With Judges Like These….

Who Needs Enemies?

Jesus gives this impeachment effort a 6.5, but only because the ridiculousness of it makes him laugh. Amazon.co

I know politicians aren’t as pure as the driven snow. They’re not innocent. You have to break a few eggs to make progress and even some of today’s heroes are yesterday’s villains. Hell, Robert Byrd, who finished his career as a liberal lion was once an Exalted Cyclops in the Ku Klux Klan.

But there’s a difference between trying a person when there’s evidence of guilt and another entirely when the point is to distract attention and dirty them up. And so it is with the attempt to impeach President Biden.

No, Joe isn’t blameless or perfect. African American community leaders didn’t like his stands on criminal justice, he opposed busing to desegregate schools and he has had a history of being touch feely in more of a weird way than a #MeToo kind of way, but still there’s not much in the way of evidence to investigate him other than the unrelated behavior of a coke-addled son and the mud-slinging of Rethuglicans who hate Uncle Joe because he’s a Democrat and frustrated that they can’t find a way to thwart an old guy who keeps bikin…er…running circles around them.

Still, if that’s the standard for impeachment, let’s consider the records of the people who may be judging the president.

Let’s strike up the Jock Jam song (you know the one that asks “Y’all ready for this?”) and bring Michael Buffer, the “Let’s Get Ready To Rumble” guy to announce the line up of congress persons lining up to take down someone whose only real crime is getting stuff done.

I can just hear Michael Buffer now saying, “For the thousands in attendance and the millions watching around the world, from the capitol city of the United States of America, Washington DC, Ladies and Gentlemen meet your Impeachment Inquiry Leaders…”

The Heavyweights (who also happen to be intellectual lightweights) in this corner include….

Matt Gaetz (R — Forehead, FL).

Forehead boy who now plans to run for governor of Florida. Could he be any worse than Ron Death Sentence? Wikimedia Commons.

Weighing in at 250, this judge was once under investigation for sex trafficking of underage girls and obstruction of justice, but has not been tried. There appears to be no truth to the rumor that he said “That’s what I love about these high school girls. I keep gettin’ older but they stay the same age.”

Marge “Trailer Park” Taylor (R — Crazyville, GA)

Taylor, dressed as a baboon, at this year’s State of the Union speech, just moments before she reached down and began flinging poop. The Guardian.

whose husband left her in search of his own green new deal. Like any good judge, her mind is wide open. . .because she has nothing between her ears but wide open spaces. And, speaking of space, she’s the same person whose research led her to conclude that California wildfires were caused by…Jewish Space Lasers.

Jim Jordan (R — Motormouth, OH).

We’re not saying Jordan is stupid, but, as this photo shows, he never learned the proper way to use a gavel. The Nation.

This judge appears to operate under the assumption that there’s no idea so crazy that won’t sound sane if you say it fast enough. Jordan categorically denies that he looked the other way when he was a wrestling coach at Ohio State and there were reports that the team doctor had sexually harassed more than 120 wrestlers. Although numerous wrestlers say they told him about it, he may have talked so loud and so fast while they were informing him that it couldn’t penetrate the smokescreen of words. He’s so sensitive about the issue that he refused subpoenas from the January 6 committee because he thought they were going to issue him a “sub-penis.” No thanks, he already has one.

Lauren “Qanon Betty” Boebert (R — Hand Job, CO)

In a rare moment of quiet, Boebert hears the wind whistling through her ears. Yahoo

Her slogan could well be, “When the urge hits you, you’ve just got to scratch it” which helps explain why she had the bad judgment to vape near a pregnant woman and tug on her date’s dick during a performance of “Beetlejuice” recently. I, for one, am not questioning her smarts for helping her boyfriend scratch one out at a family show as much as I’m questioning her judgment for going to “Beetlejuice.”

James Comer (R — Opportunist, KY)

When the citizens of Kentucky got a chance to elect him governor, they saw a man who was reported to have threatened and physically and mentally abused his college girlfriend and who upheld his so-called “pro life” views by taking her for an abortion. And they weren’t impressed. Apparently, the folks in his congressional district either forgot or didn’t mind. And House Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R — Vapid, CA) was so impressed he made him head of the House Oversight Committee. McCarthy also appointed a wolf to guard a hen house and coyotes to herd sheep.

Elise Stefanik (R — Blowing-In-The-Wind Upon The Hudson, R).

What do you call someone who jumps on a bandwagon when it’s not going anywhere? Elise Stefanik. WhoWhatWhy

Ever steadfast, Stefanek was morally opposed to Trump. . .until she wasn’t.

Paul Gosar (R — Andromeda, AZ)

There are some who might say this photo proves that even men can have Resting Bitch Face, but it’s not. It’s a picture of Gosar laughing at a joke. CNN

We’re not coming out and saying he has terrible judgment, but he lost some of his committee assignments after he posted an animation showing him killing Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and beating up on President Biden (who he would be judging) and members of his family oppose him and have asked Arizonans to vote against him. There is, however, absolutely no truth to reports that his siblings said they “regret letting him escape the basement.”

And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen, a sampling of the open minded, impartial judges on the Biden impeachment panel. Lord help us all.