Long-Winded Posts That Could Have Been a Great Tweet: The Month of May and Projection

Monthly messages from a young friend in Brazil with my reply

This is from May 2026, from Willian Lansten with my reply.

Willian is a young friend, an actor, and a QUEER cis male who lives in Brazil. It is published here with his permission. He writes for Substack in Portuguese, and it has been translated into English.

Willian, now 30 years old, inadvertently became a friend, maybe 5+ years ago, after he found me on Google while researching a play he was writing about gay relationships and love. He “fell in love” with Gregory (RIP) and me after finding my writing online! He claims to have read everything I have written. We have been communicating periodically since.

From Willian:

Willian Lansten — May 30, 2026

I wrote a long message for him. I’m not going to post it, but I wrote it. Yes, that guy from the previous text ended up meaning something to me. It lasted longer than expected and took me on a journey of feelings and idealizations. I fell in love — more with what I created than with who he actually was — but I fell in love nonetheless.

For a while, I became mildly obsessed. Whenever I’m given uncertainty or very little to hold onto, I always leave room to dream and idealize. When I don’t have reality, only what I’ve created in my mind, uncertainty throws me into a field of obsession. Without any effort on his part, without anything being clearly defined, without him even wanting anything more, I allowed myself to imagine. I imagined big. Poor guy — through no fault of his own — has no idea.

In the end, I was sad, as I always am, but I held on to the philosophy that “if it hurts, it hurts; what matters is today and letting things happen.” The obsession has eased now. I put my feet back on the ground and let it go, the same way I let it arrive. I understood the feeling, respected it, and realized I was neither a victim nor a bad boy. I knew exactly what I was doing. I understood what was actually being offered, where I was standing, what was real, and what I was creating. It was a huge roller coaster.

He is a free spirit, and I am a heart that wanted to be bound to him. Different pursuits born from the same loneliness. I needed to let him go: first because he didn’t want to stay, and second because I would have turned him into something he isn’t. He’s wonderful, but he isn’t for me. For a moment, I desperately wanted him to be. The chemistry, the attraction, the touch — everything was wonderful. He is wonderful, but it wasn’t meant to be. If I forced it, I would only end up hurt.

He’s someone I admire greatly — the kind of person everyone likes, who brings joy wherever he goes. The exact type I always fall for. The pattern I always repeat. But this won’t be about him. It’s about everything I understood and reflected on since we happened.

First

I always come back to this: I am very lonely and needy. I don’t fool myself with ideas of self-sufficiency, nor do I pretend I am enough for myself. I write about this constantly. The loneliness and the noisy emptiness don’t surprise me anymore. But every now and then, something — or someone, like him — comes along and silences them.

The morning after we slept together, I woke up on his chest, sweaty and satisfied under the blanket, listening to his heartbeat. In that moment, I understood how desperate I had been. There, with him, beside me, there was romance. I didn’t even need to invent it. Immediately and wholeheartedly, I projected.

I long for companionship. I long for connection and for sharing my life. He doesn’t say much — at least not with me. He’s shy, reserved, quiet. The day I brought him home, I talked about everything, as though I had been silenced for years, as though it were the last time I’d ever speak. I talked about my parents, my heart attack, high school, friends from my hometown, college, work, my ex, my move, Britney Spears — everything.

And he listened. He paid attention. He let me talk.

He was quiet from the bus ride until the next morning, but it was a present kind of quiet. His presence was what started everything and what gave it meaning. He didn’t have to do anything except be there.

Second

Sex can be much more than what I had turned it into. It can be an act of exchange, surrender, and vulnerability.

With him, it was exactly that.

Maybe because we did things I rarely do. Maybe because it happened in my bed, which is even rarer. Or maybe simply because it was him. It was calm, intimate, and unexpectedly vulnerable.

We were already intense, wild, and obscene together, but alone, quiet, and in my bed, it became even more intense. Yet there were pauses filled with romance, silent glances, touches that seemed to say, “This will leave a mark on both of us.”

The next morning, after he kissed me goodbye, I deleted all my dating apps and started writing. I decided to take a break from casual sex — not out of moralism, not because I had suddenly transformed from Samantha to Charlotte from Sex and the City, and not because I was hopelessly in love. It was because sex with him meant so much and felt so different that I wanted to preserve that feeling.

I haven’t slept with anyone else this month. Maybe I won’t for a while.

His scent lingered on my sheets for days, and the hickey on my chest lasted for weeks. But what I truly understood was how different intimacy, honesty, and emotional openness make sex feel. I had forgotten that.

And I’ve had a lot of sex.

But what we shared took me somewhere else — a place I’ve only been a few times in my life.

Third

I love falling in love.

I truly LOVE it.

I ignore every piece of advice telling me not to throw myself into romance. I function better when I’m in love. I treat people better. I take better care of myself. I respect myself more. I’m happier, lighter, and more optimistic. I see beauty in the world.

I write more. I see everything romantically. I believe in life.

I dance around the house.

I draw hearts and write names in notebooks.

I encourage my friends.

I laugh more. I sleep better.

I perform better as an actor. I dedicate myself more fully to theater, auditions, and opportunities.

I wish I could fall in love with life the same way I fall in love with men.

I need to get back to therapy urgently. This is an issue where I never seem to make progress.

Fourth and Last

I am a good person.

I already knew that. I didn’t discover it through him.

But I really and genuinely am someone with a good heart and good intentions. I want good things for people. I do good things. I root for others. I don’t create unnecessary harm.

I am a privilege to have in one’s life.

