Roz and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Polyp

It’s a great day for a colonoscopy!

According to Unsplash, this is a colon. (Photo by Europeana on Unsplash)

Eight years ago, I learned that I have a genetic mutation that increases my risk of getting both colon and breast cancer. This means, among other things, that I have to get a colonoscopy every five years instead of the usual ten.

Just what I needed as I enjoy my senior years. Extra diagnostic tests!

After my last colonoscopy, the doc told me that he’d found — and removed — a polyp. “It’s probably nothing to worry about,” he told me in the recovery room, “but I’m having it biopsied just in case.”

Did I fret about this? Not at all! I was still high as a kite from the drugs he and his team had used to put me under so they could stick their colonoscope where the moon don’t glow.

Those drugs are amazing.

My doc phoned a month later to tell me that my polyp wasn’t a harmless polyp after all. Instead, it was an evil, disquieting polyp. Those weren’t the words he used, of course. “Evil, disquieting polyp” isn’t Official Medical Jargon. His term was “precancerous.”

He told me that because of my dubious polyp (also not Medical Jargon), I couldn’t wait another five years to get my next colonoscopy. Instead, I needed another one in three years. Did that bother me? Nah. Three years is a long time.

That was three years ago. I’m having the colonoscopy tomorrow.

So why am I writing this?

First of all, to provide my readers with a little schadenfreude. Go ahead, be happy about the fact that you’re not getting a colonoscopy tomorrow.

Also? Because I want scads of sympathy and support!

For those of you who pray? Please pray that your good pal Roz doesn’t end up with another bad polyp.

For those of you who aren’t religious but are deeply spiritual? Please ask the universe not to give me any more unwelcome polyps.

And if you’re not religious or deeply spiritual but instead are a secular, unspiritual atheist like me? Wish me good luck!

I’d also love to hear any and all stories about your colonoscopies, your harmless or alarming polyps, or anything else you can think of to distract me from the fact that I have to spend today (1) not eating any solid food and (2) doing the Whole Prep Thing.

Here’s what I have to say about that:

(1) You don’t realize how much you really love to eat solid food until you’re put on a “clear liquid only” diet.

And?

(2) The less said about the Whole Prep Thing, the better.

Enjoy your day tomorrow, Dear Readers! I won’t be enjoying mine.

(**Roz Warren, who writes for everyone from the Funny Times to the New York Times , has been on both the Today Show and Morning Edition, and has been included in 19 Chicken Soup for the Soul collections, is a [Writing Coach](https://rosalindwarren.medium.com/need-a-good-editor-get-in-touch-c3508093b772?sk=da811ef430b407044d2aff236d7c0570) who helps writers improve and publish their work. Interested? Drop her a line at roSwarren@gmail.com. (That’s Ros with an “s,” not a “z.”)**

And here’s the “sequel”

[embed]I Almost “Failed” My Colonoscopy Prep I didn’t even know that was a thingmedium.com