We Should All Be Petty

For the second time today, I had the opportunity to lock the gate against my downstairs neighbour, and for the second time, I resisted the urge. Much to my own chagrin. Much to my own disappointment.

You see, our little shared gate has a weird mechanism. It has to be locked just so in order for someone else to open it when coming in. We both know this. We’ve lived amicably under these terms for almost 3 years.

At the start of this year, after returning from a short trip visiting family and friends, I realised my neighbour had locked the gate completely — completely. In such a way that I could not meander through, could not finesse it, could not do anything but wait outside the gate. For upwards of ten minutes. Calling him. Waiting for him to come open it from the inside.

This had me on my wits’ end.

Over the past few weeks, it’s happened more times. Too often to be coincidence. By the time he comes out with his fake smile and barely-there apology, I’m too angry, or too tired, to speak. Once, he even suggested I fix the gate myself so it wouldn’t happen again.

Fix the lock? Myself?

As always, I’d waited too long outside and was too exhausted after a long day to properly erupt.

Luckily, my sister returned a week ago and always makes sure I can come in with ease. So imagine my delight when I noticed I could very easily do the same thing to him today while I was off duty and he had driven out.

Twice.

Twice, I gave up the opportunity for sweet revenge.

How could I?!!!

Well, I’ll tell you why.

As a Christian, I have the fortunate reality of having God living in me in the person of the Holy Spirit. His nudges are, on good days, far too weighty to ignore. So I leave the gate well and open for this ungrateful swine to stroll in. I leave it just right, feeling like the bigger person.

That sucked.

And as someone without much of an ego, I’m not getting the best end of the stick.

Which brings me to my thesis.

Why you should be petty.

If you’re Christian like me, you are often restrained from pettiness, from small revenge, from well-timed snideness. God says; love your friends and pray for your enemies, and I appreciate that He acknowledges the fact that we’ll have enemies. Human creatures who get on our last nerves and wander dangerously close to hate (that we are incapable of, obviously. yikes)

If you aren’t Christian, then welcome here! This is a beautiful little nook, where I argue strongly for and in favour of pettiness. How lovely it would be to live vicariously through you.

Obviously, there is a tacit line: do not descend into outright evil or anything with legal consequences. But within reason, I’ve noticed two main human responses.

Option one: being the bigger person and walking away. This works if you enjoy stroking your ego. You can bask in your moral superiority, looking down on the petty peasants below. It’s not about peace; it’s about flexing your self-control and convincing yourself (and others) that you are unbothered and far above it all. very demigod-like, very adult.

This, ironically, is also petty.

I would allow it in some circumstances.

Option two: sweet, sweet revenge. Locking the gate exactly the way you know they’ll be stuck. Putting your phone on Do Not Disturb. Letting a thirty-minute buffer pass before answering sleepily and apologetically.

How nice. How fitting. How petty.

You’ve secured your end and set theirs on fire.

Life is really too short to always be the bigger person. So, unless you are genuinely chicken, be the smaller person. Take revenge. Be petty. And then, only then, forgive and move on.

A small caveat: unless you want a full-blown war, secure your end first. Make sure they can’t get back at you the same way. You don’t want a tiring loop of quid pro quo. You want to sever their last joy, then take the final sip from the last glass of the last bottle of wine.

That’s where the bliss is.

However, if you are indeed Christian and far removed from the affairs of this world, sit back, stay set apart, and live vicariously through the rest.