CAN I STEAL YOU FOR A SEC?

“You Deserve the World” and Other Fibs

The coded vernacular of ABC’s The Bachelor

Photo by Photos by Lanty on Unsplash

A brand new season of The Bachelor is upon us and we’re in that brief honeymoon phase between the cringe-worthy limo pitches (What size is your banana?) and the inevitable moment when the charming lead (this season, Joey Grazedei) lets everyone down somehow. Probably.

How will it happen this time? Will he declare his eternal love to the semifinalist right before he dumps her, as Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner did? Will he pull a dunderheaded Zach Shallcross reverse-chastity maneuver in the fantasy suites? Or will he dump his brunette fiancé/finalist for the bland, blonde runner up because whoopsie, he “made a mistake” like Arie Luyendyk Jr. did?

Or will he come out as gay like Colton Scott Brown did after three seasons? (And yes, I think there should be a non-heteronormative addition to this irresistible franchise.)

Who knows?

The leading man and the gaggle of contestants on the competitive speeding dating unscripted (because let’s not call it reality) show The Bachelor use their own special terminology. In the face of constant surveillance and microscopic scrutiny, is it any surprise that every word gets candy coated to mask its unpleasant meaning, or to at least make it go down easier?

Let’s look at some words and phrases they use, how they’re used in the show, and their hidden meanings and proper translations.

Amazing!

“He is so amazing!” “She is just an amazing girl.”

Translation: I have nothing meaningful to say about this person. I know next to nothing about them but I’m supposed to say something, so I’m mouthing this empty praise. Amazing!

Romantic

“Our dinner date was so romantic.”

Translation: It was dinner. There was a candle.

“This is the most romantic city on earth.”

Translation: This is a city. We are in it.

Hopeless romantic

“I’ve always been a hopeless romantic!”

Translation: I am hoping this vague declaration makes me sound dreamy, innocent, and vulnerable.

I’m confused

“I’m a little confused.”

Translation: I didn’t get my way and I’m angry.

“I’m really confused.”

Translation: I’m furious!

“I am just so confused!”

Translation: I’m about to cut a b*tch!

This journey

“I’m excited to find out what this journey has in store for me.”

Translation: I hope this manufactured drama will boost my number of social media followers so I can quit my day job and become a full-time influencer.

Incredible

“She is just an incredible woman. So incredible. I mean just…what can I say? Incredible!”

Translation: She is not getting a rose tonight. I’m sending her home. She is most definitely not the one for me.

You deserve

“You deserve someone who will love and cherish you.”

Translation: Pack your suitcase. You’re outta here. And don’t come back!

“You deserve the world!”

Translation: GTFO

Find my person

“I’m just hoping to find my person.”

Translation: I believe a perfect romantic partner will instantly fall in love with me and transport me to a mythical land where love and marriage are guaranteed to be an effortless slide down a shimmering rainbow into a pot of eternal bliss. And I also believe that one perfect person is the current bachelor, and that he will realize I’m the only one for him as soon as I outwit and outperform and out pity-me these other thirty candidates. Because deep down I’m twelve years old.

See also imaginary friend and Easter Bunny.

Cheers/cheersing

“Let’s cheers to that!” “We were all cheersing him.”

Translation: Let’s toast to that. We raised a glass to him.

See a future

“I can see a future with her.”

Translation: I will claim to be falling deeply in love with her but will send her packing right after the fantasy suites.

Falling in love

“I’m falling in love with her.”

Translation: I’m contractually obligated to claim I’m falling in love with at least four of the five semi-finalists.

“I’m falling in love with him.”

Translation: I’ve reached the point in this competition where I have to claim this or I’m going to get sent home.

In my head

“I’ve been really in my head today about not getting a one-on-one.”

Translation: I’m anxious. I’m insecure. I’m having a hard time tuning out the logical part of my brain that’s telling me it’s batsh*t crazy to compete with 30 gorgeous women for one mediocre male. Not even sure if I like this butterless baked potato of a man.

My heart

“I need to protect my heart.” “I want her to know my heart.” “Before I share my heart...” “I don’t know if I trust my heart.” “I’m going to have to follow my heart.”

Translation: My illogical feelings, or why I did not bother to use that wrinkly blob of grey matter between my ears. “My heart” is great for deflecting responsibility. “I’m squicked out by the lipstick on your teeth and the way your false eyelashes have sprouted legs and are creeping down your face,” is obscured in a cloying syrup of “I need to follow my heart.”

