Pastor Addresses Faith Crises after Man He Miraculously Healed Immediately Died

An Email of talking points to all church staff

Photo by Alexander Wark Feeney on Unsplash

All — for those not there last night, service was incredible!!! I prayed for the Holy Spirit to heal a man named Jeff who used a wheelchair, and HS did it!!! Jeff was so excited he danced down the aisle and right out the door. But he didn’t look before crossing the street and a bus plowed him straight into the arms of our Lord.

Many in the congregation are doubting faith now. I’ve been praying all night, of course. Lots of weeping, grief-y feelings, bellowing at the sky, etc. Mention that to people.

HS told me all church staff need to have these talking points on hand when discussing the incident:

1. For People asking why God let this happen or whatever

a. God did the healing, Satan did the bus. When good things happen, it’s God. When bad things happen, it’s not. No real need to think about it more than that.

b. God can’t stop bad things happening to people if they sin. Jeff must have been sinning. Pretty nasty stuff. Don’t say “perverted sex things” (can’t prove). Just say enough to invite filling in the blanks. People ALWAYS think perverted sex things if you let them! Lord knows I do…

c. The bus driver’s name is Stan, which is ONLY ONE LETTER away from Satan! so S(a)tan killed that pervert Jeff.

2. For people suspecting Jeff was a hired actor faking his healing

a. Okay, he was an actor, but he was not exactly Leonardo DiCaprio. That healing was too convincing for a guy who was lucky to get speaking parts at our local dinner theater.

b. Some people claim they saw Jeff standing outside his office job smoking all the time. Jeff had Multiple Spiniosis, which meant he could walk a little bit and used a wheelchair the rest of the time. He definitely couldn’t dance, so I did a real miracle.

c. Some people say they saw Jeff dance a lot in last year’s community theater production of Chicago. That was Jeff’s brother George. George doesn’t live here anymore. He moved to Slovakia.

3. For people saying “Multiple Spiniosis” are just random, medical-sounding words

a. I’m not a doctor!

b. You’re not a doctor!

c. (If they are a doctor) I guess you must be a better doctor than Jeff’s team at THE MAYO CLINIC…

4. For people saying they’re certain Jeff had the exact same wheelchair as the last person I healed

a. Lots of people have that model of wheelchair. A local nonprofit gives it out.

b. Yes I have another wheelchair of that same model in my office. That’s a coincidence. I get in sometimes to remember how hard life is for some people so I can be grateful like Jesus wants. Wow, so holy!

5. For people saying I paid Stan to hit Jeff with the bus

a. I did not instruct Jeff to cha-cha straight out the door and cross the street so the person I “fake-healed couldn’t talk to the press this time,” or whatever people are claiming on Facebook. I don’t know. I’m not checking.

b. Unrelated, I’m on a plane to Moscow. I’m on a sabbatical I planned a long time ago but forgot to tell anyone about.

Yours in the HS,

Pastor Dave

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