — particularly not when I had worked very hard to write a measured, sociological exploration.

I’m not going to be tone-policed and I’m not going to be bullied into shrinking myself for some man’s comfort. Also, comments that deflect from the theme of the essay are not welcome. That’s not civil engagement.

Honestly, with friends like that, who needs enemies?

“Make a career of humanity. Commit yourself to the noble struggle for equal rights. You will make a better person of yourself, a greater nation of your country, and a finer world to live in.” ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

© Copyright Elle Beau 2026

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