Dear baby girl

Dear baby girl,

I don’t even know if I want you (or a son) yet. Still, I just wanted to talk to you. I’m sentimental that way.

Let me tell you why I am 90 percent sure that I don’t want you.

The world is a cruel place. We were made in the image of God so we are suppose to be kind, loving and caring. (?) But if you are nice, you will be run over and over again relentlessly.

Then you remember, “Oh right, God is wrathful too.”

“For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth.” -Romans 1:18

The God of love is firm and doesn’t let you mess with him. But unlike him, we are only human and this is hard to accomplish. It’s not easy to be cold, while staying warm enough to let those worth your time notice you.

No matter how hard you try to protect yourself, you get hurt. Even if you’re the victim, the suffering is only yours to keep up with. You have to work ten times harder to move on. People truly treats others poorly. No one is really taught how to respect others. The thing is they aren’t obliged to.

Betrayal is hard to cope with but you have to get used to and get over it. It’s not about being cheated or stabbed in the back. It can happen in little ways. Like the sudden moment you realize that the person who you paid so much attention to and took care of for a really long time never had once asked how your day was. But what can you do? You have to move forward. It seems impossible but you want to be okay.

Existence is pain because most of the things in life happen for the first time. The same thing really never happens again. And, my god, we never listen to what others say. We think we can handle it but we can’t. We are all so lost and confused. Imagine getting hit by a car. You’re prepared so it won’t hurt if you are actually run over? Wrong. It’s going to hurt like a milky way explosion.

Nothing is fair. The world doesn’t wait for anyone and it doesn’t owe anything to you. You apply for a hundred jobs. Only a handful will get back to you and you have just a tiny chance of getting the job. Some writers get their book published, while better writers don’t. You work 100 times to get one in return which is the case to consider yourself lucky. It’s like living a life of almosts forever.

It’s not easy to pursue what you want to do. It’s hard to break social norm and bias. And, what sucks the most is that it’s so hard to stop caring what other think. We are a social animal. It’s a curse.

I also learned that a hundred percent is never a good idea. Because life is full of disappointment, you always have to leave some space opened for new opportunities to be better or find a new way. The path you think was meant to be may not be yours. It feels so right but most of the time a career or a person is not yours to keep.

My 10 percent chance of wanting a child comes from my family who gives me reasons to be grateful about at the end of a bad day.

I am thankful for a father who cares enough to ask how my day was and who calls after finding out that I didn’t get the job I wanted, a mother who encourages me to take a chance even if it is far away from social norm and a sister who tells me she will support me even if I decided to be gay.

Though for now, life is too painful. I don’t really want you. But despite all shit in this world, I will do my best to win. When I am confident that life is oddly good, I will want you.

Until then, stay put in the world of potential life. Be too visionary for this world.

The world is messed up but my family gave me things that are good. Which are love and joy. I am full of it and I feel this urge to share so I can make this world a better place.

It’s confusing at times to love the world, while wanting the world to burn at the same time. But I will fight to pay this love forward. So pray for me, baby girl.

Love,

Your future mommy or not