Taming the Ego: Cleansing the Soul of the Addiction to Praise and the Fear of Social Rejection

Photo by Varun Horril on Unsplash

For years, I have made a habit of sharing my reflections on issues I consider important — whether drawn from mainstream news outlets or social media discussions. I usually turn those reflections into essays and distribute them through WhatsApp groups and various social media platforms.

Over time, I began to notice something fascinating about the responses these writings generated. Some readers praised the substance of my arguments. Others responded with a thumbs-up emoji or words of appreciation. A few even remarked that my commitment to writing regularly about subjects that capture my attention was extraordinary and worthy of emulation. To be honest, I enjoy such responses. Yet praise is never the only reaction one receives in public life. Some readers disagree with my arguments. Others criticize the content itself. Occasionally, someone will dismiss me altogether, joking that I must be a professor with too much free time to be posting serious essays almost every day.

Praise feels pleasant. Criticism, however, often awakens a very different impulse — the urge to defend ourselves. We feel compelled to explain, clarify, rebut, or justify. More often than not, such responses are unnecessary. Social media grants everyone the freedom to say whatever they wish, and attempts at clarification frequently degenerate into unproductive arguments that consume time and energy without yielding understanding.

Praise and criticism are permanent features of social life. We cannot escape them. The greater danger, in my view, lies in allowing our actions to be driven primarily by the desire for praise or the fear of criticism. When that happens, several consequences follow.

1. The Loss of Inner Freedom. When the primary standard for behavior becomes the judgment of others, people cease to live according to their own convictions and values. They become prisoners of public opinion. Their decisions are guided less by the question, “What is true and beneficial?” and more by the question, “What will people think?” Over time, personal identity becomes fragile, constantly reshaped by the shifting expectations of the crowd.

2. A Life of Chronic Anxiety. Human praise and criticism are notoriously unstable. The same person who applauds you today may condemn you tomorrow. If happiness depends upon praise, then peace of mind depends upon something fundamentally outside your control. Such dependence often manifests itself in overthinking, fear of mistakes, fear of disagreement, and an ongoing anxiety about rejection.

3. The Inability to Grow. Constructive criticism is one of life’s most valuable teachers. Yet those who fear criticism excessively tend to avoid challenges, hesitate to try new things, and suppress unconventional ideas. Innovation and personal growth rarely emerge from comfort. They are usually born from the willingness to endure misunderstanding, skepticism, and critique.

4. The Rise of Social Hypocrisy. The craving for approval can tempt people to project an image that differs from who they truly are. They may embrace popular opinions they do not genuinely believe, follow the crowd merely for social safety, or conceal their authentic views to avoid disapproval. In the long run, such behavior creates a painful division between the public self and the private self.

5. Vulnerability to Manipulation. Those who hunger for praise or fear condemnation become remarkably easy to control. Praise can be used as a tool of influence. The threat of criticism can pressure people into abandoning their convictions — even when doing so violates their conscience.

Dismantling the Idol of the Ego

How, then, can we free ourselves from this addiction to praise and this phobia of criticism? One answer may be found in the spiritual wisdom of the Sufis. For centuries, Sufi practitioners have relied on a powerful psycho-spiritual discipline known as dhikr — the remembrance of God.

Linguistically, the Arabic word dhikr means “to remember,” “to mention,” “to reflect upon,” or “to keep in mind.” Expressions such as La ilaha illa Allah (“There is no god but God”), Subhan Allah (“Glory be to God”), Alhamdulillah (“All praise belongs to God”), and Allahu Akbar (“God is the Greatest”) are repeated rhythmically and internalized until they penetrate the deepest layers of consciousness.

The goal is not mere repetition. It is the cultivation of a state that Sufi masters describe as fana — the dissolution of the illusion that greatness, perfection, power, and glory belong to the self rather than to God.

Dhikr trains human beings to recognize their smallness before the Creator. In doing so, it generates an extraordinary spaciousness of heart, enabling individuals to navigate praise, criticism, and adversity with remarkable composure.

1. Fana’ al-Ananiyyah: Dissolving the Ego

Why do criticism and praise affect us so deeply? The Sufi answer is simple: because there remains within us a self that wants to feel important, indispensable, flawless, and superior. When a Sufi immerses himself in the declaration La ilaha illa Allah — “There is no god but God” — he engages in a radical form of spiritual surgery. The phrase negates every false object of worship, including one’s own achievements, status, reputation, and self-importance. Through sustained remembrance, a profound awareness emerges: God alone is perfect, while human beings are inherently limited, fallible, and incomplete.

As the ego gradually dissolves in the experience of fana, the very entity capable of taking offense begins to disappear. When criticism arrives, it finds no solid target. It becomes like an arrow shot into empty space. There is no ego left to wound because the ego has been absorbed into the awareness of divine greatness.

2. Mushahadah: Living in the Presence of God

The addiction to praise and the fear of criticism are rooted in an excessive dependence on human judgment. We become terrified that our image might suffer damage on the social stage. Through dhikr khafi — the silent and continuous remembrance practiced within the depths of the heart — the Sufi trains himself to remain inwardly present with God. Human praise cannot elevate his standing before God. Human condemnation cannot diminish the weight of his good deeds. Both are ultimately mirages.

The renowned Sufi master Ibrahim ibn Adham once suggested that a person has not attained genuine righteousness until praise and blame become equal in his eyes. Dhikr nurtures precisely this state of inner freedom. When the heart becomes filled with love for and awareness of the Creator, there is simply no room left for an ego obsessed with the opinions of creation.

3. Calming the Reptilian Brain in the Ocean of the Tranquil Self

Sufi psychology describes the human soul as progressing through various stages — from the turbulent and impulsive nafs ammarah (the commanding self) to the peaceful nafs mutma’innah (the tranquil self). Modern neuroscience offers an interesting parallel. When people are criticized or insulted, the amygdala — the brain’s ancient threat-detection system — often reacts immediately, triggering survival responses: fight or flight. Dhikr functions as a natural regulator.

The Qur’an states:

“Indeed, it is through the remembrance of God that hearts find rest.”

Consistent remembrance sends waves of calm through the nervous system, softening emotional reactivity and helping the soul ascend toward a state of serenity. A heart that reaches this stage resembles a vast ocean. Throw a dirty stone into a glass of water and the water becomes cloudy and undrinkable. Throw the same stone into the ocean, and the ocean absorbs it effortlessly, allowing it to sink into its depths without altering the clarity, purity, or color of the water. Criticism — even harsh criticism or slander — may enter such a heart, but it no longer possesses the power to disturb its essential tranquility.

By adopting the wisdom of the Sufi tradition, we may learn to receive praise without intoxication and criticism without fear. Praise no longer inflates the self. Criticism no longer terrifies it. Both become sources of information rather than sources of identity. And only then can we evaluate the situations we face with genuine objectivity — free from the distortions of vanity, attachment, anger, or wounded pride.