The letter that I did not send out

My,

I’m not sure where to start, and I’m uncertain whether or when you will receive this letter, or it might bring tears to your eyes. Nonetheless, I must write it. After my initial feelings of outrage and envy, I have since calmed down, and now I cannot ignore my concerns and worries for you.

If you are fine, just delete this letter, do not scroll down, and do not read any content below. If not, there is something I have to say.

No matter how many times I remind myself that I do not care about you, as I have so many ‘important things’ to do. And for the things you’ve done to me, the cleverest way to go about it is to consider you as ‘dead to me.’ However, the eight-year memory will not fade away that easily. You are always my best companion and my best student. For the most of time, I projected the beautiful part of me onto you, regardless of your acceptance. However, I think this makes you more mature and confident.

I talked with Prof. Q, confessing all these things I’ve been through. The response from him is predictable: that’s the unavoidable result. I feel not reconciled to this statement, but I am not capable of proving he is wrong. I am not searching for more opportunities to reverse the situation, but the main point he enlightened me with is that you, I mean you, have done a great job and made a painful decision, maybe that’s the best choice for you and for me.

He told me that I have to go through everything from your perspective. As a human being, and particularly as a woman, the emotional aspect of the spirit is always of paramount importance. With great courage, you started this relationship with me. But I have been a selfish and hypocritical motherfucker for so many years, just like the irresponsible guy who prioritizes his spiritual fulfillment in the book ‘The Moon and Sixpence’ by Maugham, which we all read. Although maybe I will never achieve the greatness he has seized. I still cherish the times we spent together. That will never just be erased, even though it will fade eventually. As I’ve come to realize, the sharing of time is the sharing of life. You have already shared your life with me, so much. I must owe you, my gratitude. Just don’t deny the existence of the being in each other’s spirit and take time to change the habits we are used to.

It’s so reasonable you now want something more and are tired of this selfishness, this lack of attention from me in the so-called interesting part of life. I’m not talking about material things in this case, but the spiritual ones. I feel regret for never paying enough attention to it; it’s always on me, on myself. How selfish? This is just because of who I really am, and because I felt so secure in this relationship. I did not notice your insecurity or your need for emotional consolation from me; even a simple hug may mean much more than plain sayings. It is so childish that I hand-wrote the Universal Declaration of Human Rights as a birthday present for you, when I was actually touching myself, without noticing what you really wanted. I hope or delude myself into being the Stalin-like man, the steel-minded. But how foolish that I ask you to be like that as well; it’s so immature for me to want to shape your soul according to my will.

You are also searching for your way out as an independent soul. As an individual, you are reaching out for nutrition for your soul. I despise myself when I interpret your choice in a despicable way. Maybe it’s just that you don’t know how to start telling me these things, starting that romance. But there must be a trigger for making this decision. You chose this ‘clumsy’ way to hide it from me, hoping I wouldn’t notice. But it’s because you still care about my feelings; you don’t want to hurt me again. Maybe I learned a lesson from last time, and you did too. In the end, whether you choose to tell me or not, it won’t affect the outcome here.

The most important feeling that upsets me is the idea that you are going to please someone else willingly. I can still feel something terrible as I type this sentence. And I know that’s from the animal part of me. Let me put aside this away, I have to say something as a reminder: when you are comparing someone to me in terms of their qualities, you are wrong. There will always be someone stronger, smarter, richer, more beautiful, better sex performance, or superior in various areas out there. In other words, you must take the romance you started seriously, removing the superficial characters of the spirit. It’s always the spiritual being hiding from them that matters, and I know you understand. Maybe it’s strange for someone who cheated at the outset to seek loyalty in a relationship, but, as I said, it’s still understandable your decision. I am just unpleased that you choose to tell me after you have made it every time.

I cannot ask you to surrender your own soul to me, to let me devour all of it. It’s unfair and foolish, and it will also diminish the spark of the beauty of the independent soul you have. Over these years, I have shared my spiritual temple with you, not only as lovers but also as my most intimate companions. When I’ve set aside the emotional anger from the displeased thoughts, I feel that I still want to have serious conversations with you about the ultimate question, the meaning of being. And I thought I had lost you, but I noticed that it would never happen.

And somehow, I worry about you losing your attention on your real spiritual adventure in this universe. This is the main reason that I wrote this letter. And I am worried that you might run into problems in the future, dealing with daily life. And I am worried that the emotional instability may cause you troubles in your work and daily life.

Maybe I’m just overthinking, as I often do. I must remind you that I’m afraid of your mother’s influence on you in the bad ways, as she has a premodern mindset. Just as I said before if you want to be a millionaire, at least you should learn from a millionaire. So, as an old lady who cannot have a good relationship with her own family, the idea of raising children to prevent loneliness is completely wrong and her secular advice may also be inappropriate.

In a happy life, the creativity of a poet will vanish. No masterpieces were accomplished in an enjoyable condition, and we have discussed this topic before. So, let’s gain power from this regret and pain, or choose to enjoy the happiness of the rest of the life.

Stay creating, stay influencing, maybe your highest creation is your children and offspring. And I sincerely hope you will have a satisfying life and explore the maximum of your possibilities in this universe.

Influence as many as possible, put the seed of freedom and reflection in people’s hearts.

Material matters when we are facing this real world, and I don’t know if there is going to be any difference when I have that financial independence. However, the meaning of this world is never about the material, is always about the spirit.

If you want to discuss serious questions, send me an email, and I will respond. And hopefully, the mutual way will also work, you can give me answers when I seek them from you. And let me call you comrade again.

Regards.