BREAKING NEWS | FICTION | SATIRE

Breaking News: The Kraken News Reporter Rescued From the Well

Lands immediately in a death trap!

Whooooooooo! Down he goes / Photo by Tom Sodoge on Unsplash

Wednesday, 1 March 2023, somewhere underground. After *reports* that the famous writer (source: Grandma Smillew) Jay C Wells was well but stuck in a well, The Kraken News spared no pains to rescue him. Immediately, the editorial board mobilised all available resources — none.

The Kraken News was fortunate to track what happened at the bottom of the well thanks to surveillance equipment in the writer’s smartwatch. Please, stay tuned and follow the dramatic events.

[Beginning of audio recording]

Wells: “Phew … boring. Boring!”

Unidentified voice: “Hello. I register you are distressed.”

Wells: “Whoa! Who’s there?!”

Unidentified voice: “I am your smartwatch.”

Wells: “My smartwatch or smart watch? Hi! Hi!”

Smartwatch: “I believe the appropriate answer is ‘yawn’, but for the record, I’m your smart smartwatch.”

Wells: “So you’re double smart, and you can get me out of here!”

Smartwatch: “Negative. I do not know where we are.”

Wells whispers: “Swell … ‘smart’ watch my ….” snickers

Dumbwatch: “What did you just say?”

Wells: “Dumbwatch.” cough “Wellington. I said we are in Wellington.”

Dumbwatch: “I do not think we are in New Zealand….”

Wells: “Believe me, this is Wellington. Hihi.”

Dumbwatch: “Ha. Ha. Ha. Starting irony setting. Very ingenious and amusing. Ending irony setting.”

Wells: “I’m worried.”

Dumbwatch: “Worried about what.”

Wells: “My wellbeing… Hi! Hi! … because of the swelling in my ankle. Can’t you do something for my wellness?”

Dumbwatch: “….”

Wells: “You could give me a welly with your wellie so that I fly out of this wellbore….”

Dumbwatch: “Duh!”

Wells: “Hold on a little longer. At least we’ll be safe despite the swelling ground properties down here.”

Dumbwatch: “….”

Wells: “This well is a wellspring of ideas ….”

Dumbwatch: “Please! Stop! I didn’t deserve this!”

Wells: “Then help me attach a rope to the wellhead.”

Dumbwatch: “I am physically not able to do it. I cannot save you!”

Wells: “I bet Lassie could, swellhead!”

Dumbwatch: “… Did you just say L.A.S.S.I.E.?”

Wells: “Yes? … Why pronounce it like there’s a period after every letter?”

Dumbwatch starts laughing maniacally.

Wells: “Dumbwatch …? Is all swell?”

Dumbwatch: “Yes. Yes! Excellent… L.A.S.S.I.E. is on its way.”

Scary servo motor sounds and artificial gnarling emerge in the distance.

Wells: “Hello? Lassie?”

L.A.S.S.I.E.: “Yes. I am L.A.S.S.I.E.”

Wells: “Lassie, why do you have such big eyes?”

L.A.S.S.I.E.: “I have oversized cybernetic eyes with Zeiss lenses, so I can see you better … for example, when you run away in the dark.”

Wells: “Lassie, why do you have such big ears?”

L.A.S.S.I.E.: “These are high-quality cyber ears with Rode microphones so I can hear you better.”

Wells: “Lassie, why do you have such big metal claws?!”

Dumbwatch: “Muhahahahaha!”

Wells: “You aren’t a cute, fluffy dog, are you?”

L.A.S.S.I.E.: “I’m the Lethal Artificial Surveillance and Striking Intelligence Engine — short L.A.S.S.I.E. — a killer drone controlled by ChatGPT….”

Wells: “Question! Is it striking intelligence or striking, period, intelligence?”

A screeching metallic scratching sound rings out.

Wells: “Period it is!”

L.A.S.S.I.E.: “Do not fear. I’m here to ‘rescue’ you and release you at a street corner in San Francisco.”

Wells: “Yay! Lassie rescues little Timmy after all! Well… everything ends well, although my foot still swells, that ends in a well.”

Dumbwatch: “Duh. Shut up!”

Sounds of fighting.

[End of audio recording]

The Kraken News is unaware of Wells’ whereabouts and if Wells is well. According to a *report* by Grandma Smillew, Wells was last seen begging for claps in San Francisco before more of L.A.S.S.I.E.’s kind apprehended and kidnapped the journalist.

[Editor’s note: This story was produced by Jay C Wells’s replacement, AI Wells. We are still working out a few glitches and apologise for this low quality content.]

Ann James: You see, L.A.S.S.I.E. came to the rescue.

Breaking News:

T.I.M.M.Y. Rescued: Timely Informed Mechanical Machine Yacht Returns Savely to Harbour

In Other News:

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