Vulnerable

“I need to be vulnerable with you for a minute.”

Translation: Can we pause this conversation so I can insert my ready-made sob story in order to tug at your heartstrings and hopefully give myself a romantic advantage?

Trauma

“I’ve had walls up ever since experiencing my trauma.”

Translation: My high school boyfriend cheated on me and I have yet to get over it even though I’m twenty-five.”

Trust again

“I didn’t think I could ever trust someone again.”

Translation: My college boyfriend flirted with my dorm roommate and I’m still sulking about it four years later.

Only here for you

“I wouldn’t be here if you were not the bachelor. I’m only here for you.”

Translation: I am full of poo. I signed up for open casting but was going to turn down this all expense paid vacation involving world travel, TV popularity and an audition for Dancing with the Stars if you, dude I just met, were not the lead.

Not here to make friends

“I’ve put my entire life on hold because I want to find my person; I’m not here to make friends.”

Translation: Yes, you got me. I just did something, conniving, phony, underhanded, and rude that the producers instructed me to do. Now everyone is pissed at me. stamps foot I don’t care!

See also Oops, looks like I’m getting the villain edit.

Here for the right reasons

“I’m here for the right reasons.”

Translation: I swear I don’t even know what Instagram is, and all I know about “followers” is that Jesus had twelve of them.

Here for the wrong reasons

“She’s here for the wrong reasons.”

Translation: How dare that conniving Tennessee tart get a one-on-one date before I do?

Blindsided

“I never expected to get blindsided like this.”

Translation: I’m on a competitive speed dating show yet I’m shocked, I tell you, shocked that the lead has invited one of my competitors on a date.

Alone forever

“I’m so afraid I’m going to end up alone forever.”

Translation: I’m in my twenties, conventionally gorgeous, and rocking the best hair extensions money can buy, but if I don’t leave this competition with a garish Nathan Lane engagement ring on my perfectly manicured finger, no one in the world will ever want me. And now I must wipe these bitter tears away without smudging my kabuki makeup or gouging my eye with these ultra-long fingernails.

Can I steal you for a sec?

“Excuse me, but can I steal you for a sec?”

Translation: The producers told me to interrupt your conversation with my competitor because they need to ratchet up the drama and pad my villain edit. Sure, you could reply “No, please just wait your turn like the other two dozen competitors,” but I already know you won’t. You can’t. Production would never allow it.

Get there

“I’m not sure if we can get there. I might not be able to get there with you.”

Translation: You’re boring and I’m dumping you.

Luckiest girl in the world

“I feel like I’m the luckiest girl in the world right now.”

Translation: I just got back from my one-on-one Pretty Woman date and it hasn’t sunk in that he’ll be on a more exciting date with someone even prettier sometime in the next 24 hours.

Watch it back

“Watching it back, my heart is in that vulnerable place again.”

Translation: Reviewing the footage, I feel sorry for myself in retrospect.

Final rose tonight

(Jesse Palmer sucks air through his teeth and ceremoniously clasps his hands) “Ladies, it’s the final rose tonight.”

Translation: You’ve all been standing here for the last six hours sweating under the studio lights in shapewear, push-up bras, false eyelashes with a mind of their own, five-inch stilettos, and your heavily sequinned, plunged to navel and slit to the crotch evening gowns with byzantine straps, waiting to find out if you’re getting a rose or hitting the road. You’ve watched as each rose from the stingy pile on the weird little table was given to one competitor after another… while you ate your heart heart out, seethed with jealousy and died just a little inside. Now only one rose remains and somewhere between two and six of you don’t have yours yet. Let me just add insult to injury by acting like maybe you’ve been having such a grand time you that didn’t even notice.

Want to get more from The Bachelor franchise?

To really step up your enjoyment of The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, Golden Bachelor, and Bachelor in Paradise, I highly recommend the following podcasts:

• The Bachelor Zone — An absolutely hilarious sports recap style show. If it wasn’t for this podcast I probably wouldn’t even watch these shows.
• We Hate the Bachelor — Three friends ogle the show’s fashions and foibles while trading delightfully catty barbs.
• Love to See It — A sociological deep dive recap that, while thoughtful, doesn’t take itself too seriously.