I live to serve others. Making someone else’s life lighter makes mine lighter, too.

I am helpful, attentive, caring, and a good listener — perhaps because I’m a Cancer, and an excessively Cancerian one at that.

My heart attack helped settle some things inside me and made me a better person. This whole episode of projection over the last few weeks made me realize that even more.

I do for others what I often fail to do for myself.

I give others what I do not possess within myself.

I calm in others the chaos I carry inside.

I become for others the person I wish someone would be for me.

And perhaps, through others, I become the person I want to be.

That’s all I’m going to say about this crush. This is the only text I’ll post about it.

Changing the subject: beyond all this romantic projection and memories of what could have been, May was a good month.

In a few weeks, I’ll be premiering my first musical, complete with a solo, choreography, great songs, and everything that comes with it. It has been a long time since I felt this nervous and excited about theater. I dream about the show almost every night — the classic actor anxiety dreams that I hadn’t experienced in years.

It’s a new world and, at the same time, a return to an old one. My first dream was to be a musical theater actor. I started studying theater because I dreamed of Disney and Glee.

And here I am, fulfilling that childhood dream.

It’s not something I intend to pursue professionally, but I’m happy to experience it with wonderful people and dear friends.

A lot of difficult things happened this month too, but I don’t want to focus on them.

June — my favorite month — is arriving with lots of work, lots of intensity, lots of Pride, and new dreams coming true. Doors I never imagined would open are opening.

I remain slightly in love, but I’m adult enough to know that while I can’t control what I feel, I can control what I do.

I’ll redirect this passion elsewhere because next month will change my life.

See you in June!

My Most Dearest Friend Willian,

I start my comments in this flowery way because I wish I could express the love I feel for you and my respect, and to let you know how grateful I am that you found me! You help me to remember what it is like to be young, unattached, carefree, just beginning my life, and at the same time wanting to fall in love, looking for someone with whom to grow old, someone to attach to, someone with whom to share my cares, someone with whom to become a “we” instead of in addition to just a “me” and to begin the rest of my life instead of beginning the beginning.

Young/old. Unattached/attached. Carefree/committed. Beginning/continuing. Looking/finding. “Me”/“We”. These polarities are all part of living a good life, which I know you are doing! And I am fortunate enough in myself that I have succeeded (and I might add done so well) in all of these with my Dear Gregory (RIP).

These things you are looking for, sometimes so desperately, are the “stuff of youth”. Always anxious for what comes next to the point of missing what one has, what one might have, what one will eventually have.

But the secret is in the DOING! One must make mistakes. One must fall head over heels in love with someone who will only cause hurt. One must be foolish so one can learn wisdom. One must have “more sex than any sex worker on the street” and at the same time be chaste. (Said only with respect for sex workers!) One must overspend their credit card limit before one can learn to be frugal (and sometimes not frugal :-)

The SECRET is in not being afraid to DO, to try, to experience, to get through the hurt, to catch a STD (yet to practice SAFE SEX as well so as not to die too young necessarily).

And certainly, while questioning oneself and analyzing one’s life, never doubting oneself or feeling that one is not worthy of the best, and that given enough opportunities and experiences, the best will arrive.

I highly recommend you read “Letters to a Young Poet” (link to AMAZON) by Rainer Maria Rilke. The letters were written at a time when months would pass before the postal service delivered a reply. This alters the nature of the dialogue/communication between the two men. Much different than today. The message Mr. Rilke had for his young poet friend was (in my paraphrase): “Try not to chase life. Try not to have the answers to all questions. Live your life, and it will come to you as will all the answers.”

Wow. That just poured out of my mind, into my fingers, and onto the keyboard. Sometimes I amaze myself!

Your May Missive was wonderful. It is so positive, so filled with self-awareness, self-confidence, self-understanding, and self-love. To me, it speaks of a great deal of growth, not only in understanding yourself but also in learning to sit with your emotions, accept yourself, and love yourself, no matter the outside circumstances.

While you are accepting this new level of your love for “him”, I do not know the name of your recent “head over heels”, I believe it is important to be open to love, to let yourself fall in love, and sometimes to even learn to live with the pain of not having that love returned or having that love last.

Rilke would say (my paraphrase), “If you do not allow yourself to fall in love, how will you ever find love?” “If you do allow yourself to fall in love, love will find you.”

Based on your May Manifesto, I feel like you have come a long way in being better able to understand who you are, and to love that person and respect him. To KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON, as the British saying goes. This is one of a series of posters created in England to encourage citizens to cope with the air raids, fallout shelters, etc., during WWII. The posters were never used, but several years ago surfaced for the great message they carry. I have changed it for myself to: “KEEP ON KEEPING ON”.

I am excited about your upcoming musical adventure. Is there any chance there will be a video of it that you can share with me, even if it is a rogue copy of a rehearsal or a performance? Would love to see you in action as a musical artist. I know that you are a great dramatic actor (have seen both the gay and straight versions, and they are equally good!) I wonder why you already are saying, “It’s not something I intend to pursue professionally,” when you also say, “It is a childhood dream come true?” My advice (unasked for as always :-) be open to everything!

Meanwhile, let me close with my impression that your May Madness Memo shows some amazing growth on your part. You so eloquently and articulately shared your feelings, new and old feelings of self-worth. You are in a much better place, from what I can tell. P.S. I always like to warn: Sometimes one regresses, and sometimes one progresses. Accept both. Know that you will have up times and down times, successful and unsuccessful times, love affairs and hurt affairs … that is what LIFE is all about. KEEP ON KEEPING ON my friend!