I Prayed for Death.

Grief doesn’t stop time. It leaves you wondering how to keep living while the world keeps moving.

Photo by Eyasu Etsub on Unsplash

Yes, you read that correctly. I have.

Not because I wanted to stop existing, but because there were days when the pain of living felt heavier than I knew how to carry.

There were moments when I genuinely believed that death would be easier than living.

For the past year, I have picked myself up thousands of times, trying to build a better life. Yet somehow, I always find myself back at zero.

Today marks one year since my father passed away.

And still, I am asking myself the same question:

How do I continue living this life?

Even after trying for the past year, I still don’t have an answer to one question:

How am I supposed to live this life?

I know I want a good, peaceful, and happy life.

But I don’t know how to build that life while carrying this emptiness and this pain.

What do you do when you can’t move on from your grief, but time keeps moving on without you?

How do I move forward when I’m still stuck inside my grief?

I know I can’t stay here forever, but I don’t know how to leave this place.

What’s hardest is that this pain isn’t affecting only me anymore.

It’s making my life — and the lives of the people who love me — more difficult to live.

Everyone says, “Time heals.”

But time keeps moving, and I am still here in 2025.

How does acceptance come?

What do I need to do to move forward?

One thing I have understood is this:

I am breathing, but I am not living.

Living means creating.

Living means enjoying.

Living means building the life you want.

Not just watching time pass by.

Maybe that’s why this hurts so much.

Because I know the kind of life I want.

I just don’t know how to build it while carrying this much grief.

Maybe I won’t have the answer today.

Maybe I won’t have it tomorrow.

But this is where I am.

Still searching.

Still questioning.

Still trying to learn how to live with a heart that lost its home.

✍️ From the Founder of Threads of Life, Money & Momentum.

— Arpita Srivastava

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